One For Sorrow
by Josephine Martin
Summary: Complete! BS. The first part of the Magpie Series. What if the whole 'Spike getting a Soul' bit went a bit differently? Spike has a decision to make, and something is threatening the Key. And did Buffy really 'Come Back Wrong?
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: The characters and setting of this story are the property of Joss Wheddon and Mutant Enemy. They are not, and never will be mine. The story has no commercial purpose.

Although this story and its sequel, Two for Joy, are finished, the third part, Three for a Girl, remains unfinished. Sorry about that.

One for Sorrow

By Josephine Martin

_Summary: I'm a UK Buffy fan. So, I haven't seen any of Season 7 yet, and won't until January. So, what if the whole 'Spike getting a Soul' bit went a bit differently? Just take everything up to the last scene of Season 6 as read, and then imagine things took a different route from there. Some details may be as Season 7, but most will not._

_I know it's a personality flaw, but I get very despondent if I don't get feedback. So, please review. If you don't feel comfortable about leaving your comments where anyone can read them, email them to me. _

**1 - Burned, Broken and Bruised**

It's pain like I've never experienced. This demon really knows his stuff. The trials were designed to take every bit of resistance I had, and grind me to dust. Literally. There isn't a part of my body I wouldn't gladly wave goodbye to right now. It feels like there isn't a bone unbroken, or a patch of skin left whole. But, the good news is, I survived. I'm still here. And, here he comes. With my reward.

A soul. It's what I asked for. It's the one thing that will let me fulfil my promise without the risk of hurting her again. Once I realised that, the decision was easy. And now the time has come. The demon's hand/paw/claw? Moves towards my chest, delving inside. There's an explosion of light to match the explosion of pain. Just when I thought there wasn't any way I could hurt worse than I already did, he proves me wrong.

This pain is different. Yes, it's a physical pain. You try having a hand shoved into your chest and tell me you don't feel it. But, it's more than that. With it comes the pain of knowing how I've hurt countless people over more years than I care to remember.

I'm no stranger to regret or guilt. I've had both in spades since that night in the bathroom. I hated myself for hurting her, and through her, for hurting Dawn. But that was because I love them both. This guilt is different, because it's for people I hated, people I disliked, people I never knew, and people I never met. It's for all those I've killed, and for those left behind. I feel a mother's pain on finding her child dead. I feel a husband's anguish on finding his wife crumpled on the ground. I feel a child's mounting terror as it begs a parent to wake up. I feel it all.

And this sensation keeps building. The rate of increase is accelerating, and I'm completely lost in it. I can no longer feel my purely physical pain. It's insignificant compared to the rest of it. The level rises, higher and higher, faster and faster and then ……

Nothing. I feel nothing. I wonder at that. Why is there nothing? I open my eyes, or at least, that is what I try to do. I see …. Dust. I know, I don't know how I know, but I know that is my mortal remains. The pain has caused my body to turn to dust. I didn't know pain alone could do that. I thought there had to be fire, or wood, or something sharp to separate my head from my body.

So, shouldn't I be in hell? I mean, that's where vampires go, isn't it? I look around. I haven't got eyes any more, but I can see. I'm still in the cave. I see the dust on the cave floor. I recognise the drawings on the walls. I'm here, where I achieved my prize, and lost my life.

The initial shock is past, and I'm starting to remember more. The guilt and the pain of those who have suffered because of me, it's all back. It's still with me, but, somehow, it's not so debilitating. I can feel it, but without a physical body, it's not the all-encompassing agony it was. I make an effort to steady myself, not to give in to the feelings that are threatening to swamp me. I would take a deep breath if I had lungs. Funny, I haven't needed to breathe for over a century, and the impulse is still there. Take a breath to steady yourself. I do, sort of. I still feel like I have control of a body. I can still sense where my limbs are, still know instinctively how to move them.

My thoughts slow. The deep breathing has helped. My thoughts leave my current predicament, and go to …. Where else? Buffy.

I close my eyes and berate myself for my predictability. Well, you know, not really close my eyes, but … When I 'open' them again, I see her. She's at work. She's wearing that ridiculous uniform. Her smile is plastered to her face. She listens to the complaints of the customer she is serving, and the plastic smile never wavers - even when he gets personal. He's telling her she's a stupid, dumb blonde, and that he gave her a fifty, and Buffy's calmly showing him there are no fifties in the drawer. She's explaining it's just been emptied, and there's nothing bigger than a twenty. He won't listen, and he's inching closer to her. He's bigger than she is, over six feet, and he thinks he'll intimidate her. She looks so tiny, her size belies her strength. I can see how angry she is. It's not on her face, it's in her shoulders and neck. In some ways, it's comforting to know someone else can do that to her. In other ways, I'm almost jealous.

I can stand it no longer. The things he's calling her, and she's just taking it. I move between them, intending to hit him. I remember at the last minute, I haven't got an arm, or a hand, or anything to hit him with. But it's too late, I've already launched the attack.

He flinches as my 'fist' contacts with his nose. Not the effect I was aiming for, of course. If I still had my body, he'd be flat on the floor nursing a bloody and broken proboscis. As it is, he looks at Buffy, mystified for a moment, before backing down. He's apologising to her and backing away, telling her to keep the change. She looks confused. She doesn't understand the man's sudden change of heart, and it's that look of confusion that removes the plastic smile. She's still standing there, apparently riveted to the spot, when someone taps her on the shoulder, and reminds her it's time to go home. Her shift's over.

She relaxes visibly at these words, her smile now real. She heads for the lockers, pulling off the uniform and pushing it into the laundry basket which is already filled with similar items. She pulls her purse from the locker, and heads out.

As she tends to these mundane matters, I wonder how I got here. I no sooner thought of her, than I was here, with her. It reminds me of something. Dawn told me about a film she watched one time. What was it called? I remember. 'City of Angels'. I said she'd never catch me watching something like that. Anyway, in it, Nicholas Cage is an angel. And he says something about 'travelling at the speed of thought'. That's how it was. I thought, and there I was.

But I'm certainly not an angel. The thought makes me laugh. Funny, silent laughter. Except I can hear it. When I look again, she's gone, so I think of her, and I'm outside, following her as she walks home. My thoughts immediately move to Dawn. Instantly, I see her. She's at home, lying on her bed, some awful music playing on her stereo.

She's different. I didn't notice a difference with Buffy - but then it would be difficult to see anything under the veneer of artificiality engendered by the uniform and the permanent smile.

Dawn seems older. Not just a few weeks older, but much older. She looks like she's seen the worst the world has to offer, and yet, she' not broken. There's still hope in her blue eyes, but it's hope tinged with sadness.

I wonder what happened to the other occupants of the house. I wander into the witches' room. Now, that's a surprise. There's nothing left. It's been cleared out. No sign of occupation. Definite signs of decoration. I wonder who's doing it, when I spot a pile of chocolate wrappers next to the paint brushes. Xander. So, where are the witches?

I'm still pondering that, when I hear Buffy coming in. She's excited about something, and calling to Dawn. Dawn joins her sister downstairs, and grabs the letter Buffy's waving around. She reads it, and both sisters hug and do this silly sort of dance, jumping round in circles. Whatever's in the letter, it's good news. It's crumpled in Dawn's hand, so I can't read it.

At last the dancing stops, and Dawn speaks.

"You did it! You've got the job at school! That means you can go back to college in the evenings, and go to school with me. No more Doublemeat Palace. No more smelly Buffy!"

As if reminded of her current state of smelliness, Buffy pulls back, a wry smile on her face.

"Guess I should go shower," she apologises.

"I didn't mean,…"

"I know, Dawnie, I know. But, even smelly demons cringe from the Doublemeat scent experience."

She goes upstairs, into her room. I was going to follow, but decide against it. Somehow, it doesn't seem right. That from someone who stalked her for months. Someone who took every opportunity to see her in any state of undress possible. I shake my non-existent head at my new-found propriety.

I start to wonder what's going on. I've been so caught up in seeing her again, being a part of her life even if she doesn't see I'm there, that I've been side-tracked from working out what in hell is going on. As my thoughts turn to the unanswered questions in my head, I find I'm back in the cave. Lurky is there too. I don't know if he's got the answers, but I don't know where else to start. Too late, I wonder if he'll even recognise my presence.

"Ok, mate, want to tell me what's going on?"

"Oh, you're back. I thought you might be back. I knew you were different, just didn't know how different."

Funny how the mystique's gone now I've been through the trial, I think.

"Well, what happened? I passed the test, didn't I? I got my soul? So, where's the body to go with it?"

"Yeah, bit embarrassing that, really, but how was I supposed to know? It seems the trials took everything you had. You survived, but you had nothing left, so when you felt the pain of having your soul back, you're body just gave up, spontaneously dusted."

"So, why am I still here? What am I?"

"Well, believe me, I wanted to know that too. I mean, I offer a service, I like to know the possible outcomes. Normally it's simple. Death. Most of the time. Maybe one in five thousand, they get the soul. They leave, and go off to deal with being a demon with a soul. Doesn't often end too well either. Most end up killing themselves within a year. Never known one like yours. You got your soul, and your awareness and memories latched onto it. Then your body went 'poof' and there you are. A soul, complete with your memories, left to roam the earth."

"So, what can I do about it?"

"Damned if I know!"

I want to hit something. I want to do something, anything. I'm no good to her like this. How can I keep Dawn safe without a body? I feel a rage start within me, and it's a rage to rival anything I experienced as a demon. I have to do something, but what?


	2. Chapter 2 Meanwhile in Sunnyhell

****

Chapter 2 - Meanwhile in Sunnyhell

Of course, after a shift at the Doublemeat Palace, I don't smell anything. That's the worst part. At least with demon slime, you know it's there. The greasy smell of meaty goodness just creeps up on you while you're not paying attention. I turn on the shower, and let my clothes drop to the floor. The water feels good, warm and comforting. The shower gel is new too. There was a time when I used something that smelled good. Vanilla was my favourite. Now, it's the special one that's designed to kill lingering odours. I heave a sigh of relief - not much longer. 

The job at the school starts in two weeks. I only need to give a week's notice at the Palace, but the question is, can I afford to go without the extra week's money? A quick mental calculation tells me what I suspected. No. It's not the regular bills that are the problem, it's getting Dawn kitted out for school, and then, of course, I'm going to need some new things too. Any old thing is good enough for under my uniform, but, if I'm working at the school, I'm going to have to look a little more professional. I think my way through my wardrobe.

There's the slaying wardrobe, then there's what I wear to work. Mainly that's the older end of the slaying wardrobe. The rest is the 'Buffy at Play' wardrobe, and, while some of it can be adapted to work, the strappy tops and short skirts are probably not a good idea. I remember only too well the workings of the male High School student's mind from the time I could hear their thoughts. No, I need something a little more …. Modest.

I start to soap my hair, and I think back to the incident just before my shift ended. There was something strange about that man. He backed down just too quickly. Of course, this is the Hellmouth, so nothing is really strange, but still. Even stranger was the other feeling I had. It was that prickling in the back of my neck that signalled Spike. I feel all vampires, of course, but Spike's signal has always been unique. I haven't felt that since … , no, don't think about that. He wasn't there, I know he wasn't, so why did I sense him? It's not as though he hasn't been on my mind all summer.

It's been the one cloud on the horizon. Even with my worry about Willow, it's been there. Dawn and I have been good this summer. We've spent time together, and we've talked. We talked about most things. We even talked about Spike. I explained some of the background. I couldn't bear her thinking he was a monster because of what happened in the bathroom. I told her how I treated him, well, the edited highlights, PG version. I told her that what he did that night was just like what I did to him several times before. I told her that I had driven him to lose all hope, and that's why my 'no' didn't filter through until I pushed him away. I told her that the expression on his face would have broken my heart if I hadn't still been angry at him. I told her my words to him. "Ask me again why I can never trust you."

I didn't realise it at the time. It was only afterwards that it dawned on me. His actions that night left me feeling betrayed. His disappearing right afterwards did the same. It was only when everything was over, when Willow had been stopped and I had a chance to think, that I realised that you can't be betrayed by someone you don't trust.

I realise that the water is getting cold. I've been in the shower longer than I intended. I turn off the water, and pull a towel round my head, drying my hair. I'm surprised to find water on my face even though my hair's no longer dripping, and I glance in the mirror to see the tears that have been falling. It's always the same. Every time I think of how I treated him, how I drove him away, it hurts. That's the one thing I haven't shared with Dawn. She knows I'm sad, but she doesn't know how much it hurts. I know it hurts her too that he left, and I can't add to her sorrow. Because I know it's my fault he left.

I pull on some clean clothes and head downstairs to start dinner. Xander'll be over soon. It's been good to see him so much lately. With Anya gone and Willow in England, he's been eating here most evenings. That's why he offered to decorate the main bedroom for me. I decided to move in there. I don't know where Willow's going to want to live when she gets back, and if she wants to come back here, that'll be fine. But, I'll take the larger room, and she can have the one I've always had. I tell myself it's because the other room will have bad memories for her, but in truth, it's because my room has bad memories for me. I've spent all summer in there thinking about Spike, worrying about Spike and dreaming about Spike. I'm hoping, a new room and a new job will mean a new me.

As I dress, I mentally push thoughts about Spike to the back of my mind. Dawn doesn't need to know I've been crying, and any comment about Spike is like a red rag to a bull with Xander. I've tried to explain to him, tried to make him understand that Spike wasn't a monster that night, but it's too much. Xander hated Spike so much before, there is no way he'll ever be convinced. His comments hurt me, but I've needed him this summer. I've needed his inane conversation and crazy schemes to keep my guilt about Spike at bay.

Dawn is getting some salad ready when I get to the kitchen, and I pull out the pasta, and start to throw a sauce together. I'm not up to much in the kitchen, but a basic sauce to go with pasta is well within my capabilities.

"How are my girls today?" I hear, and Xander waltzes in. He's still hurting about Anya, I know he is, but his way of dealing with pain has always been playing the clown. So, that's what he's doing.

"It's Friday, and I got paid. What do you girls think about going to a movie? Nothing too girlie, mind, I've got a reputation to maintain, after all. Not that it'll do me any harm to be seen around town with two lovelies like you."

Dawn jumps up and starts throwing names of movies at him. I don't know how she does it, but she always knows just what's showing. I smile at her enthusiasm, and catch Xander's eye. He loves the attention. I wonder how much that has to do with Xander's hatred of Spike. There was a time when Xander was very important to Dawn, and that changed when Spike started to help. I know she still cares about Spike, but she has the sense not to let Xander know that, and the giddy, girlish excitement is good for Xander. They go into the lounge, still arguing, and I leave them to it. 

The kitchen seems still and quiet. I know they're still at it in the other room, but I'm able to blank that out. I freeze as I sense him again. It's the tingling, the one that always meant he was near. It's still daylight, so he can't be outside, lingering under the tree like he used to. Despite knowing that, I go outside and have a look around. No smoking vampires in evidence. I go back inside, but the feeling's still there. It's like he's in the room with me, except I know he's not. I can feel anger rising. I don't want to feel this. I don't need this. My life's changing for the better, and I want to forget what a bitch I've been.

"Spike, are you here?" I hear myself saying the words, and don't remember deciding to utter them. I stand very still, and I feel him. I feel the love he has for me, and I know he's there, except he isn't. I don't understand. A sudden thought comes to me. Could it be a ghost I'm sensing? Does that mean he's dead? I drop the spoon I had in my hand. The jingling sound wakes me from the reverie I had slipped into. "No," I tell myself. "It's not a ghost, and it's not Spike. You're just daydreaming, and it's got to stop."

Xander comes in to find out the source of the noise, and his chatter drowns any remnant of the feeling I had. I'm not altogether sad about that.

The evening progresses. We eat, and listen to Xander's stories about his day. It seems strange. Here, he's the same big child he's always been. At work, he seems able to become someone who other people respect and look up to. I know he's doing well. He's got his own team, and his boss relies on him. He told me his boss has a daughter, and that she's very pretty. His boss has made it clear that he would be happy if he would take an interest in that direction, but Xander says it's too soon. He's not interested in anyone but Anya, but no one knows where she is. She disappeared after Giles took Willow off to England, and we've not heard from her since. Not that Xander wants her now anyway. She's a demon, and he's made his views on that score perfectly clear many times. It's the fact that she chose to be a demon that hurt him most. He considers that to be an even greater betrayal than what he did on their supposed wedding day.

The film is entirely unmemorable. I know that's because I spend the whole time with Spike on my mind. I'm worried. I've though about him a lot all summer, but today's been worse than ever. If only I understood why I keep sensing his presence, maybe I could shut out the thoughts. But it was with me as I sat in the cinema. And with the tingling, came the memories. And, they're not all bad memories. There are times I remember with gratitude, there are even a few I remember with joy. If only I'd taken his feelings seriously. If only I'd given him the same priority as my other friends. When I think of my other friends, I realise we were all into making bad decisions last year. Except Tara, and she's gone. The less said about Willow the better. I know why she did what she did, but she killed. She would have ended the world if she could have. And Xander. Well, apart from the wedding that never was, there was the musical extravaganza thing. I mean, people died during that, and he was playing with something he didn't understand. Compared to them, what did Spike do?

Well, there was the whole demon egg thing. Of course, it didn't actually cause any deaths, thanks to Riley, but I never gave Spike the chance to tell me about that. The more I think about it, I can't believe that a vampire who killed two Slayers would just let the eggs hatch willy-nilly. He said he was doing a favour for a friend, and that seems more likely than him planning it for himself. I just accepted Riley's word for it, and I know only too well how much Riley liked Spike. Again, I let someone else's opinion get between me and understanding Spike. I want to tell him I'm sorry. I want to beg for another chance, but I'm starting to think he'll never come back.

As the film ends, there are tears on my cheeks. The lights go up, and Dawn looks at me suspiciously. Xander notices too, and says, "You must really have been laughing hard, Buffy. Glad you enjoyed it, you don't laugh enough. Glad the Xanman's been of use!"


	3. Chapter 3 A Lesson in Endurance

__

This is a short chapter. When I started this, the shifting points of view seemed like a good idea, but it makes it quite hard to write, and it will inevitably lead to very variable chapter lengths. I mean, some characters just have more to say than others, don't they.

As always, feedback is welcome. I'd particularly like to know if it's clear enough who's thinking each time. Would it help if I put a header at the top of each chapter? I'd rather not, but will if the consensus is that it's needed.

****

Chapter 3 - A Lesson in Endurance

Sometimes I want to strangle Xander. I mean, I know he means well, but, insensitive? He was the original reason for the word. And he used to accuse Anya of being insensitive! He's been good to us this summer. I know he has, but it's been to his benefit, too. We're all recovering from what happened. I mean, Willow, she let us all down big time. I know she was hurting after Tara, I know that. I mean, I've lost a mom and a sister, I know how it hurts. And I lost Tara too. Stop that. I can't start blubbing now. It's late, and Xander's sitting with me while Buffy's patrolling. I didn't think she was going to patrol tonight. I think she's just using it as a way to get some time alone. She does that sometimes. She's lucky. How can I get away from Xander's inappropriate hilarity? Well, I could go to bed, I suppose, but it's Friday night, and I'm not giving up the chance to stay up late. It's a matter of principle.

I'm not watching the TV. I mean, it's on, and Xander's keeping up a running commentary on the good parts of the movie. I'm trying to understand why things changed today. I mean, I know Buffy's hurting because Spike left. She hasn't told me the details, but I know she treated him badly. I was angry when Xander told me what Spike did to her that night, but she explained she'd done worse. 

I was angry at her at first. I mean, this last year, there've been two people I've relied on. There was Tara, and there was Spike. Buffy, well, she's hardly been something I could lean on. I mean, physically, she's been there, but mentally, well, I know, the whole being torn out of heaven's bound to hurt. But I needed her, and she wasn't there for me. Tara and Spike were. Now Tara's gone, and Buffy drove Spike away. I almost hated her at first. Then I started to see how much she was hurting over it. When I saw it, I couldn't hate her any more.

And things were getting better. I mean, she seemed happier. I still saw her phase out sometimes, and I knew she was thinking about him, but, most of the time, she's been fine. Then tonight, she's all out of it again. She's back to the way she was just after he left. I started to wonder if she'd heard something. Maybe got some news that he was dead or something, but she'd tell me that, I know she would. So, maybe she's seen him. Again, I think she'd tell me. I know, I should just ask her, and I expect I will, but not while Xander's around. 

Honestly, the look on his face when he hears Spike mentioned. It'd stake him without any help. He hates him so much. He hates the way I love Spike. He hates that Buffy could use his strength. He hates that he got to sleep with Buffy, and he hates that there was that one time with Anya. He can't see that there could be any good in him, because he's a demon. I mean, sure, some demons are evil, most of them even. But some, like Clem, well, they're just good guys. I met some of his friends this summer, and they're ok. And Spike, I know he did some bad things, but that's they way vampires are. They kill people to feed, just like we kill animals. It's the way they are, but he managed to put that behind him. He really cares what happens to me, not because he has to, but just because he cares. 

But Xander's been good to us. I know he has, but this whole 'pretend Spike never existed' thing hasn't been good for Buffy. Despite that, she was coping, until this afternoon. I wonder if it's the fact that she's moving on. Maybe a new job, and she's thinking she's leaving him behind somehow.

Oh, she's back. I'm looking closely at her face, looking for signs of tears. I can't see any, and she's spotted me looking, so I pull my eyes back to the TV. Xander bounds up and asks her about patrol. It sounds like it was quiet, the way it's been for weeks now. He's talking to her, as usual, now it's time to go back to his own apartment, he doesn't want to go. He doesn't do well on his own. I wish he could find someone, a human with no demon history. Then, maybe he'd be happy, and let us get on with missing Spike.

I can't take any more of him. I make an effort every time I see him, remembering how I treated him before I knew Spike. But now, I'm tired. I'm tired, and a little scared by the changes I saw In Buffy today. I've lost her once already, and I can't bear for it to happen again. I'm going to the mall with Janice and her mom tomorrow, so I won't see a lot of her. Tomorrow night, maybe we can talk. Except, tomorrow night, it'll be Xander time again. I so wish he'd not be there, just one night.


	4. Chapter 4 Answers and More Questions

__

A longer chapter this time. I hope it makes the basic premise of the story clear, even though there's a long way to go.

****

Chapter 4 - Answers and More Questions

I stay close to Buffy all evening. She seems distracted. After the happiness I saw when she got the news about her new job, she just went downhill. I don't know why. The Bit seems to know something, but she hasn't said anything. The whelp? He's as clueless as ever. Buffy cried her way through a comedy film, and he thought she was crying from laughing too hard. It wasn't even a good film. There's something wrong with Buffy, and I'm scared. I'm scared because I can't help. It's back to the way I felt when she died. At least then I tried to save her. At least then I had a body. Now, I don't know what's wrong, and I can't do a bloody thing about it anyway. It hurts. It hurts almost more than the guilt I feel. I try to wrap her in me, to make her feel secure, but she just cries harder. 

They go home. The girls are both quiet. Of course, there aren't too many gaps in the whelp's monologue, so it may be lack of opportunity. But, I don't think so. 

Buffy decides to patrol when the get back. I can tell by Dawn's expression that she didn't expect that. Xander's happy to stay with Dawn, despite her protests that she doesn't need a babysitter. Xander heads for the TV while Buffy goes up to change. Dawn is seriously unhappy with the situation, but Buffy's too preoccupied to notice, and Xander? Well, I don't think he'd notice if a herd of chirago demons descended on the room.

I follow Buffy as she heads out on her route. It feels so familiar, being with her like that, I almost forget my bodiless state. It's a quiet night, and she meets only a couple of fledglings - not even enough to make her break sweat. She's fighting a little woodenly. I'm surprised, I've never known her to be like that. There's always been passion in the way she fights. Even after her mom, when her heart was breaking, there was passion in the way she fought. Now, it's gone, and it's as if there's a light fewer in the world.

Her face is expressionless as she moves from cemetery to cemetery. Her last stop is the one I lived in. She seems to be avoiding the crypt, heading in unexpected directions whenever her route would take her there. It could just be she doesn't want to talk to Clem. I mean, sometimes his comparison of different snack types can get a bit wearing. She sighs deeply, shaking her hair as if trying to snap out of something. Her footsteps turn towards home.

Dawn's face is a picture when we get back. She has obviously had enough of Xander, and she goes to bed soon after Buffy gets back. It's not long before Buffy claims she's tired, and Xander stands to leave. It's obvious he doesn't want to go, and for the first time, a shred of pity comes over me. The whelp has nothing. No family he'd want to claim, no Anya. He's lost, and the worst part of it must be that it's his own fault. He betrayed Anya by walking away from their wedding. That must hurt. At least I know I tried my best to make Buffy see I loved her. At least, right up until …

He's gone, at last. Buffy goes upstairs, and I follow, lurking in the hallway. I hear her shower, and I know she's dressing for bed. When I'm fairly sure she's settled, I go into her room. It's still the old one, still as I remember it. She's lying in her bed, curled into an almost foetal position. I move closer, and notice she's shaking. Not the rapid shaking of being cold, but the slower shaking of misery. She's sobbing. I try to wrap myself around her, desperate to bring her comfort, but her sobs actually increase.

It's almost as if she knows I'm here, and I'm the one making her sad. The thought hits me, and my everything turns to ice. It's me. I'm hurting her. Somehow, by being here, I'm hurting her. I can't take it any more. I've got to get away, got to stop hurting her. It's probably for the best if I just cease to exist. 

For the first time I consider the possibility that my turning to dust was the best thing that could have happened for Buffy. She was always telling me to go away, but I didn't listen. I was so sure I could help her, so sure she would love me in the end. Now I know better. The pain's growing again. I'm responsible. It's me.

I close my eyes. (I know, I don't have any. Ok, I stop taking in visual information. 'I close my eyes' is much simpler.) I want to be anywhere that means I won't hurt her again. I wish for annihilation. 

I open my eyes, and this time I haven't a bloody clue where I am. It's bright, almost too bright. It's just as well I don't have a body, because this light level would have had me smouldering in seconds. I look down, and I do have a body. Bloody Hell. What is going on here? The body's just as I remember it. Except, I've never been in the habit of wandering around outside naked. And that's what I'm doing. I can feel the grass under my feet. It's cool from dew, but the air's warm. I'm feeling sunshine on my skin for the first time in a century, and it feels so good. Am I in heaven? Not possible. Hell, yes, well, it's where vampires go, and it's what I deserve. But this seems rather more like heaven to me. I can't see anyone else around. I walk a bit further. I can hear the ocean ahead, although I don't see it yet. 

The sounds are those of a summer's day. Somehow, it doesn't seem so much like California, although the only reason I can think of for that is the lack of company. I crest a small rise, and I see it. It's blue and it goes on forever. This unexpected treat brings a lump to my throat. It's been so long since I've been in the sunshine. It's like a gift. A gift I don't deserve.

I reach the sand. I head over the warm, dry sand, feeling it between my toes. It's almost too hot for comfort. I move towards the shoreline, and feel the coolness of the wet sand. The contrast is delicious, the warmth of the sunshine and the cool of the sand. I resist the urge to walk into the water. I'm not sure why, I just feel I should.

I follow the beach, just walking, just appreciating. I see someone in the distance, approaching. It's a child, a girl, maybe eight or so? I'm no expert. She looks human, except she glows. How she can appear to glow in the bright sunshine of this paradise, I don't know. But, glow she does. I remember I'm naked, but suspect that where I am isn't real anyway, so I don't suppose it matters. The girl's smiling at me, and I do my best to wipe the smile off my face. I just realised that I've been grinning like a bloody ponce since I got here. Whatever's going on, I like to keep my options open. It doesn't pay to let anyone know I'm actually enjoying this.

I make as if I'm going to keep on walking, but she stops, and looks at me, and I can't go on. She's smiling at me, and it's disarming, the way only a child's smile can disarm. I look closely at her face. Her hair is blonde and her eyes are blue. The face could almost be Dawn, apart from the hair colour. It's a face of innocence. It's a face that hasn't known the pain of losing a mother and a sister. It's a face that hasn't experienced whatever Dawn has seen this summer.

I feel another twinge of guilt at that. I know something happened to my girls this summer, and I don't know what it was. Something else I need to sort out.

"Spike," the girl says. "I thought you wanted to know what's happening. You won't find out if you keep going."

"So, are you going to tell me? Or are you going to keep me dangling here?"

"Oh, I'll tell you when I'm ready. First, I want you to tell me some things."

I don't like the sound of that, so I change the subject a bit. "Tell me, what do you really look like? I mean, I'm starting to doubt the 'little girl' thing. So, what is it? Horns? Scales? Slime? What're you hiding?"

"I knew I couldn't fool you. But, I'm not hiding anything. I'm actually adding something. The glow you see, that's what I would look like to your primitive vision. The rest, is designed to make you feel comfortable. So, Spike, how are you doing? You really have given us all a major headache, you know? We have plans for you, and in the end, there's a minor miscalculation, and a major disaster results."

"Wait just a minute. Who is 'us'? And what have you been miscalculating?"

"Patience, William. Never been your long suit, has it? Now, you were coming along nicely. I mean, we haven't had to do much tweaking. Only to get the soldiers to be in the right place at the time, so you could have the chip. You've done your part without any interference. You were coming along so well. You even knew you needed a soul. You worked it out for yourself. Of course, we had to make sure you got the right information on how to get a soul, but you completed the trials. There was no manipulation there. You did it, just as I knew you would."

"So, what went wrong, then, Pet?" I hear the words that come from my mouth, and they're so different from what's going on in my head. "Manipulative bitch. The little girl thing is meant to keep me docile, make me listen, make sure I don't wring her neck. And the thing about it is, she's right. Can't say what I'm thinking, can't do anything. Poof."

"We knew you were special. That's why we've been watching. It's just that, the reason you're special, we think is the same reason we failed."

"Care to explain?" She's right. Patience is one thing I haven't got an endless supply of.

"No," she grinned, dimples showing on her cheeks. "First, I've got to make sure we know what went wrong. When you got your soul, how did you feel?"

I remember, and suddenly not smiling is just too easy. "Pain," I reply. 

"Well, duh, of course there was pain. You were in pain before, though, weren't you?"

"Trials to get a soul? Yeah, it hurt. I was ok though. I mean, physical pain, I can take it. Spent long enough with Angelus. Felt worse before the trials. Knowing I hurt her, let her down. That was worse. Then, the soul."

My eyes closed and I was back to this breathing thing. "It was pain like that, but I felt it for everyone I ever hurt. It wasn't just the pain of those I killed, somehow, that was the least of it. It was the others. The ones I never knew. The people who missed those I killed. It was like losing Buffy again, thousands of times over. It was … hell."

When I open my eyes again, the child is looking at me, with eyes that belie her apparent age. There is understanding, and more surprisingly, love in those eyes.

I try to pull myself up. I know I'm as soft as they come, but it doesn't pay to let just anyone know. "So, what happened? Why did getting a soul turn my body to dust?"

"I will explain, but first, you need some background. When you were killed, you lost your soul. That's simple, and you already knew that. It's the nature of the soul that's hard to understand. Most humans believe that, without a soul, you can't feel, can't feel love, can't feel remorse. Thing is, if that was true, you wouldn't feel hate either. The ability to feel all those things has nothing to do with the soul. Feelings come from something deeper, something humans don't even have a word for. I'll call it 'spirit', but it's more than that. Demons don't have souls, but they do have spirits. Vampires have a sort of fused spirit. The spirit of the human is still there, but it's joined by the spirit of the demon. Then, it's a battle of wills. Whichever is stronger will be predominant. 

Few human spirits can overpower the demon spirit. That's why vampires tend towards evil. They have the ability to do good, it's just buried under the demon's need for evil. Some humans have so little capacity for good, that the resulting vampire takes delight in evil. Angelus was one such. When he got a soul, he felt human emotion - the positive human emotions - for the first time. It hurt, and he tried to be better. The soul weakened the demon spirit, so that the best of his human spirit can could through. Angel is perpetually on a knife edge. His human spirit has so little good in it, that even with a specially chosen soul, he can only just feel enough."

"Ok, but I didn't really want to hear about the Poof. What happened to me?"

"You, my dear William, are as different from Angel as it is possible to be. Your spirit was so strong, that your demon always had a struggle to subdue the good in you. You never enjoyed killing, did you? Oh, I know you did it, you had to feed, and you enjoyed feeding. But the actual killing? You didn't enjoy that. Angelus' exploits sickened you. Even Dru, even her proclivities left you cold, but you could forgive her because of the way she was abused by Angelus."

"You're wrong," I whispered. "I was bad, evil. Still am. Proved that when I tried, … when I hurt Buffy. It's just the chip."

"Spike, Spike, you spent so long trying to persuade Angelus and Darla that you were evil, that you convinced yourself along the way. The chip didn't change you, it just meant that you had to stop fooling yourself. You could follow your own inclinations. And you did. You did better than we expected. You allied yourself to the Slayer, and you vowed to keep safe the Key. That was your role, and had it not been for you, both would have been lost, beyond recovery."

"You're wrong," I repeated.

The child put a hand on my arm and pulled me to sit on the sand. Except the sand under us was now dry, and covered with a brightly coloured picnic cloth. 

When we were both seated, the child continued. "Now we get to the cause of the problem. You see, your spirit is strong. That's why you were chosen for your task. But, it was also the downfall. It's because of the strength of your spirit, that when your soul was restored, your demon was almost impotent. You were already so able to feel your own inadequacies, you could already feel guilt and regret. The feelings were person specific, you felt guilt for hurting those you loved, but the feelings were real and strong. With the soul, those feelings of regret no longer had any restraint, and caused you so much pain that it was more than your body could survive. So, it disintegrated. I suspect it was inevitable. Your spirit is the only one strong enough to succeed, but it was, by virtue of that same strength, doomed to fail."

I had been looking at my knees as she spoke. I found I couldn't look up. The child held out a hand, and cupped my chin. I flinched, expecting her touch to burn me. "You still feel the guilt, the pain, don't you? Even without the body, you feel it." Her voice conveyed, not pity, but understanding.

"The thing is," she continued. "We need to decide what to do about it. As I see it, we have two choices. The first, is we accept what happened. Your body is gone, and you ceased to exist. Now, the problem with that is, that you have a job to do. We need you."

I looked up at these words. "No."

"You don't care that we need you?"

"All I care about is that Buffy's hurting, and it's my fault. If I'm gone, she'll be ok again."

"You're very wrong, you know. Your job is to do what you promised."

"What? What did I promise?"

"You promised to protect the Key."

"So, you want me to go back and protect the Bit? Buffy's more than capable."

"Not against what's coming. You see, the Key is more than a way of opening portals between realities. It can be used to do that, but it's rather like using state-of-the-art decryption software to open a book of nursery rhymes. The Key has a much higher purpose. She is the key to the survival of the human race. There are many forces who will try to destroy her, and we have only two warriors able to defend her."

"Two? Oh, I get it. Buffy and me. That's what you're saying, isn't it?"

"Yes. In the beginning, it was her role to be protector to the Key. But you are needed too."

"I can't go back. I'm hurting her. Even without a body, I was hurting her."

"What's hurting her is her own regrets, her own guilt. You have to work out what happened between you, but you have the capacity to make her happy. No one else has that capacity."

Now I knew she didn't have a bloody clue. "And why would you think that?"

"Because, she's not human."

"Got you there. She is human. The reason I could hurt her is just, what was it, 'molecular sunburn'. That's what Tara said."

"Tara was right when she said there was nothing in the spell which could have made Buffy 'come back wrong'. But, it wasn't the spell that did it. We took the opportunity afforded by her death and subsequent resurrection to … change her."

"Change her how? What've you bloody done to her?"

"The changes are significant, but in other ways, minor. She will live much longer than the normal human life span. She will have strength and endurance beyond even Slayer levels, although she will have to work to earn the benefits of these changes. Let's say, her capacity for strength and endurance has been increased. Her other bodily functions will be normal. She has a heartbeat, and is warm blooded. A basic medical examination would be unlikely to pick up the differences. A more detailed exam would pick up a much higher metabolic rate than normal. Of course, her strength is above the normal level. Her rate of recovery from injury would seem nothing sort of remarkable."

"But, what does that have to do with me?"

"Well, we planned to make similar changes to you when you received your soul. Unfortunately, the demise of your body precluded that action. What we want to do is return you to your own body, modified in the same way. You will no longer be a vampire. You won't be human, either, though. You will no longer be immortal, although, like Buffy, you will live for many human life spans. You will no longer have to avoid sunlight, and a stake to the heart will no longer necessarily be fatal."

"I still say no."

"What about your promise?"

"She doesn't need me to look after Dawn now."

"Without you, our calculations indicate that the likelihood of Dawn surviving the next twelve months are about thirty percent. If we extend the time scale to ten years, it will be less than one percent."

"You mean I don't have a choice."

"Spike, you always have a choice. I'm just hoping you make the right one."

"Go back and keep Dawn alive, or cease to exist? That's not a choice. And you know it."

"Good," the child replied. 

You will find we have made some more, practical differences to your life when you get back. Some might consider it a reward for making the right decision, although I suspect, you will not. Again, another required characteristic. You're just too stubborn, you know that, don't you?"

She started to glow brighter, and I had to put my hand over my eyes to deflect the glare. When I look again, she, and the beach, are gone.

* * *

So, you see, he's not going to stay in spirit form all the way through. And for those of you who thought he might, I have to say, where's the fun in a bodiless Spike? There may be another chapter this week, but I doubt it. As of the end of this week, there will certainly be nothing else until the end of October. I am still paying for support services, so if you put me on your author alert, you'll get an email when I update. __

As always, feedback is appreciated.


	5. Chapter 5 News From an Unexpected Sourc...

****

Chapter 5 - News from an Unexpected Source

I sit on the back steps to think. I've always done that. I remember, when I was little, I would find somewhere like this to sit and be alone when I was upset about something. Of course, becoming the Slayer and coming to live in Sunnydale have both given me more problems than I would have guessed at. Funny thing is, it's not the slaying that's the problem at the moment. As usual, during the summer, things in Sunnydale have been quiet. I've managed to get away with patrolling just a couple of nights a week, and when I do patrol, I meet almost nothing.

Dawn's gone off to the Mall with Janice and her mother, and Xander's putting in some overtime. It's a day off, and there a million things I could be doing, but instead I'm just sitting here. I'm really feeling spooked by yesterday. I could feel Spike, really felt him near me. The presence seemed to be trying to comfort me, but I don't deserve comfort. Then, suddenly it was gone, and I missed it so much. Dawn knows something's wrong, but hasn't asked. She just looks at me, her face a question. I'll have to try to talk to her, but what can I say? "I felt Spike's presence," just sounds plain unlikely.

What's even more confusing, was the dream last night. I mean, dreaming of Spike, nothing unusual there. Normally when I dream of him, we're, well, doing things I'd rather not think about just now. Occasionally we're fighting, but in every dream, I hurt him. I always end up saying something, hurting him. Every time I see his face, and he's doing his best not to let me see how much I hurt him. But I know. 

The dream last night was of Spike walking on a beach, in the sunshine. The sight was so incongruous, it even seemed that way in the dream. He looked… good. At peace. I realised I have rarely if ever seen him like that. The scene shifted, and he was in a garden. He didn't know I was there, and again the sun was shining. I couldn't see his face. There was a bird on the grass. Large, black and white - a magpie. I remember a rhyme I didn't realise I knew.

__

One for sorrow,

Two for joy,

Three for a girl,

Four for a boy,

Five for silver,

Six for gold,

Seven for a secret,

Never to be told.

A single magpie - one for sorrow. As I remembered that, I saw Spike's face change, and on it, his sorrow. It wasn't the raw emotion of that night in the bathroom. This was sadness that's bedded in somehow. This was sadness that's so much a part of the face, it would look naked without it.

I woke this morning with clear memories of the dream. It didn't seem like a Slayer dream, it didn't have the cryptic qualities I always associate with them. I've been trying to make sense of it. I mean, one part seems obvious. Spike's alone, and that's not good. The next part of the rhyme implies that when he's not alone, he'll be happy. But, if that includes me, I don't believe it. I just think too much has happened between us for us to be happy together. I doubt he'll be able to forgive himself for what happened in the bathroom any more than I'll be able to forgive myself for what I've done to him. 

Despite everything I now know about myself, I also know that humans and demons don't mix. We're just incompatible. I know I fought that idea when Angel wanted to leave, but I now know he was right. If he hadn't gone, we would have split up anyway. Maybe he shouldn't have left when he did. If he had stayed, we would have reached the end of things, and I would have had no regrets. What he did, leaving like that, made sure I wasn't able to draw a line under my time with him. It left me comparing everyone with, not him, but my memories of him. And no one could compare to that. Not even Angel could compare with that.

I think back to my earlier call to Giles. He's been phoning once a week or so, just to let us know how things are. He seems remarkably upbeat about it all. Optimistic. I remember my last sight of Willow before they left. She was broken. I can't think of any other word to describe her. Losing Tara broke her emotionally, but what she did after, that broke her mentally and physically. How do you come back from that?

Needless to say, I didn't tell Giles I've been imagining Spike is back. I know he laughed after I told him I'd been sleeping with Spike, but that was kinda hysterical laughter. He didn't approve of Angel, and he had a soul. He'll never approve of Spike. 

I've been brooding long enough. It's time I did something. Can't patrol in daylight, so I head for the basement. Xander salvaged what he could out of the Magic Box, and it's stored down there. Part of it has been set aside for me to train. There's not so much space as I had at the shop, but it's better than paying to use a gym. I mean, I couldn't afford it anyway, and I can do without the questions about how I can lift heavier weights than guys twice my size.

When I finish, I feel better. I go upstairs to shower and dress. It's still early, so I decide to go to the mall. I do need some new tops for my new job, and if I don't go now, I'll only regret it when I'm two days away from starting. Just as I'm due to leave the house, the phone rings. I run back to answer it, and it's Xander. He's going out this evening, someone's birthday and they're all going for a drink. Could be late. He apologises. I heave a sigh of relief.

I get a surprise at the mall. I mean, I'm half expecting to see Dawn, but the person I bump into is Anya. She looks embarrassed to see me, and initially pretends she didn't. I'm not having it, though, and I make sure she can't avoid me.

"Anya, good to see you," I start.

"Hello, Buffy." She's twiddling with her hair, an action which makes her seem uncharacteristically nervous.

I put a hand on her shoulder, and she smiles nervously at me.

"Fancy a coffee?" I ask.

She nods, and we head for the nearest outlet. 

She claims a table while I order two mochas, and a few moments later I join her.

"So, where have you been? We were worried."

"Were you?" she looks at me in disbelief.

"Of course we were. I mean, you helped, did all you could to stop Willow, but when it was all over, you were gone. Why?"

"Just felt, I didn't belong any more. I mean, I'm not human now. I've been among you long enough to know how welcome non-humans really are."

I knew my face showed my feelings for a second, despite my attempts to hide them. Anya looked stricken.

"What's the matter, Buffy? Did I say something? I didn't mean, I mean, Xander used to always tell me to be careful what I said, but, I didn't think …"

"It's ok, Anya. What you see is my guilty conscience. That's all."

"It's about Spike, isn't it?"

I just nod, staring into my drink.

"Still not back, then?" she enquired.

I shook my head. It suddenly occurs to me that this is the one person I can talk to. Actually talk to without holding anything back.

"He will be." Her voice is reassuring. "He loves you."

"I thought so, at first, but now, I'm not so sure. It's been so long, and …"

"You love him."

It's a simple statement, and my head jerks up as she says it. "What? How?"

"I've always known, Buffy. You see, I can keep my mouth shut when I need to. I've known since, well, since just after you came back. It just took you a while to realise it. Then, you were different, too."

"Molecular sunburn, Tara called it."

"No, there's something else. It's hidden, I felt it instinctively when you came back, but wasn't quite sure what it was. When I became a demon again, I knew for sure."

I know what she's going to say, and I start to deny it. "You're wrong, I am still human. How can I be anything other than human? I'm Dawn's sister. How can she have a demon for a sister?"

"Buffy, I don't know what you are, but you're no more human than I am. Think about it. And, Dawn's not exactly your common or garden human either. I mean, physically, yes, she's human. But she's still the Key. She didn't stop being the Key after Doc bled her. I'd be very surprised if we've heard the last about the Key."

This isn't what I wanted to hear. I thought I'd find out how she was, get the chance to show her I'm glad she's back, and she throws this at me.

"I know what you're doing," I tell her. "You're afraid you won't be welcome any more because you're no longer human, but you think I'll still want you around if I think I'm not human either. Well, you're wrong. Demon or not, you were welcome back here, and I'd have considered you a friend right up to the time when you do some vengeance on someone I care about. But now, I just don't know you any more, Anya. It's like the Anya I knew is gone, and someone else is using her body."

I push my chair back roughly, hardly noticing that I almost end up with someone's latte down the back of my neck. I can't say any more, so I pick up my bag and run. I keep running, past shops and stores, not thinking of anything other than my need to get away, until I'm outside, and then I pause, wondering where to go. I hear someone calling my name, and I turn around, expecting to see Anya, but it's Dawn. She's running after me, and she looks worried. I start to move towards her.

"Buffy!" she calls. "What's the matter? You ran past us like there was a demon chasing you. We called you, but you didn't hear."

I don't speak, just hug my little sister. I know I'm crying, I can't help it. I know I'm scaring her, but right now, I'm too scared myself to help her. I'm scared, because deep down, I know Anya's right. I've known since I came back.

Dawn leads me back into the mall where Janice and her mother are waiting. I don't speak to them, but hear a whispered conversation. They agree to take me home, and bundle me into the back seat of Janice's mum's car. I can tell they're all worried, so I manage to mumble something about being ok. I just got a fright. Someone tried to take my purse, but I stopped them, and ran. It's not much of a story, but my brain's too full of other things to think of anything better.

We reach the house, and Dawn takes me to the door. I hear her promising to call if she needs something. I go inside and sit on the settee. I know I'm curled up, looking scared, but I don't feel able to unfurl myself. Dawn follows and sits opposite me. She's lost the initial panic she had in the mall, and now she looks worried and not a little angry.

"Ok, would you like to tell me what that's all about?"

I shake my head. I really don't feel like talking at all.

"Well, if you won't talk to me, I'll just have to call Xander. Maybe you'll tell him. 'Cos, you really wigged me. What happened to make you run like that? And why have you been acting so off recently?"

The threat of Xander makes me reconsider. He is **so** not the person I need to talk to right now.

"Ok," I agree, "but no Xander."

Ok, so, spill."

I remain silent for a few moments, then decide to start at the beginning.

"Friday, while I was still at work, I felt Spike. You know, the tingle I get with vampires, but it was definitely Spike. But he wasn't here. As far as I know, he's not in Sunnydale. It happened again later, after I got home. It threw me. I .. I kept remembering the things that happened. I 'spose it's guilt. He loved me and I did everything I could to hurt him. I was such a bitch."

Dawn nodded, but said, "Yeah, I know, but you already told me that. About you being a bitch anyway. But how could you feel him if he's not here? It must've just been your imagination."

She's right, I know it, but I was so sure at the time. I continue. "Today, at the mall, I met Anya."

This isn't what Dawn's been expecting, and she jumps to her own conclusion.

"You mean she was planning to get all vengeancy on you? Because of Spike? 'Cos, he wouldn't do that. She had to have tricked him. "

"No, Dawn, no vengeance. We just talked, or rather, she talked. She's been back a while, but didn't think she'd be welcome now because she's not human any more. I told her she was still a friend, that I didn't care whether she was human or not, and she told me some things I didn't want to hear. She .. she said that, as a demon, she knew I was one too. She said I had been, since I came back, but she was only sure once she was a demon again. I … I didn't take it too well. I said some things, accused her of saying it so she would be welcome again. I was so scared, I don't want to be a demon. But, I know she's right. I guess I've known it all along. That's why I asked Tara to check out the spell. I thought it was because of what was happening with Spike, but that's only a small part of it."

Dawn's just looking at me. I'm expecting to hear disgust from her, but she says nothing.

"Dawn, it's ok, tell me, tell me you hate me."

"Buffy, I don't hate you. Listen, who's the blob of green energy put into a teenage body by some weird monks? Who's been telling you all along that Spike would be good for you? You're my sister, that's all I know. You're difficult to live with, but I guess that goes for me, too. And I love you."

Then she's sitting next to me, and hugging me, and I'm hugging her back. I'm crying again, but they're tears of relief now. 

"Listen, Buffy, I don't care what you are. But, if you're worried, if you've got to know, maybe you should talk to Giles. He'll know what to do."

I think about that, then shake my head. "Maybe later. He's got enough to worry about with Willow. Whatever I am, I've coped for a year, I can manage a bit longer."

She nods her agreement. Then her face lights up a bit. "Does this drama call for junk food?"

I laugh at her earnest expression. "Sure, Dawn. What d'ya want?"


	6. Chapter 6 A Witch and a Watcher

****

Chapter 6 - A Witch and a Watcher

It's been a beautiful day. It's not the picture of England I had before. It's cooler now, but the day was warm. There's a beautiful salmon coloured sky to the west promising another day like today. The grass is green, and it's peaceful. Giles is close by. He's barely let me out of his sight since …. I mean, not at night, of course, but even then, I know he's near, and my bedroom has been 'treated' to absorb magical energy. He's been careful to tell me that it's not that he doesn't trust me, but he hasn't said anything else.

We're not alone here. There are others. I can't say they're friends. They're members of the coven that lent Giles the power to stop me. Sometimes they look at me, and I see hate. Other times, I see pity. I never see warmth. The only warmth I see is from Giles, and even that is muted. It's not the warmth of the days before …. Before my life ended. 

That's how it felt, when I knew she was gone. It felt like I'd died too. Then, something else took over my body. I mean, I know it was me too. I know that, but that's not how it felt. The part of me that I recognised, that was numb. The part that did the things I did, the pain the I caused, it feels like it was someone else.

The time I've spent here is like being back at school. I've got a timetable that I have to follow each day. The house is large, and it's surrounded by huge grounds. There's an indoor pool, and that's where I start each morning. I have to swim until I feel almost unable to clamber out of the pool. It was all explained to me at the beginning. The treatment I have to undergo requires that my body is tired. I suppose it's a variation on brainwashing techniques, in that the mind is more malleable when the body is tired. But, it's all very humane. They're not trying to harm me, just to make sure that I can't be like that again. They explained that too. There were two options. I could either have my power removed, or I could be taught to use it for good, and conditioned to understand that some magics are simply too dangerous. Those in charge here wanted the former. Giles argued on my behalf. It's risky. Removing power that's deep within someone can destroy them. Giles spent the first two days after we arrived arguing for me. Even now, I know that the others think he was wrong, and I know that if I fail again, there will be no reprieve for me.

After the swim, I shower and dress for breakfast. After that, I go to one of several rooms that are used for my 'treatment'. There is a whole range of treatments that I undergo. Some sessions just require me to go through my actions after Tara died. I don't mean describe them, I mean re-enact them. I'm put into a trance, and I literally relive those hours. These sessions always end with me sobbing. I can hardly believe what I did. The pain I caused. The fact that I killed, and would have continued to kill, until there was nothing left.

Another daily session requires meditation. It's the closest I get to a rest during the day. I have to concentrate on my inner self. I'm being taught to recognise the various parts of my personality, so that if the parts responsible for what happened ever try to resurface, I can quash them. 

Another session is based on earth magic. It's intensive and it allows me to pull on the purest of all magic. This is the magic that cannot be perverted. This is the magic of healing and growth. It's the magic that Tara's power was rooted in. 

These are the regular events in my day. Other events happen on a given day, never to be repeated. I've lost count of the number of people who have come to listen to me, to lay their hands on me, or to talk to me. Their faces are a blur, and the lessons they have taught me unclear. I think that is as it is meant to be. I think they are planting seeds which will only grow when needed.

I meet Giles at meal times, and during the second last session of the day. That's where we are now. We've eaten, and I'm allowed to spend an hour with Giles. We're walking in the grounds of the house, and he's listening. Not that I've got a lot to say, but he's listening. I look at my watch and know that I'm due to get back to the pool soon. The regime of twice daily swimming has improved my fitness beyond memory. I mean, for someone who hated anything to do with physical education at High School, I've still stayed pretty fit. I mean, you can't help the Slayer otherwise. But now, well, I'm way beyond what I was. And it has one real benefit - I'm so tired that sleep comes easily, at first anyway.

Of course, after the initial exhaustion wears off, I often lie awake for hours, remembering. Thinking about Tara and the fact that I'll never see her sweet face again. That I'll never touch her again.

Other nights I think about what I tried to do. I think about the people I hurt. I mean, Buffy and Dawn and Xander. When I think of this, I'm almost glad Tara didn't see what I did. That would have hurt her so much. And, I think I could have hurt her, too in the end.

I've been so lost in my own thoughts that I haven't paid any attention to Giles. I look at him, and realise he's got something on his mind.

"What's up?" I ask.

"I'm that obvious, am I?"

"Well, not so obvious. I mean, it's taken me, what, forty minutes to work out you want to say something? Sorry, just thinking."

"Well, I need to ask you how you feel about going back."

I didn't expect that. Not tonight. I mean, I know that, sooner or later, I've got to get back to my life. And Sunnydale's my home. It's where my parents are, and it's where my friends are - if they're still my friends. I don't see how they could be. Well, maybe I can, but only just. I mean, they accepted Angel back into the fold after the whole Angelus thing. But it was never the same. I know I felt it too. Buffy was the only one who forgave him completely. The rest of us accepted him for Buffy's sake, except Xander who never really accepted him at all.

Think how Buffy and Xander have been with Spike. I mean, he's never tried to end the world. Sure he killed, mainly for food, but, he actually helped to stop Angelus ending the world, and that was before the chip or anything. But he's not part of the team. He never will be. And, if they can't forgive him for crimes against strangers, for things he's done to us, how can they ever forgive me? How can I ever forgive me?

The one thing I can't regret is Warren. I know it's my feelings on that subject that have given the coven the greatest pause. They expect me to regret killing the man who murdered the woman I loved. A woman who was worth the whole world. But I can't. So, I'm surprised that going back is on the cards yet.

"I don't know," I answer.

Giles smiles encouragingly. "I understand you're not sure. But, you have to do it eventually. The coven believes that you'll only overcome your final problems when you are home. They recommend that you re-enrol at college. They want you to keep up with the physical activity, and reintroduce yourself to a social life. How does that sound?"

I think about that. "Going back to school sounds good. I mean, reading, using my brain, that's always been something that makes me feel good. Learning. Yeah, I can do that. Swimming? I guess so." I shrug. I'm getting to the bit I'm not at all sure about.

"You're worried about the others?"

"Yeah," I whisper.

"Would it help to know that I've had almost daily calls, some in the middle of the night, from Xander? That boy can't seem to remember for more than a couple of minutes at a time that we're nine hours ahead of him here. He's been pestering me, wanting to talk to you. Wanting to know when you're coming back."

I take this in. I smile, slightly. "Math was never his strong point. Not that he had a strong point academically. I mean, he's clever, I know he is, but not that way."

I realise he's only mentioned one person. "What about Buffy?"

"Well, I've spoken to her, of course. She always asks about you. I think…, I think she's been dealing with some things too. She hasn't talked about it to me. Almost as if she's trying to spare me, and to be honest, I've been so involved here, I've had to leave it. But, I'd like to go back. I'd like to talk to her, face to face. I'd like to know how she's doing."

I don't know what else I can say. I've got to get on with my life some time. I know that. I just don't feel ready, but something inside me tells me I'll never feel ready.

* * *

She's so different. When I look at the young woman in front of me, I feel she is the third Willow I've known.

I first knew her at High School. She was quiet, studious, and had little self confidence. She changed slowly over those years. Spending time with the Slayer, having to think on her feet, life and death situations. All these changed her. Her confidence grew and she was a lovely young woman. Had those changes stopped just there, she would have been perfect. If I'm truthful, I've often wished I was younger, and could offer her something worth her acceptance. 

The changes didn't stop. Self confidence became arrogance. Fighting for good became fighting for what she wanted. Yet, when I left Sunnydale last year, I had no idea how far the changes would go. 

Part of the reason for my blindness was Tara. Everything I knew about her said she would be a steadying influence. I had absolute confidence that she would keep Willow from sinking too deep into reliance on magic that can only corrupt. And, I believe my judgement in that was essentially correct. Tara did try to stop Willow's excessive use of magic. Perhaps she let it go too far before she acted, but that's understandable. How do you tell someone you love that they're falling into a pit of their own making? It's a difficult decision to make, and should only be attempted when one is certain of one's facts.

And yet, I believe Tara's intervention would have been successful. But for Warren Meers, Willow would have come back from the brink and continued to grow in strength and character.

All of that changed because of one insignificant man. A man of intellect, certainly, but one so wrapped up in his own importance, that he believed the world owed him whatever he wanted. He wanted to be some sort of super-criminal, and Buffy stopped him. So, like a spoiled child, he had to hit the person who had wounded him. He went after Buffy with a gun, and managed to kill Tara. She was an innocent bystander, not in his sights, and she died.

I understand what happened to Willow. I felt the same things, wanted the same things after Jenny was murdered by Angelus. I never forgave him for that. I tolerated him for Buffy's sake, but to this day, I would take the greatest pleasure in making him suffer for several days or even weeks before staking him.

I was only able to pull back from such a course because of years of experience. I have seen my own dark side, and I let it lead me for a while, but in the end I fought it. It's something I'm still fighting, but over the years it has become easier. 

Willow didn't have that experience. She had only started to subdue her darker nature, and faced with the sorrow from Tara's loss, she had no defences.

The Willow I see this evening looks older than her twenty-two years. She looks tired, and not just physically. I know she doesn't sleep well. I know she's still plagued by dreams. But, it's more than that. It's as if she no longer feels she has a role in life. That's why I've asked the coven to agree to her going home. Legally, they cannot force her to remain here, but they take their responsibilities very seriously. They will not allow her freedom with her powers intact if they think she is a risk to others. It has taken days of persuasion on my part, and the promise that I will stay close to her before I obtained their agreement.

She looks surprised when I ask her how she feels about going home. Surprised and not a little apprehensive. She brightens visibly when I suggest she goes back to college. Study has always been a recreation rather than a chore for Willow. Picking up her social life is a different story. She looks pleased when I tell her how often Xander has asked when she's coming back. I won't lie to her, though. Buffy hasn't seemed too interested. She asks in passing when we talk, but seems content for Willow's exile to last as long as necessary.

I know that everything is not well with my Slayer. Whatever it is, Xander has no idea. I sense that relations between Buffy and Dawn are better, and that's good. If I didn't know better, I'd suspect Buffy's introspection was something to do with Spike, but I know he has not returned. That is something I would expect Xander to tell me, and one subject I wouldn't even object to hearing about in the early hours of the morning.

I go on to explain that the coven has recommended that she live with me for the time being. I tell her that it will be easier for her to get back into her life if she has someone on hand to talk to. Someone who knows what has happened here. Someone who understands.

I can see in her eyes that she knows the real reason. She knows I am her guarantor. She knows she will be on trial.

"So, when do we go?"

"Well," I reply. "It'll take a few days to get a flight organised. I've managed to get an agreement from a friend in Sunnydale that we can use an apartment for a few months at least. It's quite spacious, it has two large bedrooms, and two bathrooms. We'll only have to share the lounge and kitchen, so we should get along well enough."

She nods, agreeing to something over which she knows she has no choice.


	7. Chapter 7 A New Beginning

__

No update to 'A Unique Specimen' tonight. For those of you following both, I'm sorry. Truth is, 'Sorrow's coming easier at the moment, but I promise to work on 'Unique' next, inspiration permitting.

****

Chapter 7 - A New Beginning

I waken slowly. I don't know where I am. I look around the unfamiliar surroundings, and wonder. Too late I spot the sunshine on my arm. Instinctively, I roll away, off the bed and into its shadow. I check my arm for damage and see nothing. Not even the tell-tale smoke rising from charring flesh.

I tell myself this should mean something. Slowly it comes back to me. It was a dream of some sort. I was talking to a glowing child. She told me I was going to be like Buffy. Not human, but like her. Whatever I am, it's the same as she is, and has been for a year, and she's been able to go out in the sunshine.

With that memory, come the others. Inevitably, the first is the memory of hurting her. It cuts through me, and I hear a sob coming from my chest. That thought leads me to all the others. All those who lost someone because of my bloodlust. I lie still for a while, just letting the pain wash over me. I don't know how long I've been lying there, but slowly the pain recedes. It's so slow that at first, I don't even realise it's happening.

After a while, I manage to get up. The girl, she said she was going to make some changes. She said it was a reward for making the right decision. Except it wasn't a choice. She didn't give me a bloody choice.

I look around the room. It's not too big, but it has a large bed, a chest of drawers and there's a wardrobe. I approach the window cautiously, a century of habit impossible to break in a few moments. I look outside. There's a small garden, nothing special, just some grass and a few bushes. I check the drawers and pull out some jeans and a T-shirt. They're blue, but there doesn't seem to be any black, and they fit, so with a shrug, I dress.

Once I'm decent, I open the door. It leads into a hallway. There's no sign of anyone, so I open another door and find a bathroom. Another leads to a kitchen. I check the fridge, and there's no blood. There is a range of standard foodstuffs - milk, eggs, butter. I open a cupboard and find some breakfast cereal. I realise I'm hungry, so I pour some into a bowl I pull from another cupboard and pour over some milk. A drawer contains cutlery, so I help myself to a spoon. Bowl in hand, I continue my perusal. 

Down the hallway a bit more, and I see a lounge. There're some chairs, a TV with video and DVD player, a music system and a collection of CDs that look remarkably familiar. A small dining table sits at one end, and there's a lap top on that. Recent one, too, by the looks of it. To one side of the table is a chest. I open it and find a small selection of weapons - stakes, a crossbow and a sword. 

Through the lounge is the front door. I open it and find myself in a standard suburban street. With a certain amount of trepidation, I walk outside. The sun is pleasantly warm on my arms and there is no sign of smoke. There's a mail box and I open it. Inside are a couple of letters addressed to Mr. William Prescott. I stare at the name I haven't seen in so long. In a daze, I head back to the kitchen, and put my bowl of cereal down.

This whole situation has me spooked. I mean, really nervous. I need some time before I can open these letters. For something to do, I look around and to my relief find an electric kettle. I fill it with water and switch it on. I root around in the cupboards and find some teabags. The kettle boils and I pour the boiling water into a mug right over the bag. I know it seems silly, but the familiar action of making a mug of tea is the only thing that's keeping my sanity intact at the moment. When the tea's ready, I pull out the bag. I can't see a bin at the moment, so I put it in the sink and add some milk to my tea. I sit in front of my cereal and force myself to eat it.

I consider the possibility that this is another dream, but a pinch to my arm proves otherwise. The cereal is finished, and I pick up one of the letters. I notice my hands are shaking as I open it. It's a typed letter on a plain white sheet. As soon as I start to read it, I hear her voice, the glowing child, reading it to me.

__

William,

I hope you like your reward. It's nothing special, really, but I hope you think it's better than before.

The flat is yours. In the top drawer in the bedroom are the papers that give you an identity, along with bank and credit card details. You should have a job offer soon. Please accept it. I know you'll find it difficult, but it really is necessary to your role as joint protector to the Key.

As you may have realised, you no longer need blood to survive. A basically human diet should suffice, but should you become injured, blood will accelerate your healing. The same goes for Buffy, although I suspect she doesn't know that yet.

I've arranged for Buffy to have a hint as to her true nature. Well, considering the nature of the messenger, it may have been more of a hint. You were not mentioned, however. How you break the news of your return to her, is up to you.

A Friend

I sit and stare at the letter for a while after I finish reading it. I'm wondering what the news she's no longer human is doing to Buffy. She must be so scared. A while ago, it's news that would have had me rejoicing. It would have proved the point I tried to make - that she belonged in the dark with me. Now, well, I haven't a clue where I belong, so I'm not about to try deciding for someone else. I remember her despair, and my first inclination is to go over there, but I know that isn't a good idea. I don't even know what day it is. I mean, how long was I gone? And, to be honest, I wasn't keeping too close a track of time while I was in Africa. 

I head for the bedroom and find the papers like she said. I also find a wallet and a set of keys. Looking at them, there are keys to the flat, and some car keys. I grab both and head out.

The front door has a number 4 on it, and beyond that, there're some parking spaces. The parking spaces seem to be allocated to the flats, and there's a car parked in my space. It's a recent model saloon, but nothing special. Certainly not what I'd have chosen, but I'm not too worried. 

I get into the car, and realise I'm still holding the second letter. This is on headed paper and it's from Sunnydale High School. It's offering me a job as Security Officer. I didn't know schools had security officers. I read further, and the letter goes on to outline the fact that this is a unique position due to the rather unique history of Sunnydale High School on that site. I check the address and realise it's the same as the old school. The one right over the Hellmouth. Bloody Hell, won't they ever learn?

I drive down to the local shops, pick up a newspaper and some food. I head back to the flat and proceed to make myself at home. According to the paper, it's Sunday, and I don't start work for another week. Ignoring the fact that it's still morning, I pour myself a beer, and sit down to consider what to do. 

She wants me to go and work at the school. The school that Dawn goes to. Where Buffy's going to work. My first reaction is to tell her to sod off. The pain of seeing them both will be too great. Then it hits me. I need the pain. Pain's the only way I can make amends for what I did. I just need to see that it won't cause them pain. Anyway, if Dawn's at school over the Hellmouth, she's going to need protection.

So, how do I break the news of my return? I decide on a letter, and rummage around the flat for some paper. I find some and start to write. Half an hour later, I've used more than half the pad, and the floor's covered in paper balls. I didn't realise this would be so hard. I start again.

__

Buffy,

I know I'm probably the last person you want to hear from right now, but I had to let you know I'm back. A lot's happened to me, most of which you won't want to know, but I have to warn you about something.

I'm coming to work at Sunnydale High School. I know that's going to be difficult, but, believe me, it wasn't my choice. Someone thinks Dawn's going to need protection, and wants both of us close to her. That's the only reason I accepted.

I know that words can't make up for what I did that last night, but for what they're worth, I am truly sorry. I would do anything to change what happened, but that's impossible. I know you'll never forgive me, and I've got to live with that.

My address and phone number are at the top. If you need me, just ask. I'll always be there to help, but I know that you will never trust me.

Yours always,

Spike

I still wasn't happy with it, but I couldn't think of any way to tell her that I would be happy with. I shoved the letter into an envelope and found a stamp in my wallet. I had noticed a post box a couple of blocks away, so I headed out into the morning sunshine. Despite everything, I knew I was smiling as I walked. People who passed me were either returning my smile or looking at me as if I was mad, depending on their inclination. It was just so damn good to be outside in daylight. I'd been telling myself for over a century that I didn't miss the sunshine, but I'd been lying. I don't know that California weather's exactly what I'd choose, but right now, sunshine's all I want. 

Funny thing is, the other thing I'm aware of for the first time in forever is that I'm too hot. I guess all the time I spent in warmer climates was as a vampire, and that way, temperature's immaterial. Not that I'm saying that the weather in England's bad. I mean, it can get cold, but not too bad. Contrary to popular belief, it doesn't snow there very often. And it doesn't rain that much either. I suppose it's what I grew up with, but it always seemed just about right to me.

I'm really not sure what to do now. I've posted the letter, but it won't arrive before tomorrow morning. So, what to do with the rest of the day? Easy. I go back to my flat, raid my drawers for some things, and head to the ocean. The memories of that dream are just too clear, and it felt so good, only this time I intend to get very wet.

I head a way out of Sunnydale. I don't want to take the chance of meeting any of the gang by accident. I think, too late, that some sun block would be a good idea. I mean, my lily white skin hasn't seen the sun since a time when a sun tan was considered coarse. I spot a drug store on the way and head in to remedy my omission. As I walk back to the car, I notice a neighbouring shop is being refitted. There are newspapers on the floor, apparently there to protect the carpet from paint. I don't know why, but I stop to look in the window. As I turn to leave, something catches my eye. I turn back again, finding the face quickly. My breath catches in my throat as I put the photo and the headline together.

****

UC Sunnydale Student Shot

There's no doubt who's in the picture - it's Tara.

I walk into the shop and pull the sheet off the floor. The decorators look at me, mystified. As I turn to leave, one of them calls, "Just help yourself, why don't you?" and shakes his head in surprise. I ignore him as I read the details of Tara's death. I'm shocked beyond telling. I go back to the car, and I read the article again. It says the police are, or were, looking for Warren Meers in connection with the shooting of Tara and Buffy Summers. It says that Warren is believed to have left the country.

Now I know why Dawn looked like she had changed this summer. She almost lost Buffy again, did lose Tara. I wasn't here to keep her safe, to keep them safe. The guilt starts to rise again, making it's presence felt. It had been there all along, but at a level which allowed me to well, not ignore it, but put it to the back of my mind. Before I know what's happening, I'm sobbing, my arms braced on the steering wheel and my head on my arms. I let them down again. My girls. How could I even think about being part of their lives again, even just as a protector? What sort of protector goes off and leaves them to face that? Answer's simple. A disgusting dead thing. Me.

I don't know how long I sat like that, but when I look up again, the sun's low in the sky. There goes my day at the beach, but then, I don't deserve such things. I wish I hadn't posted that letter this morning. If I hadn't, I could just head out of town and never come back. Take my disgusting and useless presence out of their lives forever. I don't care what that girl said, they'd both be better off without me.

I consider what to do. I can't leave. Not now Buffy will know I've been back. I've got to see her, let her tell me I let her down. Maybe she'll try to stake me. Probably. I think about the pain of having a stake pushed into my chest. It'll be so much worse than if I was still a vampire, because I'm not going to turn to dust. Of course, I might just bleed to death. There are worse ways to die. And I always knew she'd be the one to do it. It's her right, and I won't lift a finger to stop her.

With a certain amount of resolve and even relief, I head back to my 'home'. I spend the evening watching TV and listening to music. I find that there's not a lot I'll miss about life. Not a lot of what I've got, anyway. Only things I'll miss are my girls. And they're better off without me. I go to bed late and spend the night between waking and nightmares. In each of the dreams, someone I care about dies. Mostly it's Buffy or Dawn, but a couple of times it's Tara. And every time it happens, I know it's my fault. As dawn approaches, I give up on trying to sleep. I shower and dress then go into the kitchen to get some breakfast. This is one thing I'm going to struggle to get used to again. Vampires don't need to feed three times a day. I don't feel like eating, my stomach's sickened at the prospect, but I know I need to do it. Tea, the traditional cure for all ills. For everything from a shock to a bereavement, make a cup of tea. That's how I was brought up. Of course, back then, I didn't make the tea, that was done for me, but the inclination's still there. 

I ransack the flat looking for fags. None. I consider the possibility that the glowing child's trying to tell me something. Still, it's something I can go without. If I have to. I pull out everything I can find that gives me a clue to my purported past. I mean, I've got the identity, papers, flat, car. I assume it's all legal and above board. I doubt that there'll be a record somewhere stating my previous occupation as 'Scourge of Europe', or 'Evil Dead Thing', or 'Big Bad'. I settle down to acquaint myself with my 'past' - just in case I have a future. All the time I sit there, I'm expecting Buffy to come storming in, kicking the door down. I imagine her, full of righteous indignation, a stake in her hand. I smile at the picture. She's so damn glorious like that. Like an avenging angel. I take a deep breath, and sit down to await my fate.


	8. Chapter 8 A Letter Received

****

Chapter 8 - A Letter Received

The first day of my last week of wearing a chicken hat is over. I'm feeling almost giddy at the impending relief. It's over a week since my conversation with Anya, and apart from a need to apologise to her, I've recovered from the subject of the conversation. Dawn was right. Whatever I am, I've been for over a year now, and I'm doing ok. Life's really looking up. A few more days and I'll have a new job, Dawn and I are getting on fairly well, and I'm actually starting to look at the future with something approaching hope. Of course, I'm still the Slayer, so the future tends to mean the next couple of days, but, that's just the way things are.

I approach the house, and pick up the mail as I pass the mailbox. I rifle through the contents - a couple of bills, a letter from Giles, and another one. Hand-written address, but I'm not sure of the writing. It's been posted locally. I open the door, kicking off my shoes gratefully as I go in. I shout on Dawn, and get a muffled answer from upstairs. I head for the kitchen, pour myself a glass of cola, and sit down. The unknown letter has piqued my curiosity, so I open it first.

The writing has a slightly old-fashioned look about it, and now I see more of it, it's vaguely familiar. I scan down the page to the signature at the bottom and the paper slips out of my fingers to flutter to the floor. Spike. Stunned, I drop to the floor to pick up the paper. I start to read, but don't get beyond the first line before my vision blurs as tears form in my eyes. I wipe a hand across my eyes, and start again. I read his words, feeling his regret which seems to stand out from the paper, something three dimensional and real.

He's going to be working at the school. I wonder what he'll be doing. I mean, it's hard to see how someone with a sunlight allergy can hold down a job like that. I don't know what he'll be doing, and it's a big school, so I don't know whether I'll be seeing him often, but I'm bound to bump into him sometimes. I consider my options. I mean, I handed in my notice at work today, so I can't go back there. I quit once already, won't get another second chance. I can't not work. I mean, we're not in debt any more, but we soon will be if I'm not earning.

I look up to see Dawn watching me. "What's up?" she asks.

I shake my head, finding myself unable to speak. I hand her the letter. We promised we wouldn't keep secrets any more, and she deserves to know. I remember too late the passage about Dawn being in danger. I'm so wrapped up in my own discomfort at seeing Spike again, I hardly noticed the implied threat to her. I try to grab the letter back, but she pulls away, her eyes widening as she reads.

"Spike's back? And he's got an address? And a telephone? And, I'm in danger, again." This last is said with an air of boredom. She looks at me shrewdly. "That's why you tried to grab it back, isn't it?"

I nod. I'm still not sure my voice will work.

"Wow, and he's going to be working at school, so I'll be able to see him. And, if he's around, and you are too, then I'll be safe, won't I? Safe as I can be, anyway. It's cool."

I smile at the simplicity of Dawn's approach to life. I suppose she has the advantage of growing up on the Hellmouth. I mean, she's spent her whole real life here, even though she has memories of before.

"You don't think it's cool." It's a statement. Dawn's expression shows she doesn't understand.

"Well, it'll be difficult. Not for you, you didn't hurt him. But, we've got a lot of things to work through before we'll be even remotely comfortable with each other again. I'm not sure we ever will be."

"I know there're some things you need to talk about, but you'll get through it. I mean, you've forgiven him for what happened upstairs, haven't you?"

"Well, not so much forgiven him, as I understand why it happened. And it was as much my fault as it was his. So, maybe not so much to forgive. We weren't doing each other any good. But, I treated him so badly. I almost destroyed him. And all he did to deserve that was to love me."

"He's forgiven you." Dawn sounds confident.

"I'm not sure…."

"Read the letter. He thinks he's to blame for what happened. He doesn't blame you. You'll get over it."

I wish I could share her confidence. I really do. She's right, the letter implies that the only one in need of forgiveness is him. My own need for forgiveness is too great to be ignored, and I know that nothing will ever be right between Spike and me until that need has been answered. I discover that the prospect of having him around and things not being ok between us is awful. To have him close and not have his friendship - that would be more than I could bear. Anya's words come back to haunt me. 'You love him,' she told me. I flinched when she said the words. I know I care about him, care deeply. But love? I didn't think so, but if I don't, why did Anya's words shake me. I mean, the bit about being a demon shook me up, but her statement that I love Spike didn't exactly leave me feeling calm and collected. It's too hard to figure out right now, so I give up and stare at the other mail for a few moments before moving to open the letter from Giles.

I read the first few lines several times before they start to make sense. Dawn's getting impatient, so she starts to read over my shoulder.

"They're coming back." Her voice shows no pleasure in the fact. "Willow and Giles. Look, she's got to stay with him. I'm glad. I don't want her back in the house, Buffy."

I'm surprised. We've talked a lot about Willow, especially just afterwards, but I just assumed she would come back here. It never occurred to me that Dawn wouldn't want that."

"Why?" I ask, genuinely mystified.

"Because she nearly killed me once, then she tried to do it again!" 

"But that was just because of Tara."

"The first time wasn't. That happened because she was trying to show that Tara was wrong about her using too much magic. That was all Willow."

I realise she's right. I try to understand her point of view. "What about Spike? You're glad he's coming back, but he tried to kill me more than once."

"Yeah, Spike's different. Killing's what vampires do, but then he learned not to do it. Willow knew she was doing wrong, but it didn't stop her."

"It was only the chip, Dawn. That's what stopped Spike killing."

She looks at me with the "I don't believe I could possibly have a sister as dumb as you," look that she's perfected lately. "The chip only made him realise he didn't have to kill. If he turned up without it, he still wouldn't kill."

"You sound very sure."

"I am. He loves you, and he loves me. I think he even cared about Tara, and he always liked Anya. You don't start to get feelings like that for people you're going to eat."

I'm really not sure. I mean, she's got a point, and before he left, Spike could have killed me. I mean, the chip didn't work with me. He could have finished what he started upstairs, or at least tried to. He didn't. But what about other people? Without the chip, surely he'd go back to feeding on others. Even as I think that, I know I'm wrong. I'm spouting the world according to Xander, and I cringe inwardly when I realise it.

Dawn's still watching me. It's like she can read my thoughts, and it's making me uncomfortable. It's kinda like the way he always made me feel uncomfortable when he told me what was going on in my own head.

I pull myself together and go back to Giles' letter. They're due back in a little over a week, just after school starts. According to the letter, they're trying to get Willow back into school as soon as possible. 

I'm still looking at the letter when I hear Xander coming in. I grab Spike's, stuffing it into my pocket. I still don't know what to think about Spike coming back, but I do know I don't want to hear Xander's opinion on it. Not yet.

Xander launches into a tirade of nonsense, and unusually, Dawn escapes upstairs. She's rarely as obvious as that this early in the evening, so I suppose she's going upstairs to think about things. I really wish I could do the same thing.

There's a brittleness to Xander's light-hearted behaviour. There has been since I told him I'd met Anya. I considered not mentioning it, but the last thing he needs right now is to think I'm not there for him. I don't want to think of things as a 'him or her' situation, but I suspect that's how Xander sees things. The problem is, I can see both sides. I know how hurt Anya was by Xander leaving her at the altar, and I know how upset Xander was by Anya agreeing to relinquish her humanity. I know Xander's being stupid about that, but I can hardly blame him after my actions last year, now can I? And that's ignoring the whole Spike/Anya thing. I remember how hurt I was by that. It cut me deep, and I'm surprised how sad I feel even now. But I can't love Spike, can I?

I show him the letter from Giles. He brightens noticeably as he reads, genuinely glad at the prospect of having Willow back. He seems surprised Giles hadn't told him when he last phoned, but then realises he hasn't phoned in a week. He doesn't say so, but I know he means he hasn't phoned Giles since he's known Anya's in Sunnydale. I'll certainly be glad to have Giles back, but Dawn's attitude is going to make things difficult with Willow. I push that thought to the back of my mind as something to worry about later. I go to put some dinner together, and Xander heads upstairs to finish the decorating.

It's later, and I'm patrolling. Dinner was strained, and I was really glad to escape. Dawn's vehement tones informing us that she doesn't need a babysitter might have something to do with that, and my agreement to be back early persuaded Xander to go home. 

I no sooner get to the first cemetery on my route tonight when I know I'm not alone. It's the tingle that could only ever mean Spike. I look around, but don't spot him. Perhaps he thinks I can't sense him. 

I come across a couple of fledglings, and dispatch them easily. I know Spike's around, but he doesn't show himself. He's obviously decided to watch from the distance. I shrug, almost glad. I'm not ready to meet him yet, even though I know it's just cowardice.

An hour later and it's been quiet, when I hear something off in the shadows. I had been close to calling it a night, but I don't like unidentified sounds. Suddenly there's a huge demon in front of me. Behind it is the remains of something I assume is human. It seems to have been largely eaten, and it takes all my experience as a Slayer to stop my stomach from heaving. I've not seen a demon like this before. It's over eight feet tall, and I don't want to guess how heavy it is. It's green and scaly, and it's got horns and claws and a tail with vicious spikes. I suspect a stake won't make much impression on it, so I go for wearing it down with kicks and punches.

I no sooner start, than I know I'm no longer alone. There's a blonde haired, dark clad figure fighting alongside me, and for once, the thought that he's getting in my way seems anything but appropriate. We fight together, between us not giving the creature time to rest between attacks.

Time goes by, and I'm getting tired. I guess the summer's been too kind to me, and I've lost some of my fitness. Spike seems to be slowing too, but the demon is still attacking at what seems like full force. It's using its assets well, and I've already got a number of nasty gashes down my arms from its claws. Spike jumps to attack, giving me a second to think, and I decide to go around its back. No sooner have I done it, than I realise it's a mistake. That huge barbed tail swings at me, faster than I'd have thought possible. I'm desperate to get out of the way, but it's just too quick. I feel several sharp, stabbing pains as the barbed tail cuts into my flesh before darkness overtakes me.

I wake up slowly, pain everywhere. I try to open my eyes, but the light level in the room is too bright, so I close them quickly. I'm vaguely aware that someone is cleaning my wounds, being so gentle, yet the pain's still too much. I give way to the urge to simply not feel that pain any more.

I don't know how much later it is when I try to open my eyes again. The pain seems less severe now, and the light seems less bright. I can just make out Dawn's face close to mine, and it breaks into a smile as I look at her. She shouts that I'm waking, and someone approaches from behind. It's Spike. I close my eyes again, unwilling to meet his, but I hear Dawn's voice.

"She's awake, Spike. She'll be ok. Now, will you let me get you cleaned up?"

I don't hear the response, it's muffled, but it must be a negative, because Dawn continues.

"Spike, she's the Slayer. She'll be fine in no time. And you can't do it yourself. Looking at the way your shirt's ripped, and judging from the amount of blood on it, you've got a bad injury to your back. I don't believe you can bandage that yourself. And your face looks like you went ten rounds with Glory. Sit down and let me clean you up."

I'm amazed at my sister. Her tone brooks no argument, and I hear Spike muttering something under his breath about a bossy chit. It almost makes me smile. I try to sit up, but think better of it when a huge wave of pain engulfs me. It's only then that I realise that my worst injury is somewhere on my front. I don't remember that. I put a hand down gingerly, but find I've been bandaged. The bandage is damp, and I lift a finger to my eyes and open them slightly. I'm obviously still bleeding. I wonder how long it is since I've been injured.

The sounds from the other side of the room indicate that Spike suspects Dawn of being none too gentle. I try to peek at them, but find it difficult to focus more than a foot away. I give up the attempt, and try to relax into the comfortable surface I find myself on.

I think I must have slept or passed out again or something, because it seems that instantly, Dawn's hovering over me, calling my name. I open my eyes again, and I'm surprised at the concern on her face. I'm the Slayer, I've been injured more times than I can count. I've got super healing, so nothing keeps me down for long.

"What's up?" I manage to ask.

"Buffy, thank goodness. You've been out for so long, I was getting scared."

"How long?" I ask.

"Three hours, I think. It was just after midnight when I started to get Spike cleaned up, and it's half past three. Spike's gone out. He said he thought he knew what you needed, and went out to get some. He didn't say what."

I try to take in this information, but find it difficult to understand. I can't do the arithmetic, but I know I've been unconscious for a long time. I'm almost worried too, but Dawn's face fades from view.

I'm dreaming. At least, I think I'm dreaming. Whatever's going on, nothing seems entirely rational, so I assume - dream. I'm in a strange room. Someone's holding me up, making me sit up, but the pain's overpowering, and I just want to lie back down. Then, someone's putting a cup to my lips. The prospect of drinking anything is unwelcome, but I get a whiff of the liquid and force my eyes open to look at it. It's red and slightly viscous and my worst fear is confirmed. It's blood. Someone's trying to force me to drink blood. There are voices, and they're encouraging me to drink. The voices are familiar, and I'm trying to work out whose voices they are so I can get them to stop trying to feed me blood.

I realise one of them is Dawn, and she's begging me to drink. She's crying, I can see her face now, and I can see that I've spilled some of the blood on her T-shirt. Or, maybe it's mine. She's begging me to just drink it, and I think, well, it's just a dream. I take a sip. It's not nearly as bad as I expected, so I take another sip. This time, it's better, almost like it's just what my body's craving, so I take a longer drink. Dawn's encouraging me, telling me to finish it, so I do, listening to her voice, telling me I'll get better soon. When the cup is drained, I flop back on my pillow, and I suspect for the first time that I'm not dreaming. The thought is lost in the need to close my eyes and forget.

When I next open my eyes, I'm at home, in my own bed. On the chair next to the bed, Dawn is sleeping. I stir, and she's awake instantly. She smiles when she sees I'm awake, and asks, "How're you feeling?"

"Not sure," I reply, honestly. I do a mental check. Pain - yes, all over, but particularly around my stomach. Nausea - a little, but nothing too serious. Confusion - lots.

"What happened?" I ask.

"You don't remember?"

"Not sure. I remember some things, but I'm not sure whether or not I was dreaming."

"Ok, well, it was Monday night and you went out to patrol. Fortunately, we'd sent Xander home early, or there would have been big trouble. You were attacked - by a Vargas demon, Spike said."

"Spike?"

"Yeah, he saved your life. Well, anyway, the Vargas knocked you out, perforated you good too, then it decided to try some Slayer meat. That's when you got the injury to your front. Spike managed to kill it while it was concentrating on eating you. He's not very clear on what he did. He took you to his flat, and called me. He got Clem to bring me to his new place, and it's really cool, you know?"

"So, what else?" I ask, trying to get her back to the point. I'm starting to think I haven't been dreaming at all.

"Well, it's Tuesday, late afternoon. You've been unconscious most of the time. Most of your injuries are already healing, but the big one, it just kept bleeding. Spike did some research - he's got this really cool laptop, and he went online to find out about Vargas demons. Anyway, it turns out their saliva's got something in it to make sure it's victims' blood doesn't clot, so they just bleed to death. It also looked like you were getting some sort of infection in the wound. Spike said he knew what might help, and went out. It took him a couple of hours to track down some blood in the middle of the night, but he brought it back, …"

I know what's coming. "And you made me drink it?"

She nods. "And it stopped the bleeding almost right away. You've still been out of it for a long time, but, a couple of hours ago, we decided you were well enough for us to bring you home. We put you in the back of Spike's car, and he carried you upstairs."

It's all too much. I know there's something very odd about what she's just said, but it's too much effort to think about it. I can feel my eyes closing again. As I do so, she adds, "I called into work for you, so they're not expecting you tomorrow. Spike went home. He thought you wouldn't want him to still be here when you woke up. I told him to stay, but he wouldn't listen. He said to call if you need anything."

I drift off to sleep, her words still filtering into my brain after I know I must already be asleep. The voice fades to silence, and everything is quiet.


	9. Chapter 9 Recriminations Part 1

****

Chapter 9 - Recriminations

I get back to my flat and fall down on the sofa. I'm exhausted, and it's got very little to do with the fact that I haven't slept for over a day. My clothes are filthy and blood stained, and I know I need a shower, but I simply have no energy. 

I nearly lost her again. I thought I had. When I checked the data on Vargas demons, I nearly lost hope. A bite from one of those beasts is invariably fatal. For a human, and most other demons, death would occur within a couple of hours from a combination of blood loss and infection. There's even a suspicion that there's some sort of toxin in the saliva, but no one's ever survived an attack before, and there's just no data. I was so beside myself with worry about her that I almost didn't remember what the glowing child had told me. She needed blood. In the end, I know that was the only thing that saved her. 

I have absolutely no idea how I killed the Vargas. I just remember her falling down, unconscious, and then that thing trying to take a bite. I assume I went mad in some way, the idea that something like that could think of eating my Slayer caused something in me to break. The next thing I knew, I was lying underneath the Vargas, and I'd managed to break its neck. 

I squirmed from under its body, and ran to Buffy. I thought I was too late at first. She was hardly breathing. I picked her up and ran to my flat as fast as I could. It was the closest place I could think of. I considered taking her to hospital, but something told me they wouldn't be able to help her.

I did my best to clean up her wounds, but I just couldn't stop the bleeding. I called Dawn so she knew what was happening, and got Clem to bring her over. He was surprised to hear from me, but he's a good mate. He knew not to ask questions. 

Buffy seemed to improve a bit once she'd been cleaned up, but the bite was still bleeding. Then her temperature started to go up, and I knew she was in trouble. I think that bit got to Dawn too. That was when I started to find out what I could about the Vargas demon. I really didn't like what I discovered. Somehow, I remembered about the blood. I went out. Didn't like leaving Dawn like that, but I didn't know what else to do. I mean, Clem's a good mate, but not exactly your knight in shining armour. I suppose I could've called Xander, but he'd have wanted to move her right away, and I couldn't let him do that. And Dawn didn't want him either.

It took me longer than I thought. I wanted human blood, and Willy was out of it. I had to do a round of various establishments around Sunnydale before I got hold of a couple of pints of it. 

I thought it'd take a while to persuade Dawn that Buffy needed to drink the stuff. When she saw what I had brought back, I think she thought it was for me. For some reason, the chit just trusts me. I explained what I had been told, and she agreed. Just like that. 

Buffy was delirious by then, and she didn't want to drink. But then, if she hadn't been delirious, she still wouldn't have wanted to drink, and there would have been no way we could have forced it.

Within half an hour of her drinking the blood, Buffy was noticeably better. Her temperature was pretty much back to normal, the bleeding had stopped, and she was sleeping deeply. Once we were sure she was really getting better, Dawn and I got her back to her own bed. It just seemed the simplest thing to do. I mean, according to Dawn, Xander would be arriving later, and he'd be worried if the house was empty. Then there was the basic fear of seeing her, or more exactly, of her seeing me. I just couldn't bear to see that look of hate on her face. So, I took her home. There was a time when I'd have killed anyone who suggested I was afraid. But this is one fear I'll admit to anyone.

I prise myself out of the chair and go upstairs to shower. I spend a long time under the spray, allowing it to wash away not only the dirt, but the feeling of helplessness I felt when I thought I was losing her again.

When I'm clean and dressed, I call. I'm ready to hang up if Xander answers, but I hear Dawn's voice.

"How is she?" I ask.

"Better," she answers, her voice much less tense than the last time I spoke to her. "She woke up a while ago, and she talked a bit. She was a bit vague about what happened, but I think she'll be ok."

I hear a voice in the background, and I know whose it is.

"Dawn, is that him? Give it to me."

Dawn hurriedly says goodbye, and hangs up. I can just imagine Xander's reaction to my being back, and I know I deserve it. It's just that I don't want to hear it from him. 

I go to the kitchen, and find myself some beer. I wish I'd bought something stronger. I take it back to the lounge, and start to drink.

I must have fallen asleep. I wake up later, maybe not much later, shaking as a result of the dream I'd been having. It was last night again, but this time, after I killed the Vargas, I finished off what he'd started. I drank her blood, feeling the potent Slayer blood filling my veins, healing my own injuries instantly. I held her in my arms as I drained her, as I felt her heart slow, then stop. In the dream, I walked away from her ravaged body, uncaring that I'd killed her, that my demon had finally won the battle.

I sit there, on my sofa, my body shaking, and sobs racking me. I feel the urge to just get out of her life. I hate what I've done, to her and to others. I hate what I'm capable of doing. I may not need blood to survive any more, but I know that blood will give me something human food simply can't. The urge to feed is still there. The chip turned to dust with my other body, and there's nothing to stop me from killing. Nothing but me. And her blood would be special. I know it would be better than anything else I could have. I feel the demon within me urging me to take the chance, to taste the nectar that runs in her veins. I'm filled with self-loathing, as I struggle to repress those feelings. 

If Buffy's like me, how is it she can keep her demon under control? I know, she doesn't have the history of feeding, she doesn't know the high that comes with draining someone's lifeblood. Last year, when we were shagging, I tried to make her see that she belonged in the dark with me. She was like me then, but she kept it under control, managed to walk away from me, even though I know she wanted me. 

How can she be so strong when I'm so weak? I laugh mirthlessly at the question. Answer's simple. Because she's Buffy, she's strong, and she loves with her whole self. She's good. I mean, she can do things that aren't good, but that isn't her. I'm not like her. I'm evil. Deep down, I'm evil, a waste of space. I don't deserve her, and I don't deserve Dawn. 

I remember how she hugged me when it was obvious Buffy had turned the corner. It felt so good. Human contact, an innocent young girl putting her arms around me, holding me close, thanking me for helping her sister. When I think how easily I could have changed that act, made it something nasty and evil, I'm sobbing again. 

I feel like I'm lost. I'm stuck here in Sunnydale, put here by a glowing child who doesn't know me, doesn't know what I'm capable of. She can't. She wants me here to keep Dawn safe, but I'm the one most likely to harm her. I wish death was as easy as a walk in the sunshine now. If it were, I'd be going for a walk right about now. 


	10. Chapter 10 Recriminations Part 2

****

Chapter 10 - Recriminations Part 2

"Xander, just stop!" I'm shouting at him. He's got this look of total disbelief on his face, and I really want to hit him.

"Why didn't you let me talk to him? He needs to know to stay away from both of you. Tell me where he is, and I'll make sure he never bothers either of you again."

"If it hadn't been for Spike tonight, Buffy would be dead! Is that what you want?"

"And I'll bet, if it hadn't been for Spike tonight, Buffy wouldn't have been hurt. How do you know he didn't do that? Or that he didn't get one of his demon friends to do it?"

"He just didn't, ok? You can ask Buffy when she's better, but if all you're going to do is complain about Spike, then maybe you'd better just go."

His expression changes from one of anger to one of bewilderment and hurt.

"How can you take his side in this? Remember what he tried to do before he left? You can't forgive him for that. Buffy never will."

"She has, or at least, she says there's as much for him to forgive as there is for her."

He obviously doesn't believe me.

"Look, Dawn, I know you think Spike was your friend, but he showed otherwise. He tried to rape Buffy. Maybe when you're older you'll understand just how low that makes him. But you've got to know that you can never trust him again."

I know I'm shaking my head, but I'm also having problems making my voice work. He thinks I'm just a child, that I can't understand why rape is so wrong. Somehow I find my voice.

"You've never asked Buffy about that, have you? Do you know why it happened?"

"It happened because Buffy wouldn't have him any more. He wanted more of what he was getting before. He wanted to hurt her. There's nothing to understand."

"You haven't got a clue. If you knew how things were between them, you'd know why it happened. It wasn't right, but it was understandable. He was trying to make her admit to loving him. Maybe not the best way to go about it, but the last thing he wanted to do was hurt her. Unlike Buffy. She'd hurt him again and again, and he just took it. Even when he knew he could hurt her, he didn't."

"Dawn, he's a demon! He can't feel hurt. He can't feel love. It doesn't matter what happened to him, only what he tried to do to Buffy, and I'm going to make sure he never touches her again, so tell me where he is."

I shake my head. He moves closer to me, trying to put a hand on my shoulder. I flinch, not sure what he's going to do. Xander's been around what seems like my whole life, and I've never thought of being afraid of him before. He drops his hand and looks at me.

"I wouldn't hurt you, Dawn. How could you think I would? I'm not Spike."

"Maybe that's why," I answer, and I immediately regret it. He's so hurt, but it's just that he's so angry.

"Look, Xander, I know you wouldn't hurt me, well, not on purpose anyway. But, if you hurt Spike, it'll hurt me, and Buffy too. Leave him alone."

I walk away from him and go to check on Buffy. She's sleeping, and I sit beside her and hold her hand. I hear the front door slamming, and I know he's gone. He's so stubborn. He'll never believe any good about Spike. 

I want to call Spike again. He's different. I mean, he went outside in daylight, and he told me he'd explain later. He felt warm, but when I asked him if he was human, he said he wasn't. That he'd explain later if I still wanted to know. I to hugged him. It's just so good to have him back. He still loves her, but he thinks she'll never forgive him. I didn't get the chance to tell him that she's spent the summer regretting what she did too. Later, I'll tell him later.

*-*-*

I hear the door slam behind me. I stand there for a few seconds, trying to pull myself together. Why can't Dawn understand? She's young, and she's trusting, but how can she trust Spike? After what he tried to do?

I shudder as I remember the look on her face when I tried to put a hand on her shoulder. It looked like she was afraid of me. Afraid of me! Yet she trusts … him. I think about that, and my temper rises again. She was talking to him. On the phone. I wonder if there's a record of the last call. I open the door quietly. There's no sound, and I creep inside. I feel guilty doing this, sneaking around like this, but it's for their own good. I walk to the phone, and check the number. Yes, it's there. I make a note of it and creep outside again. 

If only Willow were here. She'd know how to get an address out of a phone number. I just hope it isn't a mobile. Then again, a mobile with a name would be helpful too. I remember someone at work. He's an odd sort, but I heard him boasting to the others that he could find out anything on the net. I wonder if he could get me the information I need. I head home and make a call.

"Course I can get it," he tells me. It doesn't look like a mobile number, just a regular local one. "I'll get back to you in a couple of hours. Then you can buy me a drink after work tomorrow."

"Sure," I promise him. I think that I'll do better than buy him a drink if he can get me an address that will let me put an end to Spike at last. 

Good as his word, he calls later and gives me the address. Says the name is William Prescott. I smile to myself. I arm myself with some stakes, and a cross bow I've been keeping here for my own protection. I think about how Buffy will approve of what I'm going to do for her. It's the one chance I've got to prove to her that she needs me. She still needs me. I'm one of the Scoobies - the only one left with Tara dead and Willow and Giles gone. Giles will approve, too. 

I arrive at the address, double check the number and go and knock at the door. I consider kicking it down, but there's always the possibility that there's been a mistake, so I take it cautiously. I wait a while, and there's no reply. I start to think about heading back to my car to watch the place, when the door opens. It's him.

For a second I'm frozen by the knowledge that I'm about to get one of my dearest wishes. Then, I decide to make the most of my opportunity. It won't be nearly so much fun if he doesn't know it's coming, if he doesn't know how much Buffy will approve of what I'm doing. "Going to invite me in, then?"

I ask. 

He doesn't speak, just steps aside to let me in. He looks different. I'm not sure what it is, exactly. Maybe there's less of that cocky self confidence about him. It doesn't matter. He's still an evil soulless monster who's going to die for what he's done to Buffy.

He turns his back on me as he walks into the lounge. I can't believe he'd be so stupid as to turn his back on me. I mean, he knows I hate him. I hope he knows that I know about what happened before he left. I'm curious, so I follow him. He leads me into a lounge. It's furnished, but somehow bare. After his crypt with all its candles, this just doesn't seem like Spike. 

"What do you want, Whelp?" he asks, turning to face me.

"What do you think, Spike? I've come to give you what you deserve."

I pull a stake from my pocket, and to my surprise he grins. It's not a happy grin.

"And what are you going to do with that?" he asks.

"I'm going to turn you into a pile of dust. I'm going to take you out of their lives, once and for all. Did you really think you could just come back like nothing had happened. You've worn out your welcome with the Summers family. Buffy's going to be so relieved when I tell her you've taken up residence in the vacuum cleaner."

He shakes his head. "Wish it was that easy," he mutters, and I don't understand. But that doesn't matter. I've got a job to do, and I thrust the stake towards his heart.

Lightning fast, his hand whips out and stops me. He twists my wrist, hurting me until I drop the stake. I look at him as comprehension dawns. The chip. It's gone.

"The penny drops," he snarks. "Spike's new and improved."

I know my chin has dropped to my chest, and I try to cover.

I try to hit him, but again he's too fast. I'm surprised. He's blocking me, and he's not being too gentle about it, but he's not actually trying to hurt me. I bolt for the door, deciding to even the odds a little. I left the cross bow in the car, deciding to take the pleasure of staking him up close and personal. Time for plan B.

I run for the car, retrieving the bow out of the trunk. I run back, surprised he hasn't made any attempt to close the door, and I go inside. He hasn't moved at all. He's still standing where I left him, his face a picture of anguish. Good, I think. He knows what's going to happen, and he's not liking it at all. I aim the bow, and let it fly.

Bullseye. I got his heart, I'm sure I did. I stand and watch, waiting to see him explode into dust. Funny, it doesn't normally seem to take this long. His hands go to the bolt lodged in his chest, and I see blood seeping out from around the wound. I've staked a fair few vampires in my time, and I've never seen one bleed. He should be dust by now. He should be. 

Spike pulls the bolt from his chest, grunting with pain and effort. He walks past me as I stand stupefied in his hallway, and goes to a cupboard and pulls out a towel. He uses it to hold against his wound which is bleeding heavily. It almost looks like he's got circulation. 

He seems to crumple then. Somehow, as if in slow motion, his legs bend, and he falls to the floor. I'm scared. This isn't how I pictured things at all. It's as if he's …. Human. I've never killed a human - at least, not on purpose. My hands are shaking. I walk to him, half expecting a trick. Either that or expecting him to turn into dust.

He seems to be breathing. It's a laboured breathing. Like every one is a major effort. I lean closer, and he's whispering something to me.

"Bloody hell, either finish the job, or help me get to bed."

I don't know which to do, but in those circumstances, I do what Xander always does. I decide to do what can be undone later. I help him to his feet and let him point towards the direction of his bed.

The bed is covered with a blood-stained sheet. I realise absently that it must be Buffy's blood. I lay him down, and stand, unsure what to do. Spike seems happy to just lie there, although he's obviously in a lot of pain. I spot the sunshine on his body, and stare at it stupidly for a while. I know I already had a hint, with the total lack of dustiness and everything, but somehow that sight makes it clearer. Whatever's happened to him, he's not a vampire any more. 

I look around the room and spot a box with bandages and such lying on the other side from the bed. I think absently that it must be left over from tending Buffy's injuries. I pull it over beside the bed, and sit down to look at the damage. 

Spike looks at me as I approach. "What're you doing Harris? Just get the hell out of here if you're not going to finish me."

I ignore him and start to rip his T-shirt so I can see the damage. His hand grips mine before I can get any further, his grip surprisingly strong.

"I said get out." 

"No," I reply. "I don't know what's happened to you, but I don't kill humans. So, I'm going to out this right."

"I'm not a soddin' human!" he growls, but his voice is losing power.

"You can tell me that later," I answer. "For now, let me sort you out."

He seems to drift away at that. Not that he's unconscious, it's just as if he's no longer in residence. I almost smile at the idea that my helping him is probably hurting him more than my trying to kill him. Surprisingly, the thought isn't entirely happy.

Once his T-shirt is out of the way, I can see the injury. It's deep, but it doesn't seem to be bleeding too much now. As I'm cleaning it, I wonder about the strapping that is covering his stomach and shoulder. When his chest wound is bandaged, I turn him over. I'm surprised he doesn't stop me, but he just lies there, letting me do what I want. 

His back's been heavily bandaged. What I saw on the front is only the tip of the iceberg. His face was a mess when I arrived. I didn't stop to think about it then, I mean, it was just Spike, wasn't it?

I start to realise that either what Dawn said was true, and he really did almost get himself killed trying to save Buffy, or it's all a story and he's half killed himself in the interests of authenticity. I have to admit, even for Spike, that the second possibility seems unlikely.

I roll him back over, and he's still staring ahead, blankly. "Anything else I can do?" I ask him.

His eyes focus on me, and I'm not sure what I'm seeing. If I didn't know better, I'd think it was self-loathing.

"Just go away, Harris. You did your duty, helped the poor, injured monster. Just leave me alone."

I nod, realising I've done what I can. I leave and go to my car, shutting the door to the flat behind me. Once I'm in the car, I consider what to do. Should I call Dawn, get her to come and check on him? No, I decide. It doesn't matter what he is, human or not, he still tried to rape Buffy. Sooner or later, they'll realise he's evil, and send him packing. 

I drive home, checking the streets as I drive. It's been like this since Buffy told me she met Anya. I scan the streets for any sign of her. I know she and Buffy had words, that something was said, but Buffy wouldn't tell me what it was about. I thought at first, Buffy had told Anya to get out, to leave me alone. I thought maybe she'd have done for me what I've always tried to do for her. To look after her, to protect her from demons. Now, I'm not so sure. I feel like my whole life just doesn't make sense any more.

My best friend, a human with a soul, tried to end the world.

A demon tried to rape my other closest friend, and her sister trusts him, and acts like she's afraid of me.

I try to finish the vampire, try to make them safe, and it looks like he's human.

The woman I love chose to become a demon. She chose to become something I can only hate. 

I come to the conclusion I'm totally screwed up. My life's a mess, and I don't know what to do about it. Maybe I should just shut myself away for a while. I just don't know what else I can do. I start to laugh, and I know it's not happy, not healthy. I keep driving, not heading home, just driving, without any idea of where I should go. I need to get away. I need to go to where I can understand, where humans don't care about demons. Where vampires turn to dust when they're staked. Where teenage girls don't flinch when I try to touch them.


	11. Chapter 11 A Visit and a Visitor

__

I've been asked by a couple of readers to email them when I update. I' plan to do it on the basis of a single list, and I'll send out a note whenever I update one of my current stories. If you're interested in being on the list, email me at cryptic6464@yahoo.co.uk_ . _

This story is now being posted at Buffy/Spike Central, and I'll aim to update there immediately I've updated at FF.Net. (I have had problems with that site timing out on me, so it may not work as I plan.) On BSC, I'm using the pen name Josephine, because I haven't been able to get the system there to take a longer name.

Many thanks to all of you have left reviews or emailed me with comments. It makes all the typing seem worthwhile!

**** __ ****

Chapter 11 - A Visit and a Visitor

I waken slowly. I'm in pain, but it's bearable. I pull myself up to a sitting position and note that I'm in my own bed. I shake my head a little. I expected to be somewhere else, I think. Not sure.

I throw my legs over the side of the bed, and manage to stand up. I note with some surprise that I'm wearing a T-shirt. Royal blue. I know for a fact that I don't own one like it. If it were black, I'd think it was Spike's.

Slowly it's coming back to me. He was there, when I was attacked. That part was real. I flit through my other recent memories, trying to work out if they were real or not. 

He was there. Or at least, I was there. I mean, not here. Spike was looking after me. Dawn was there too. Dawn. I wonder where she is. I get up and go to the door.

She must have been close by, because by the time I open the door, she's there. She looks pleased, then the smile disappears as she tells me to get back to bed.

"You shouldn't be up yet."

"Ok," I agree, realising I'm too tired to argue. "I'll go back to bed on one condition. You've got to tell me what happened. I seem to remember some things that don't make sense."

She agrees, and I climb back into bed. Dawn fusses, plumping up some pillows to put behind me, then sits down.

"Start with what day it is," I tell her.

"Ok, it's Wednesday," she replies, matter of factly.

"And, I got injured on …. "

"Monday."

She continues with the basics, and I vaguely remember her telling me much of this before. She gets to the point where Spike carried me to his car.

"Wait a minute," I ask. "It must have been daylight then. How could Spike carry me to his car?"

"Don't know. He said he's different, but there wasn't time to tell me the whole thing. He promised to tell me later."

"Is he human?" I ask, my breath almost stopping. I dread the answer. After what Anya told me, that I'm a demon, the possibility that he's human is just too much. It's almost exactly what I deserve after what I did, what I said to him.

"He said he wasn't. He didn't say what he was, though. Again with the promise of later. And, we were both so worried about you that later seemed good."

"And he fed me blood."

"Yeah. Believe me, it was, well, eugh. But, you were so ill. I've never known you to have a fever, and you were so hot. We both thought you were going to die, then he said you needed something, and brought some blood."

"I remember. I thought it was a dream, or I'd never have drunk it. Was it just blood or did he put anything in it?"

"Just blood, I think. We were so scared, I don't think there was time to think about adding anything. Why?"

"Just, it didn't taste too bad. Somehow, it seemed ok. Like the way it feels when you're tired and you overdose on sugar, you know?"

She nodded and I try to think some more.

"So, it was, what, yesterday when I came back here. What happened then?"

"Well, Xander came round. He was really not pleased when I told him that Spike had saved you. Then Spike called, to see how you were doing, and Xander heard me talking to him. And he got mad, and I got madder. He left, and hasn't been back."

"What about Spike? Has he been back?"

"No," she replied, and her face made it obvious that she was surprised. "He hasn't called, either."

"Was he ok? I mean, was he injured?"

"He was pretty badly cut up, but it seemed to be healing."

The same thought hits us both at the same time. Dawn is the one who speaks. "What if he got some of that demon saliva on him, but it didn't react right away?"

I pull myself out of bed, and start to get dressed. This time, Dawn doesn't argue.

"Go and see if you can get us a cab," I tell her. There's a number by the phone. Do you know the address?"

"I can do better than that," she replies. "I'll call Clem. He promised to help if he could, and he's got transport."

Fifteen minutes later, we're on our way. I can hardly believe how quickly Clem arrived. It was like he was waiting for our call. He stops outside, but doesn't want to come in.

"You're his friend," I remind him. "More of a friend than I've ever been."

He shakes his head. "He won't want me around if you're there." 

"Dawn's coming in too," I remind him. "And, if there's something wrong, we might need you."

Somehow, this does the trick. He nods, and we approach the door. Knocking gets no response, so I try the door. It's unlocked, and I walk in cautiously. Dawn looks at me worriedly as I flinch, and I throw her a reassuring smile. I've been the Slayer long enough to know there's nothing wrong with me a couple of days won't completely cure.

We haven't gone very far in when we see it. Blood. I start at the sight of it, and Dawn says, "It could be yours, you were bleeding a lot."

I can tell she's trying to reassure herself. We follow the bloodstains to a room down the hallway. I'm in the lead, with Dawn behind me, and a very nervous Clem at the back. I look at the bed, and there he is. He opens his eyes, and immediately closes them. I see his chest rise as he takes a deep breath.

"Niblet, what've you brought her here for? She should be in bed."

I've reached the bed now, and I can see he's been bandaged. The bandage is dry, so I know it's not still bleeding. Dawn reaches the bed, and takes a look.

"What happened?" she demands. "You didn't have anything there. Who did that?"

She's pointing to the bandages on his chest, just over his heart. My breath catches in my throat as I realise. Someone tried to stake him. Dawn comes to the same conclusion, and goes a stage further.

"It was Xander, wasn't it? He tried to stake you. But how did he know where to find you?"

Spike's eyes open again, and I can see the pain in them.

"Anything we can do?" I ask.

He pulls himself up, wincing a little, but with remarkable ease considering the way he looks.

"I'll be fine," he tells me. He looks away, he can't meet my eyes. I know just how he feels.

"Look, Buffy,…" he starts. His eyes are sparkling, and I see they're filling up. It's only then I realise mine are too. 

"Don't say it," I tell him. "We'll talk, but not today. When we're both …. Better. It was Xander, wasn't it? I don't know how I know, but I do."

He knows that I know, so he doesn't deny it. "He had every right. Stupid git just didn't finish it. When I didn't turn into dust, he lost it. Ran scared. Even bandaged me up. I hurt you…."

I don't let him finish. It seems like I've been here before. Looking at his bruised and bloody face, I remember another time so clearly. That night in the alley. The night I took out all my fears on him. Hitting him while he just absorbed everything I gave him. I left him there, not caring whether he was able to get to shelter before sunrise. A definite low point in my life. I remember another time. In so many ways, a happier time. I close the remaining distance between us, and plant a chaste kiss on his lips. Even his reaction is the same as that first kiss that wasn't magically induced. There's none of the recent Spike here. He'd have turned the kiss from innocence to passion in a moment. This Spike just takes it, and the look on his face as I step back is just like the other time I remember. After Glory. His face just looks astonished. Awe-struck.

I turn to Clem. "I think I'm upsetting him, and he doesn't need that. We've both got new jobs starting in a few days, and we've got a lot of healing to do. Can you make sure he's ok? That he's got what he needs? If there's anything we can do, just ask."

Clem agrees, as I knew he would. I turn back to Spike.

"We'll talk, Spike, if you want to. As soon as you're better, or whenever you want. I'll …. I'll understand if you don't want to. I mean, … I'm sorry too."

I take Dawn's arm in mine, and we leave. We're going to have to walk or get a cab home, but I don't care. He doesn't need me around right now. I'm the last person he needs, and it hurts to realise that. He's not just hurting physically, there's so much more than that, and I know it's my fault. I wish I could just put it right, but I know I can't. It'll take time, and it'll only happen if he lets me in. I'm not sure he ever will, not now.

I consider calling Xander when we get back, but I'm just too tired. And I'm not sure what I can say to him anyway. I'm angry. I know he thought he was doing the right thing, but he's so blind where Spike's concerned, there's no way I could change his mind.

I head back to bed instead, dreading Xander's arrival later. I need sleep, peaceful sleep.

Fat chance. Hours later, and all I've managed are fitful dozes. Every time I close my eyes, I see him, see that look on his face. He's broken, and I did it. I'm angry with Xander for trying to kill him, but what I did was so much worse. I ruined him from the inside out. I took away everything he was, told him it was worthless. Whatever's happened to him, whatever's changed, it hasn't healed the damage I did. I doubt anything could. 

Dawn comes up a while later, bringing some soup for me. She's trying so hard. I suspect she's actually enjoying this stint of being in charge, of looking after me. I sit up carefully, and sip the soup slowly. It's tomato flavour, and it looks eerily familiar. I find the idea that it could be blood remarkably un-repulsive. I put that down to simple hunger.

"Xander's late," Dawn tells me.

"Is he?" I ask, checking the clock. She's right. He's normally here by now. I must have slept in the end, it's later than I thought.

"Maybe I should call him," I think aloud.

"No," Dawn is adamant. "Let him stew a while. He'll be so much easier to terrify if he's been thinking about a run in with a Slayer for a day or two."

I smile at Dawn's summation of Xander's character. I wonder at the changes I've seen in her relationship with him. It's almost like she's outgrown him. I consider my sister for a few moments, and realise that's the most likely reason. Suddenly, in comparison to the young woman sitting beside me, Xander seems impossibly immature.

The doorbell rings, and Dawn jumps up.

"Talk of the devil," she quips, "Still, at least he knows he's not welcome enough to just walk in."

She goes downstairs. I'm almost sorry for Xander. I know what it's like being on the receiving end of Dawn's abrasive temper. And she's mad at him. She's been holding it in for my sake, but she's mad.

I'm surprised when I don't hear shouting. Next I hear footsteps approaching, and Dawn pokes her head around the door.

"Feel up to a visitor?"

She must see the expression on my face, so she adds, "No, it's not Xander, it's Anya."

Oh. Another person I need to apologise to. Not that I'm going to apologise to Xander, the other person is Spike. I nod towards Dawn, and she stands back to let Anya come in.

"Dawn said you were injured. I'm thinking it must've been a bad one to have you staying in bed."

"Moderately bad," I reply. "Anya, I'm…"

"Shhhh," she replies. "I scared you and you ran. It's rather complimentary after all. Not many demons get the chance to say they scared the Slayer."

I can feel myself flush with embarrassment. Graciousness isn't something I connect with Anya. She sits down beside the bed, and starts to talk. "I heard something about a Vargas. Asked around the demon community, and heard you'd been hurt. I also heard the Vargas is dead, and I came to congratulate you. I've never heard of one of those actually being killed. I mean, they die young, only live a few months. They're fascinating really. They hatch out of these huge eggs, grow quickly, mate and die of old age within six months. Not popular with the other demons, either. I mean, they're not fussy what sort of flesh they feed on. Anything that moves is fine by them. So, you've gained yourself a few points in the demon world. You'd earn even more if you were sure there wasn't a brood due to hatch soon."

Her words had come so fast, that I haven't had time to interrupt. While she pauses for breath, I take my chance.

"I didn't kill it."

She looks at me in surprise. "Then who?"

"Spike."

Wow, her turn to be surprised. "I thought, …" she starts.

"What?" 

"It must have been wrong. I heard something, a rumour. It said Spike went to try and get a soul. He did it, too. He passed the trials, but when the soul was put into his body, he went 'poof', you know, turned all dusty. It was the talk of the demon bars for a day or two. I mean, demons who go looking for souls are rare. Those who actually pass the trials, they're, well, once every few years. There's never been a case like this. Except, it's obviously not true. Demon equivalent of the urban legend, I suppose. Are you sure you've seen Spike? I mean, the fever cause by a Vargas bite is bound to make you delirious."

"Dawn saw him too," I managed to squeeze in. I want to ask more questions, but she doesn't give me a chance.

"Oh, good. Well, I think it's good. I mean, …"

She stops, and I hope she's realising I was trying to speak.

"Wait, Anya. Stop. You said Spike went to get a soul?"

"Yeah. I didn't tell you before, because I thought he was gone, and I didn't see the point in upsetting you unnecessarily."

She carries on prattling, but I don't hear. I can't make sense of most of what she's told me, but that one fact has got me in a stranglehold. Spike went to get a soul. After everything he told me about Angel, how he hated what the soul did to him, how he was so broody, how he, Spike would never allow something like that to be done to him, he actually went to try to get a soul.

"Why?" I ask, and Anya stops her constant talking to register what I said.

"Why what?"

"Why did he want to get a soul?"

She looks like she's been taking lessons from Dawn. It's almost a perfect copy of her 'How stupid can you get?' look.

"Because he loves you. Because you couldn't love an evil, soulless demon. Because you could love Angel with his soul, even though without it, he couldn't care for you. Because he wants you to love him."

She's right, I know she is. I know he loved me, but to do that, to risk his life for the **chance** to make me love him, it's so stupid. And so Spike. He doesn't do anything half-measure. Anya is watching me, and I'd swear she could see the realisation hitting me.

"So, have you seen Xander?" The question sounds like it's been forced into the wrong conversation. I realise that it's the reason she's here. I mean, I'm sure she wanted to see how I was and all that, but, deep down, she wants to know about Xander.

"The day I got hurt, and the next day," I answer truthfully. At the thought of him, I remember what he tried to do. "He tried to dust Spike when he heard he was back. Dawn and he had a fight about Spike being here, and he left."

Anya's face paled at this news. "And?"

"Well, Spike's not a vampire any more. The wound bled, and it left him weak, but he's still with us. Clem's looking after him."

"Did you hurt him?"

Anya's face flickers as she says this, almost as if the vengeance demon part of her is trying to take over. I realise she still loves Xander. Despite everything he said, everything he's done, she loves him.

"No, I haven't seen him. I only found out about it earlier today, and Dawn and I went over."

"It's just, I wanted to see him. I went by his flat, but he wasn't there. He's not at work, he's not home, I thought he might be here."

"Would be, normally. He never came today. I assume he doesn't want to face me over what he did to Spike."

"Ok," she replies. "Look, if you hear from him, let me know? Please."

She hands me a card with her phone number on it.

"I don't know," I tell her. "I'm not sure Xander'd want to see you."

"Please," she almost begs, and I nod my head reluctantly.

"I've gotta go," she tells me, getting up from the bed. "I'll keep in touch."

With that, she disappeared in a minor flash of light. Teleportation's a really useful skill, I decide. And it must save a fortune in gas. 


	12. Chapter 12 Back To School

****

Chapter 12 - Back to School

D-Day. Or should that be S-Day? As in S for school, or S for Spike. I dress carefully, conscious that the first impression I give should be of responsibility. Or something. I'm more nervous than I'd have thought. And it's not all to do with having a new job.

There's Spike, of course, and I feel butterflies in my stomach every time I think about seeing him again. Well, maybe butterflies isn't the best word. That implies seeing him is something to be looked for. It is, and yet it's also something I dread.

I've spoken to Clem a couple of times, and he's told me Spike's fine. I even sensed him with me as I patrolled for the first time last night. I didn't see him, but he was there. Fortunately I didn't meet anything that made it worth him showing himself. Still, it felt good, knowing he was there. Comforting. I didn't know how much I missed that until he came back. 

Then there's Xander. No one's seen anything of him since the incident with Spike. He hasn't phoned into work, and he hasn't been home. The police don't want to know. He's an adult, and I'm not his wife, and he's entitled to go off if he wants. I was worried enough to call Anya and tell her. She has got the advantage of being able to teleport, after all. I mean, she gets an idea of where he might have been, and … she's there! 

Willow's due back tomorrow. That's another interesting happening. I mean, I'm really looking forward to seeing her and Giles, but Dawn's no warmer at the prospect of seeing Willow than she was. It's going to be difficult. I hope Xander'll come back to see Willow. He knows she's due back. 

I pull myself out of my thoughts with a wrench. Downstairs, I start to put breakfast together, and think about lunch for Dawn. I'm trying to persuade her to eat in the canteen, but no luck so far. She wants to 'check it out' first. I suppose she means she wants to see who else eats there before she commits herself to anything uncool. Was I as bad as that? Probably. How did Mom cope with me?

Fortunately, it's a short walk to school. We set off together, and I'm wondering how long that'll go on. How long it'll be before walking to school with a member of staff will be considered 'uncool'.

She's not saying a lot. I mean, it's a big deal. New school, new teachers, new kids. I do remember. I think about my first day at Sunnydale High School. I met Xander. And Willow. That pulls my mind back to wondering where he's gone, how she's coping, and I try to block those thoughts. It's not that I don't care, it's just that I've got too much that I care about. Sometimes, I just need to tune some of it out.

I leave Dawn with some friends, and go inside to the main office. There I'm met by the Principal's secretary who escorts me into a room where a number of other people are waiting.

"The Principal wants to talk to all of you, before you begin your duties. He covered teaching staff earlier."

As soon as I walk in, I know he's there. I sit in a free chair, and scan the room for him. He's opposite me, and keeping his eyes on his knees. It's the first real chance I've had to see him. I mean, first I was delirious, then he was injured. He does look different. His hair's longer, his curls more obvious than they ever were. He's stopped bleaching it, and it's an interesting mixture of white-blonde and mid brown. He looks …. Good. I'm responding to his presence on so many levels, it's hard to sort out the details.

He's still tickling my Slayer sense. That strange buzz he's always caused. I'm surprised, because he's obviously not a vampire any more. Apparently still a demon, though, so, maybe not so surprising. 

I'm looking for lingering signs of his injury. In that respect, I'm feeling concern, like for a friend. I smile to myself at the fact that I've just used the word 'friend' in connection with Spike. It's a new connection, and I find I like it. Except, friendship goes both ways, and I've lost his.

As always, I'm responding to him as a lover. Even like this, in a room full of other people, with him sitting as far from me as it's possible to be, I feel the familiar pull, the familiar wanting. But, that's the last thing I need right now. I've done the whole 'using him for sex' thing, and I'm not proud of it.

I'm shocked out of my thoughts as he lifts his head and catches my eye for a second, before I'm forced to look away. Those eyes are just the way they always are. They look right inside you, seeing the things you're trying to hide. There was a time when I could look into them, confident that I had nothing to hide from him. No longer. I can't hold his eye, and it's my turn to look at my knees.

The Principal comes in, and begins his address. It's short and fairly to the point. The usual, 'We're a team', and 'My door's always open', sort of spiel. 

We're dismissed and given directions to our offices or whatever. Mine is in the same suite as the Principal, but has a door directly to the corridor, so there's no need to bump into the Principal when coming for counselling. 

As I reach my door, I know he's just behind me. To my surprise, he goes into an office opposite mine. So much for not seeing too much of him. I watch him going into his room before I enter mine.

I look around. Standard desk and chair with a couple of other chairs on the opposite side of the desk. That'll have to change. I mean, yeah, I'll need the desk for paperwork, but no way I'm counselling kids from the other side of a desk. I glance at my calendar, and note that I've already got a few appointments, but not until mid morning. I go to the filing cabinet and root out the relevant files. There's nothing like being prepared.

The morning speeds by. Mornings at the Doublemeat Palace never went at this rate. I'm nervous, afraid I'm going to say or do something to make things worse, but, mainly I listen. The kids are wary as they come in, but seem to relax when I sit close to them, without the barrier of authority.

When it's time for lunch break, I head for the canteen. I smile at some familiar faces. Some I recognise as teachers from my own school days. None of them looks particularly welcoming. A few I recognise as teachers at Dawn's old school, and they're generally more welcoming. No sign of Spike. 

I eat quickly, and go to see if I can find him. First stop, his office. Impressive. He's looking over some blueprints - I assume of the new building. He starts as I come in.

"Hey," I start. "Nice office."

"Yeah," he answers. "New Principal's what you might call 'forward thinking'. I've even got a weapons chest, locked of course."

He pulled some keys from his pocket. How he got them into the pocket, I'll never know. I mean, the jeans might be blue, but that's the only difference from before. Still skin tight. He doesn't seem to notice the effect he's having on me. He seems calm.

Apart from the desk and the weapons chest, there's a bank of monitors. He sees me noticing.

"Bloody useless, they are," he tells me.

"I mean, some demons won't even show up, and any that do'll be able to put the cameras out of commission right quick. Might be useful for burglars, I 'spose."

I nod, desperately thinking of something to say. "So, how are you? Clem said you were better."

"I'm fine. How about you?"

"Yeah, you know Slayer healing. I'm never down for long."

"One hundred and forty-seven days," he reminds me, his face taking on that familiar haunted look.

"Yeah." I agree.

I want to ask him so much. I want to apologise, to tell him how sorry I am. I can't. Not yet. "Guess I'll be seeing you a lot," I say, "being opposite and all."

"'Spose so."

He sounds so cold. I can't take it any more. "Better get back," I mutter, turning my back.

He doesn't answer, just goes back to the blueprints.

Fortunately, I don't have time to brood. I've a full afternoon, and when the kids go home, I've got a lot of writing to do. Dawn breezes in, and I suggest she goes to the library to get a start on her homework. She doesn't look too pleased at the prospect, but goes.

When I finish, I head towards the library, surprised to hear Dawn laughing. I go in, and soon know why. Spike. The two are sitting there, and both look up, as if they've been caught planning something. For just an instant, I see him. The old Spike. Happy. But it's gone, like a shutter closed, and his eyes have lost their animation. He stands up, and says something about needing to check some things out.

When he's gone, Dawn looks at me as if I've done something wrong.

"What?" I ask.

"Why did you do that?"

"And again with what?"

"He just shut down when you came in. Have you said something to him?"

"Dawn, you know how it is. Sure I've spoken to him, but, the damage was done before today."

"I wish you'd sort it out."

"Me too."

I'm surprised to find my eyes are damp again. Not going to do that. That is definitely **not** the impression I'm trying to give on my first day at work. I shake my head, and say, "Ready to go?"

She nods and gathers her books together.

We chat as we walk home. I laugh with her at her first thoughts on her teachers, and listen carefully to the descriptions of the kids in her classes. She seems remarkably relaxed, the pre-back-to-school stress apparently gone.

As we approach the house, I get a surprise. Parked outside is Xander's car. I run towards it, and Dawn shouts at me unsure of the reason at first. When I reach the car, I'm shocked. I've seen Xander post battle, post apocalypse. Even post Willow, and post the wedding-that-wasn't. He's never looked this bad.

I open the door and help him out. He hasn't shaved in days, and, by the look of him, he hasn't changed his clothes either. It smells like that too. His eyes are bloodshot, and bagged. There's no life in them. He doesn't speak as I help him inside. He flops on the sofa, and still doesn't speak.

"Xander, where've you been?"

He shrugs. 

"What happened?"

"I killed him."

"Who?"

"Spike."

"No, you didn't."

"There's no way he could have survived. I staked him in the heart. There was so much blood. He's human. I'm like Faith. I …."

"Xander, Spike's alive. I saw him today. So did Dawn."

He looks at me, checking for any sign of a lie. He didn't find one, so he looked at Dawn.

"Spike's fine," she confirmed.

Something about that causes the dam to burst. He starts to cry, almost silently, but with shuddering sobs. I sit beside him, and put an arm around his shoulder. He doesn't seem to notice, and I try to ignore the ripeness of his shirt.

When he calms, I suggest a shower while I cook. Dawn goes upstairs to find the clothes he kept here for while he was decorating. They're paint spattered, but they smell a lot better than what he's wearing.

When he comes down again, he looks better. Better but not right. His shoulders are still slumped, and there's a deadness to his eyes. What is it about me? Any guy I let into my life either runs away, or I kill something in him. I shudder at the horror that is my friendship. It's not just men, either, I realise with a start. I mean, look at what happened to Willow.

We eat more or less in silence. I mean, you can't really count requests for salt to be conversation. Xander eats so much, I wonder when he last ate. He's still not giving anything on where he was. 

Replete, Xander seems a lot better. "I came back so I could meet Willow," he informs me. 

I nod. "Good. It's good you can do that. I can't, you know, new job and everything."

A light comes on in his eyes, as if he just realised something. "First day today, wasn't it?"

"Yeah. It was, good."

He turns to Dawn. She smiles at him, but it's a smile that holds something back. She's not going to forgive him for Spike any time soon. I don't know how I feel about it, but I feel inclined to just forget it. He's giving himself a hard enough time over it.

"So, Spike's human?"

His words surprise me. "N..no."

"Then what?"

"Don't know. He's warm, he needs to breathe. Still not human. Apparently. I haven't heard the whole story."

"You saw him today?"

"He's working at the school."

The reaction's slower than it would have been, but it still builds. "Buffy, you've got to stop that. He can't work at the school. He tried to rape you. And he's not chipped any more. There's no telling what he'll do surrounded by hormonal teenagers. You've got to speak to the Principal. If need be, go to the police."

The news about the chip is a surprise. I file the information away as something to consider later. But, I'm not worried. It's my Slayer intuition. It's not firing, not the way it used to when I considered Spike chipless. It wasn't the chip that stopped him upstairs. I mean, I know I pushed him off me, but he didn't come back. As soon as he understood that I didn't want it, he stopped. "Xander, leave it. He's not a danger to anyone but himself. He's not going to hurt anyone, or at least anyone human."

He starts to get up. He's going to storm out, and I put a hand on his arm. "Xander, please. Sit down."

He does, but it's not so much that he's convinced as that the fight's gone. When he calms I start to tell him about Anya.

"She's been looking for you. She's been as worried as I have. More. She wants me to call her if I hear from you."

"No," he replies.

"No, what?"

"I don't want to see her."

"Ok, but I'm going to call her and let her know you're ok."

He shakes his head, but it's lacking in conviction. He knows I'll call anyway. He gets up and heads towards the door.

"I'd better get home. I've got an early start to get to the airport, and I haven't been sleeping too well."

I nod. Somehow I can't bring myself to give him a hug. There was a time when that'd seem the most natural thing in the world. I guess it'll be harder to forget what he tried to do than I thought.


	13. Chapter 13 The Homecoming

****

Chapter 13 - The Homecoming

I drive to the airport early. The flight's due in at nine, but I want to be there early just in case. 

I've done a lot of thinking since last night. Truth is, I haven't done a lot of sleeping. I just don't understand Buffy and Dawn. One part of me thinks I should go to the police, tell them about Spike. Not about the ex-vampire bit, of course. But the attempted rape bit. Then I remember what Buffy said last night. It's not that I believe it was her fault, it's just that I know she won't back up the story. And, then, I'm just going to look like a troublemaker. No, somehow, I need to get evidence.

The airport's busy, as always. I head to the land-side of immigration, and scan the screens above my head. The flight's due in soon, fifteen minutes early. I can't wait to see Willow again. A few days ago, I thought Willow coming back would be all I'd need to feel happy again. Now, I know I've got to get Willow to help me get rid of Spike. 

I spend some time worrying round the problem, until I see a crowd coming through. I know their flight landed a while ago, so I'm scanning to see familiar faces. At last, I spot Giles over the other heads, and I start to wave, still watching for Willow. When I see her, I'm surprised. She looks so pale and tired. 

"Willow, Giles!" I shout, running towards them, and wrapping Willow in a hug. She stiffens a little, and I let go, looking into her eyes and trying not to let the hurt show. I turn. "Giles," I say, unsure whether to hug him, but he's just come from England, so he puts out a hand to shake mine.

I chat with Giles about the flight and other inconsequentials as we head to the car. Willow climbs in the back, and Giles comes in the front with me. He gives me the address, which I recognise, and we head off.

Conversation is still difficult. I know, Xander stuck for words, hard to imagine. But even I need something to work on. Willow is silent, and Giles seems serious even for Giles. We arrive, and I help them in with the bags. Willow smiles at me and tells me she needs to sleep. She suggests I come back later, when she's had a chance to rest, and tells me to bring Buffy. I agree, and head out. 

I consider going home, but on balance, I decide to go into work. I've got a lot of explaining to do, since I've been away for a few days. The sooner I get that over with, the better chance I have of remaining in the ranks of the employed.

As I leave work that evening, I consider what to do. My routine lately has been to go straight to Revello Drive. I'm not sure how welcome I'm going to be, but then I remember Willow telling me to bring Buffy over later. That's enough to make the decision for me. I drive there, but knock before going in. 

Dawn opens the door, and her face drops when she sees me. There's no welcome, she just moves out of the way to let me in. It hurts. I remember when she was younger. Well, I know, she didn't actually exist, but I still remember it. She had a crush on me, and I could do no wrong. I made her smile. Now, all I merit is a scowl.

Dawn disappears upstairs, and I follow my nose into the kitchen. Buffy's putting together a salad, and I smell pizza. She looks over her shoulder as I come in , but doesn't stop what she's doing.

"So, Giles and Willow back?"

"Yeah," I respond, disappointed by my welcome. "Will was tired, so she said to come back later. Asked me to bring you, too."

"That'll be great."

She looks around then, and adds, "Want to stay and eat? There's enough."

"That'd be good," I reply, remembering the recent times I've stayed to eat, without a formal invitation. It makes me feel like a visitor. A few days ago, I felt like family.

We sit down to eat, and the silence is strained. Dawn's ignoring me, and Buffy's looking at her, obviously trying to catch her eye, but Dawn's ignoring her too.

"So, how did they look?" Buffy eventually breaks the silence.

"They looked good. Willow, well, she was a bit pale, tired looking too. Giles was quiet. Even for Giles. He needs some time in sunny California, and he'll be ok."

"So, where did you go?"

It takes me a second to realise she means after … Spike. It seems it happened a while ago.

"I just drove. Nevada? I wasn't heading anyplace in particular. I just had to get away."

She nods, then goes on eating. She looks up again, surprised I've stopped talking. I've got to say it, even though I know it'll cool the atmosphere even more.

"Buffy, you've got to tell the school. If you don't, I'll have to do something. You can't let him work at the school."

It goes down like a lead balloon. Just as I expected. Dawn pushes her chair away from the table, glowers at me, and leaves. Buffy takes a deep breath.

"Just what did you have in mind, Xander? Stake him again? Or were you planning on using a gun like Warren? Or did you think of going to the Principal or the police on your own? 'Cos I'm telling you now, I won't back you up. I was as wrong as Spike was, more so. When I first heard he was coming back, I had my doubts. But I listened to my own instincts for a change, instead of the old 'demon - bad' dogma. Something's happened to him, and I'm waiting until I hear what it is before I decide what to do. But, I don't believe he's a danger to anyone at the school. If I did, do you think I would let Dawn go there? I was willing to trust Dawn to him while we went after Warren. You trusted him while I was gone."

"He was chipped then. He's not now."

"The chip might have started him out, but it's not responsible for how he's been. If it had just been the chip, Spike would have found another way to get at us. Especially you. You've always been having a go at him. He's got a hundred reasons for wanting you out of the way, and even when you went after him with a stake, he did nothing."

"He stopped me. And I didn't stake him. I used a cross bow." I can't help it, even though I know I sound like a petulant child.

Buffy is silent at that. She puts down her fork, and pushes her chair away from the table. She gathers the dishes in silence. I realise I'm going to have to do something, but I'm not going to get any support. Yet.

"So, when do you want to go to Willow's?"

"As soon as I've finished here, if you like." Buffy's voice is cold.

"What about Dawn?"

Buffy just shrugged, then went upstairs. When she returns, she tells me Dawn's not going.

"Because of me? She's missing out on welcoming Will because of me?"

"No," Buffy explains patiently. "She doesn't want to see Willow."

Now I'm really confused. Why wouldn't she want to see Will?

"Why?"

"Dawn just remembers that Willow nearly killed her twice. It's kinda understandable."

I sit down before I fall down. She's willing to trust Spike, scourge of Europe, demon, and attempted rapist of her sister, and she doesn't want to see Willow. I mean, I know Will did some stupid things, but Tara was dead. She's still Willow. I'm shaking my head, and Buffy's watching me. She's put on a jacket, and she's waiting for me.

We head out to my car, and drive to the apartment Giles and Willow are using. We drive in silence, and I'm surprised how tense Buffy seems. I mean, I know we've just had a disagreement, but it looks like it's more than that.

We arrive, and Buffy gets out of the car and walks to the door without waiting for me. Giles answers, and Buffy throws her arms round his neck. I can't remember him having that sort of welcome from her before, and by the look of her, neither can he. I follow them inside, and am pleasantly surprised by how much better Willow's looking. She smiles at me, genuinely glad to see me. She's looking at Buffy, and I can tell she's feeling the distinct lack of warmth there.

We sit down, and Giles asks how things have been. Buffy answers him, and the two are soon chatting about Slayage. She's keeping it simple, not mentioning any of the recent happenings. I get the impression Giles has something on his mind, and I wonder why he doesn't just say it.

I sit beside Willow, and try to chat. I ask her about her time in England, and she answers, but she's quiet. She answers in single words.

"Will, what's wrong?" I ask.

"I've got a lot of thinking to do. I did some awful things, and I need to find a way to put it right. It'll take a while. It's good to know I've still got friends. I wasn't sure…."

"What do you mean, you weren't sure? Of course you've got friends. There's me, and Giles, and Buffy and .."

"Are you sure about Buffy? And Dawn didn't even come. I'm going to have to earn their friendship back."

I shake my head, but she puts a hand on my arm and looks at me. "It's ok, Xander. I understand."

She might, but I don't. I overhear Giles asking Buffy to meet him the next day. He says something about some papers he needs to unpack.

"So, what's up British man? New evil afoot?"

"I came across something, while I was in England, that caused me to reconsider some ancient writings. I don't intend to discuss it now, as I want to be able to refer to some papers which are still packed. We can talk tomorrow." 

He turns to Buffy. "Were you planning to patrol tonight?"

"Yeah," she says, quietly. "I think I should. Things were a little more busy last night than recently."

I decide to bring Giles up to date with what Buffy's missed.

"Did you know Spike's back?"

Giles' head snaps up, and Buffy gives me a look that says more than words could. 

"What's wrong?" I ask. "Is it a secret?"

"No," Buffy answers. "It's not a secret, but it's not urgent either. I was going to let Giles get over his jetlag before I give him the whole story."

"So," Giles says, "Spike's back. And?"

"And he's chipless. And he's not a vampire any more."

I knew it, that got his attention. To my surprise, Giles doesn't mention the chip. "He's not a vampire? Surely he's not human?"

"Apparently not," Buffy replies. "Don't know the whole story yet. Things are … difficult."

"Understatement there, Buffy. After what he tried to do, I'd say things are more than difficult." I can't help myself, I've got to say it.

Buffy's look is icy, but I've achieved my aim. She's going to have to explain to Giles, and then maybe he can talk some sense into her.

"Spike and I both did some things we regret. That's between us." 

I can't let her get away with that.

"It isn't between you two when you're putting kids at Dawn's school at risk - when you're putting Dawn at risk."

Giles can see that things are getting heated, and he holds a hand up for calm. "Buffy, just tell me what you know."

"Well, he left. I think I told you that … before. I don't know what happened to him, but somehow, he came back different. He wrote to me, telling me he was coming back because Dawn was in danger. He's working at the school - Security. He doesn't have a problem with sunlight any more. Wood in the heart no longer results in dustiness. He's warm, and he needs to breathe. His heart beats. But, apparently, he's not human. I haven't spoken to him yet. Dawn has."

"How do you know about the wood in the heart? Did you try to stake him?" Giles seems to be in research mode rather than anything else.

"No, Xander did. Shot him with a cross bow."

Giles looks at me, and I'm not sure what he's thinking. He turns his attention back to Buffy. "Go on." 

"Well, I got injured a while ago. Vargas demon and …"

That really got Giles' attention. "Vargas demon? Buffy, you must be mistaken. They're terribly rare. I take it, it didn't bite you."

"It did."

"Buffy, no one's ever survived the bite of a Vargas demon. You must have misidentified it. Its unique combination of anticoagulants and toxin is invariably fatal, and that's true for human, demon, and even Slayers."

"Yeah, so I heard."

"Then how?"

"Spike. We were fighting the thing together, but I did something stupid, and it knocked me out. It took a bite, then Spike managed to kill it. He took me to his flat, and got Clem to bring Dawn over. When I got worse, he did some research, and went to get some blood. I don't know why, but he gave me some human blood to drink, and I got better. Thing is, …"

Buffy pauses then. I wonder what she can say that's worse than what she's already told us.

"Thing is, I met Anya. She told me that, now she's a vengeance demon again, she knows I'm not human. She wasn't sure what I was, but I'm not human. Somehow Spike knew that, and that's how he knew about the blood."

I've heard the words, but the meaning's taking time to sink in. I know I'm spluttering when I speak.

"Buffy! How can you think you're not human? You can't trust Anya. She's a demon. You certainly can't trust Spike. And the blood? There's no way that cured you. Are you sure it really was blood? He's just trying to make it seem like he's the same as you. He'll try anything to get you back into his bed. And Anya'd help him too. Remember what happened. Remember the impromptu porno show we caught."

She ignores me. They all do. Willow hasn't taken any part in the conversation, although she seems to be listening.

Giles continues. "Buffy, this is important. Can you get Spike to come along tomorrow? Some of this might tie up with the information I have. Either way, I'd like to hear what he knows." He is looking serious.

"I can ask," Buffy replies. "I'm not sure he'll want to help." She stops and thinks. "Well, maybe he will. He was around as I patrolled the night I was attacked by the Vargas, and last night too."

"Good," Giles says with a hint of finality. "Can we say eight o'clock at the Magic Box? It won't be ready for opening for some time, but the building's been made safe. Now, I don't want to be rude, but by my internal clock, it's four in the morning, and I need to get some sleep."

Buffy grins at him, and goes to get up.

"Giles," I almost shout. "Have you been listening? Spike's back. He's chipless. He's working at Dawn's school, and he's been feeding blood to Buffy! We've got to do something."

"Xander, Buffy obviously isn't concerned by what you've said, and I trust her judgement. He would hardly have pulled off a major medical miracle in saving Buffy if his intention was to kill her. And I suspect his new, er, condition, may just be important. Go home, and get some sleep. You look like you need it."

Buffy leaves, hugging Giles again as she goes. As an afterthought, she hugs Willow too, but it's not the same. I follow her out, but she tells me she doesn't need a ride.

"I'm going to patrol, and I might as well start here as anywhere. Goodnight Xander."

I consider arguing, but think better of it. I sigh as I unlock the car. 

"Xander," she says. 

I turn around, hoping for a change of heart.

"I know you care. I know that's why you're saying these things. Please, Xander, trust me. If you can't trust Spike, then trust me. I'll make sure he doesn't hurt Dawn, or anyone at the school. The first sign that he's a danger, and I'll do what I have to. I promise."

I know it's the best I'm going to get. The problem is, I'm not sure I can still trust her. I thought I could. I thought I could trust Anya. But they both … I can't even use the words. Even in my head, it's somehow worse to use the words to describe what happened between Buffy and Anya and Spike. When I remember the sight of what happened in the Magic Box, I feel physically sick. Somehow at night, I dream about what I saw. Funny thing is, more often than not, it's Buffy who's there, screwing a corpse. 

I shake my head, driving off the visions in my head. Buffy's waiting for an answer. I can't speak, so I just nod. That seems good enough for her, and she walks away. I get into my car, and head home. I need to come up with a plan. I need evidence to convince Buffy. From now on, Spike's not going to be able to light one of those awful cigarettes of his without me knowing it.


	14. Chapter 14 The Nature of the Key

Chapter 14 - The Nature of the Key  
  
  
  
Another day in the land of those who work for a living. It's a new experience for me. As a vampire, right up until I got the chip, my motto was simply want, take. It was difficult after that, but I still took what I needed when I could. Then, when I was human, I was a gentleman. Gentlemen didn't work for a living. I mean, being 'in trade' was to imply you didn't belong. Not that I sat back and let the world happen around me. There were duties. There were things I simply had to do, especially after father died. His responsibilities fell to me.  
  
It's only day two at Sunnydale High School, and already I feel I've been here forever. The layout of the school is scorched into my brain. I haven't had anything too severe to deal with yet. One kid with a knife he didn't actually intend to use, but I spotted him showing his friends on one of my monitors. There's the usual pilfering too, but I haven't spotted who yet. I will. I've done too much pilfering myself not to spot it.  
  
I've kept out of my office a lot today. I mean, I've been back, but only when I think Buffy will be busy. I'm avoiding her. I know. I'm a coward. But she looks at me, not with hatred, but with something I can't understand, and I can't cope with it. Hatred I can understand. Anything else might be hurt or confusion, or pain, and I can't bring myself to study her long enough to work out which.  
  
Towards the end of the day there's a note on my desk. Apparently Giles is back, and he's convened a meeting at the Magic Box at eight, and he wants me there. Probably planning to stake me, or at least tell me to get out of Sunnydale. It doesn't hurt any less because I know I deserve it.  
  
I consider not going. I think of the possibility of having to spend some time in the same room as Buffy, having to look at the pain I caused, and I'm desperate to find a reason not to go. But I haven't got one, and I know it.  
  
So, eight o'clock finds me outside the Magic Box. I stand with my hand on the door for a few seconds before finally opening it. There's no one sitting at the research table which seems to have been reinstated towards the back of the shop. The shop is an empty shell, and I think back to what Clem told me about what happened after I left. I deserted my girls, and I almost lost them both. Anya is there, looking through some catalogues, and as the door opens, Giles walks in from what was Buffy's training room, followed by Willow.  
  
"Spike, I'm glad you came. Sit down, I'm sure Buffy will be here soon." I do as he asked, sitting at the edge of my chair and Willow comes to sit beside me. She looks as uncomfortable as I feel, and I give her a half smile which she returns. Anya joins us, looking entirely comfortable, and this only serves to make Willow and I look less so.  
  
"Spike, it's good to see you. How've you been? You wouldn't believe the stories I've heard about you. Well, you know what the demon world's like. You just can't keep a secret!"  
  
At that moment, the door opens again and Buffy and Dawn walk in. They are greeted by Giles who follows them to the table. I'm flanked by Willow and Anya, so I end up more or less opposite the two Summers sisters. I sneak a look at Dawn, and she smiles warmly at me. She elbows Buffy, and she looks up from the table. She smiles shyly, and goes back to looking down.  
  
Giles clears his throat, and we all look his way. "I thought it would be a good idea to get together tonight, because of some information I came across while I was in England. But, before I get into that, I'd like Spike to tell us what happened to him. I don't know, but I think it might be relevant."  
  
They're all looking at me, expectantly, even Buffy. I concentrate on the Watcher, keeping my eyes on his as I start to speak.  
  
"The night I left, something happened. I did something I didn't think I could do. I hurt Buffy." I pause at that point, the memories still too vivid to be able to go on immediately. While I pause, the door opens again, and Xander lumbers in. He looks around the table, giving me a look of intense dislike, then shifts his gaze to my left, and Anya.  
  
"What's she doing here?" he asks. His finger is pointing at her. Anya bristles as only she can. "Giles asked me to be here. And that's only right, since I'm going back to managing the store when it's ready to reopen."  
  
"But, she's a demon!" Xander ignores Anya's words, and continues to talk to Giles. "That is certainly true," he agrees, "but it is also beside the point. Anya's information has often proved invaluable in the past, and I believe it may do so again. You have a choice. Either sit down and listen, or leave. I must ask you to decide quickly, so we can get on."  
  
This is obviously not what Xander expected, so he sits down, looking bewildered and hurt. I almost feel sorry for him. Almost. After what he did to Anya, he deserves to hurt a bit.  
  
The eyes return to me, and I try to continue. "As I was saying, I hurt Buffy. I didn't think I could, but I did. But, the thing is, I was confused. If I had been a man, I wouldn't have been able to hurt her like that. But, as a demon, I shouldn't have stopped when I knew I was hurting her. I realised I was nothing. I was neither man nor demon. I was so sorry about what I'd done, that I thought I'd lose my mind. But, despite that, the demon inside me was raging to finish what I'd started."  
  
I stop and take a deep breath. This is harder than I thought it would be, and I never thought it'd be a picnic. "I had heard of something. A demon. In Africa. I'd heard he could grant wishes. I went, and asked him for a soul. I thought, if I had a soul, I'd be back on one side of the divide, not stuck on the fence any more. Anyway, to cut a long story short, there were some trials, but I passed. He gave me a soul."  
  
I remember the physical pain of the trials, but I know my hand's starting to shake not because of that, but because of the memory of what followed. "He gave me a soul, and I started to feel regret, not just for what I'd done to Buffy, but to everyone I'd ever hurt. It built up, became overpowering, and then there was nothing. My body turned to dust, but, somehow I was there to see it. Don't exactly understand what happened." I glance away from the Watcher to look at Anya, Willow and Dawn. They're all looking at me intently, and I see .. is that understanding? I glance at Xander, and I see disbelief. He looks like he wants to object, but he's keeping quiet. I look at Buffy, and she's not looking at me. She's looking down, but her cheeks are wet. She's crying at the memory of me hurting her, I know she is, and it cuts through me. I have to take several deep breaths before I can continue.  
  
"Anyway, after a while, I'm on a beach. I've got a body of sorts, and I meet this girl. Little girl. And she tells me some things. She gives me the choice of going back as something different or not going back at all. I didn't want to go back. I reckoned I'd done enough harm already, but she said if I didn't go back, something would happen to Dawn. So, I agreed."  
  
Another pause. The next part isn't going to go down well, but I've got to say it. "She told me I'd be like Buffy's been since she came back. Not human, but not so different that you can tell easily. She told me that I would be able to survive on human food, but that blood would help me heal more quickly. That I would live far longer than a human, but she didn't say I would be immortal. She set me up with a flat and a job - a whole past. I woke up some time after that, and found the offer of the job at the school in my mailbox."  
  
Giles had been listening, his face expressionless while I spoke. Sensing that my story was complete, he started to question me. "Are you quite sure about the reason for you coming back? It was definitely to do with Dawn."  
  
I nod, sneaking a look at the Bit. Her eyes are looking moist, but she's smiling. She's smiling at me, even though she knows I hurt her sister. I thought I'd lose that - her friendship. "Yeah, that's the only reason I came back. She said it would take both Buffy and me to keep her safe."  
  
The silence of the next couple of seconds is broken by Anya. "Well, well. The rumours were true! I mean, I didn't really believe them. They sounded so improbable. Do you know what sort of demon you are? Because, I don't recognise it. I've seen just about every species there is, and I've never heard of one like you describe."  
  
I look at the vengeance demon, and smile at her. Her sadness is so much a part of her, that I can't help but feel it, but she's hiding it well. There's no way Harris would know she still loves him. "She never gave me a name. And, I've never heard of anything like me," I look over at Buffy, realising fully for the first time the import of what I've said. "Like us, before."  
  
I knew it was too good to last. Xander pushes his chair away from the table, his body is tense, ready to fight. "Don't tell me you believe him? All that about Buffy not being human? I mean, the rest of it is hardly believable. There's no way he'd have gotten himself a soul. How often have you heard him talking about Angel's soul? He knew that it took Angel what, fifty years before he could deal with a soul. He wouldn't do it." To my amazement, it's Buffy who answers Xander. "You're wrong, Xander. It's exactly the sort of thing Spike would do. He's not one for half measures. The first time he tried to make me admit I cared for him, he chained me up and offered to kill Drusilla for me. And, after what I said to him, the way I treated him, it's exactly what he would do. I just don't know why I didn't realise it before."  
  
The last few words she said were broken, like she was trying to hold back tears. I glance up, and I see Dawn putting her arm around her sister's shoulders, but she's looking at me.  
  
Giles allows silence to reign for a short while, cleaning his glasses before speaking again. "I think I may be able to shed some light on the type of demon we're talking about, but I would prefer to start my story at the beginning."  
  
Xander stands up. "I don't know about the rest of you, but I want some evidence. I want some proof that he's got a soul, and that Buffy's not human, and I'm not going to believe him otherwise."  
  
To my surprise, Giles nods. "I suspected you might feel that way. Willow?" Willow opens her mouth to speak for the first time. "G..Giles warned me we might need proof. I've got something I can do. I can't prove the soul- having thing, but I can do a test to see if Buffy is human."  
  
"Giles," Xander interrupts. "You can't ask her to do that. It's not fair." Dawn seems disturbed at the prospect too. She's gone pale, and is gripping Buffy's arm in what must be a painful grasp.  
  
"I assure you," Giles says calmly, "that the spell involved here is completely safe. During her time in England, Willow has been working on reconnecting with the earth roots of pure magic, white magic. The spell she has in mind is completely true to those roots. It will simply recognise those of us around the table who are of the earth, that is, human. The others, it will ignore."  
  
He turns to Willow, and she nods her acknowledgement. "As Giles said, there is no danger with this spell. I . I know I was wrong before, and it's been hard not using the dark magic, and I know I've still got a long way to go, but this .. this is ok. Honestly. Giles wouldn't let me do it if he wasn't comfortable." At that point she looks straight at Dawn. "I .. I know you haven't got much reason to trust me, but I'm not asking that, not yet. For now, trust Giles."  
  
No one speaks, but the tension in the room goes down significantly. When she senses the acceptance, Willow continues. "It's quite a simple spell, really. I've got some earth here. Not just any earth, it's been specially purified and blessed, and I'm going to sprinkle a little of it over each of us. Then I'll say the incantation - it's just a couple of words - and those of us who are human should glow slightly as the earth recognises its own."  
  
She stands up, and goes around the table, sprinkling a little of the powdered earth over each of us in turn, finishing with herself. She returns to her own place at the table, next to me, and says two words I don't catch. The effect is slow at first. Then I see it. Giles, Willow, and Xander are all glowing slightly. I cast a glance at Anya, then at Buffy, and I see nothing. I look at my own arm, and again see nothing. Something draws my eyes to Dawn, and I see she's glowing too, but it's not like the others. She's glowing brighter than the rest of them, and unlike them, she's not glowing white, but a clear bright green.  
  
The fireworks don't last more than a few seconds, and when they're over, Giles stands up again. "I think we have our proof. We are in the presence of three demons." "What about me?" asks Dawn, and I can see in her eyes that she's scared. Buffy's holding her hand, and I want to rush over there and do the same, but with an effort I stay where I am.  
  
"Well, as I understand the spell, the fact that you glowed at all proves that you are of the earth. You are human. The green, I believe that is the energy of the key shining through."  
  
"Yes," Buffy says suddenly, "that's what Tara saw, wasn't it? After Glory stole her mind, she saw Dawn as green energy."  
  
As she speaks, Buffy's eyes flit to Willow, and I follow her gaze to find the witch crying softly. The mention of Tara must be more than she can bear. "I'm sorry, Will, I didn't mean."  
  
"It's ok, Buffy. You can't not talk about her. That would be wrong. We all need to remember her, to talk about her. That's how we keep her memory alive, and that's all I've got now."  
  
I always did have a soft spot for the redhead. Even back when Buffy was just an exotic snack, I had a sneaking regard for Willow. She said that with such quiet dignity that I can't help but admire her more than ever. I catch her eye, and try to let her know, but I'm not sure she understands.  
  
Giles clears his throat again. "To get back to what I found in England. The library in the estate where Willow and I stayed has an excellent collection of books, and I spent many happy hours there. I found something, some notes on the margin of a book I read on a previous visit. Those notes were not there during my earlier perusal, and I asked the librarian about them. She assured me that no one had read that volume since the last time I did. That intrigued me. I had one of the coven members check out the writing, and it appears that it was written a very long time ago, shortly after the book was printed, but hidden magically. We don't know exactly what happened to make the notes visible, but I read them with interest."  
  
"The notes didn't give any information in themselves, but were in fact a series of references to other texts. The texts in question have a very interesting history. During the 800s, there was a seer who lived in Winchester in England. Now, he was generally accepted to be quite mad, but, the monks who had the care of him, found some of the things he said so intriguing, that they set someone to write down everything he said. Most of it was gibberish, but, every now and again, he would say something which made sense, and within a short while, things he prophesied would come true. In all, there were twelve volumes of these ramblings, and they were studied in great depth for a time. They are known as the Bartholomew texts after the seer himself. The last known prophecy to come from these texts came true about two hundred years after Bartholomew's death. After that, they were generally considered to be a spent force. The notes I found persuaded me to re-examine his words."  
  
Giles picks up some notes as he waits to allow us to take in what he has said. I can't help myself, I've got to ask. "So, these notes tell you to look up page fourteen of volume one and read what it says?"  
  
"More or less, yes, Spike. What I found startled me. Unfortunately, the coven had only five of the twelve volumes. I have a good deal of further research to do, but I think I should share what I have so far. The first thing I found is a reference to an evil more ancient than anything I've heard of. It claims there was an energy, a purely malevolent energy, which was loosed upon the earth thousands of years ago. At that time, long before the human race as we know it, some creatures, it isn't specific as to their nature, found a means to trap this energy. They call the vessel they used the 'Orb of Fire'. Now, there was no way at that time to destroy this energy, containment was the only option. However, they knew that the orb would eventually disintegrate, and therefore they needed to come up with something lest this evil take over the world. For this purpose, they devised what we now know as 'The Key'."  
  
The surprise at what he said was palpable. Dawn paled noticeably. "I'm sorry, Dawn." Giles said. "I suggested to Buffy that you not attend this meeting, but she insisted that she wouldn't have secrets from you any more. She also said that you knew that there was some sort of threat to you inherent in the reasons for Spike's return, so I hoped this would not be too big a shock."  
  
"It's ok, Giles. I need to know this. I mean, I'm the Key, and that's a dangerous thing to be. Been there, done that. That's why I've got Buffy as a sister, and Spike to help keep me safe. It's cool."  
  
She's trying so hard to show us she's not scared, but I can feel the fear. I instinctively stiffen, readying myself to protect her from an unseen enemy. "Very well. To continue. The plan was that the power of the Key would increase over the centuries, and that, by the time the Orb of Fire was due to disintegrate, the Key would be sufficiently developed to nullify the effect of the evil. That's as close as I can get to the meaning. Somehow, the Key energy and the evil will meet, and both will simply vanish."  
  
"But, what about Dawn?" Buffy demands, just a fraction of a second before I was going to ask the same question.  
  
"Well, Dawn is the Key, but she's also a human being. I hope that means that the Key will be destroyed, but that Dawn will emerge unscathed."  
  
"You hope, Watcher?" I ask. "'Snot good enough. We need to know what 's going to happen. If Dawn won't be ok, we need to stop this thing before it happens." Giles is cleaning his glasses again. "Quite, Spike. I concur. As I said, I need to continue my research. Now, to continue. There is reference in another book to two warriors. The volume in question referred heavily to things of a martial nature, so the passages were assumed to belong there. The two warriors are described thus. 'The first will be born pure and live for good. On her second passing, she will return altered, becoming the vessel required for the task. The second will also be born pure, but will succumb to evil. Yet, he will also learn to live for good, and will achieve a great prize. He too, will become the vessel required for the task. The essences of both will be unchanged.'" "It seems to me, particularly in light of what Spike told us earlier, that the two warriors referred to are Buffy and Spike. Both have returned from death altered. We have still to discover their full capabilities. By the way, the full name given to those two warriors is 'Eternal Souls'."  
  
He's watching Buffy and me. His eyes are flitting between the two of us, as if he's expecting us to do something. We both just look back.  
  
"There are quite a lot more references I haven't been able to check yet. I'll be working on that as a matter of urgency, but you have to understand, that, apart from the Council of Watchers, I don't know of any other source of the complete set of Bartholomew texts. For obvious reasons, I would prefer to leave that source untapped unless it becomes absolutely necessary. I have some contacts, and I'm going to be scouring every source I know to try to find these texts. In the meantime, I can only suggest that we carry on as usual. It is fair to say that there are bound to be entities who don't want the Key to be available when the Orb of Fire disintegrates, so we have to keep the safety of Dawn as the first priority."  
  
There is general agreement around the table. Even Harris is nodding. I watch him, and don't flinch when he turns to look at me. He holds my gaze, and I see, for the first time, a hint of understanding.  
  
The meeting is over, and several smaller groups form. I watch Xander move towards Willow, and they're talking quietly. Dawn's staying close to Buffy, and I instinctively move closer to the Bit, feeling my natural inclination to protect her bolstered by what I've heard. Anya approaches too. She's talking to Dawn, her words falling over each other in their enthusiasm for getting out of her mouth, and Dawn seems to be listening. I'm not. I'm standing here, the two most important people in the world close to me, and I feel an almost overwhelming dread. It's so strong, it's almost a premonition. Somehow, I know, I just know, that Dawn won't survive the release of the Key. I glance at Buffy, and by the stricken look on her face, I know she feels it too.  
  
Giles is leading Willow to the door, pleading tiredness for both of them, and asking Anya to lock up. Xander goes with them, casting a last, lingering look at Anya. I see the pain on his face and realise that, despite the anger he feels, he still loves her. It's almost enough to make me laugh. Hell, it is enough to make me laugh, but I control it. They both still love each other, but neither realises it. I think Xander's got a long way to go before it gets sorted, but I think he's taken the first step.  
  
Anya starts talking about her vengeance duties, telling us that she's being called and hustling us out of the shop. I leave with Buffy and Dawn, and instinctively offer them a lift home. Buffy initially looks like she's going to refuse, but she glances at Dawn, and changes her mind. We head for my car, and Dawn climbs in the back, leaving the passenger seat for Buffy. Buffy pulls the hem of her dress down as far as it will go, and holds her hands in her lap demurely as I pull away.  
  
We travel in silence, and I pull up outside the house. "Were you going to patrol?" I ask. "I am going to patrol," she answers.  
  
"Look, Buffy. We can't leave Dawn alone. So, either I patrol and you stay with her, or you patrol and I stay, and I know you're not going to be happy with that option." "Why not?" She looks genuinely baffled.  
  
"You mean you'd let me in your house? Leave me with Dawn?" "Done it before," she reminds me. "But that was ." "I know. But Spike, after you left, when I had to go and find Warren, I took Dawn to your crypt. I trusted you with her then, and I still trust you with her."  
  
I swallow hard. There's a lump in my throat, and I don't know where it's come from. I nod, and follow them to the front door. Buffy goes in first, and Dawn runs in ahead. I stand on the doorstep, not willing to feel the barrier that I know will meet me without an invitation. I remember the night she died. The barrier, and her invitation that destroyed it. Dawn looks back, her eyes questioning.  
  
"I need an invitation," I remind her. "No, you don't," she says, putting a hand on my arm and pulling me inside. There was no barrier. Buffy comes down five minutes later, her dress replaced by leather trousers and a pullover. She kisses Dawn on the forehead, and heads out, leaving me on her sofa, with her sister. 


	15. Chapter 15 Reconciliation

****

Chapter 15 - Reconciliation

My mind is reeling as I head out on patrol. There's so much to think about, but, despite the knowledge that Dawn's in danger, the thing that's uppermost in my mind is Spike. Despite everything he knew about Angel's soul, he went and got one. For me. It's such a huge deal I can hardly take it in. He got a soul for me, so that I could love him. He did it without a guarantee, just because it might be enough.

I think back to my meeting with Anya at the Mall. She told me that I already loved him. I didn't argue with her then, because the other things she told me pushed that out of my mind. But, I know it's true. It was true before he left. It was true before I kissed him that first time. That night when we sent the music demon back home without a queen. I was drawn to him, desperate to feel. But I was already feeling, it was just the demon in me, warping things, not allowing me to see what I was feeling. I'm not sure when it started, when I first loved him. It was there, but I was so scared. Angel hurt me so badly, and he had a soul. I guess I just thought Spike would hurt me worse without one. Then there was the problem of losing my friends. I knew I'd lose Xander if he knew. I thought I'd lose Willow and Giles too. So, I blanked out the idea, told myself I couldn't possibly love him. It was just lust, needing to feel, but it was so much more than that. 

I took his love and threw it back in his face. The only man who's stayed with me. Stayed with me even though I've told him to go. Even though I've hurt him every way I could. When he did actually leave, it was so he could change, make himself acceptable to me. I am such an idiot.

Patrol is straightforward, but I miss the feeling that Spike's around. I'm going to have to make alternative arrangements if I want him to patrol with me. He's right. It's just like when Glory was after her. We have to look after Dawn.

I wonder what we can do to protect her. I don't know why, but I got this horrible clenching in my stomach when Giles talked about the Key annihilating this evil energy thing. I don't see how Dawn can survive that, and I'm scared. I'm so scared by this thing, and all I want is to be held, and the only person I want to hold me is Spike, the man I chased away.

I head for home, still lost in thought, lost in my guilt. I know I've staked some vampires, but it's a vague recollection, hardly impinging on my conscious at all. The light's off in the lounge, but I see the tell-tale flicker of the TV. I walk in, preparing to yell at both of them if Dawn's still up, but there's no need. Dawn is gone, and Spike's lying on the sofa. He's asleep, the movie on the screen is being ignored. I stand and watch for a while. Spike. He looks so innocent and young when he's asleep. I've never really spent time watching him sleep. Even when we were - you know, sleeping together. That's such a stupid euphemism. The one thing we didn't do much of was sleep. I was too busy running off before the afterglow had faded. Before I let something slip which could comfort him. Before he could see the love that I had for him. He looks younger without the sneer, without the hurt etched onto his face. Every muscle's relaxed. It's almost like looking at a child. 

He must sense I'm here, because he's stirring. "Hey, sleepy," I say to announce my presence. 

He opens his eyes, and sits up guiltily. "Sorry," he apologises. "I fell asleep. Guess I'm more tired than I thought."

I can feel myself falling back into my reverie, just wanting to stand there and watch him, so I force myself into action. "Hot chocolate?" I ask.

He's going to say no, I can see it in the way he's tensing, but he seems to reconsider, and surprises me. "Yeah, please."

"With marshmallows?"

That gets a grin. It's the first real grin he's sent in my direction since he got back. The grin flickers, and I know he's remembering who used to give him marshmallows in his hot chocolate. Mom.

"I still miss her," I tell him, and he nods.

"Me too."

I turn and go into the kitchen to get things. I'm half surprised when he doesn't follow. A few minutes later, I go back and put the steaming mug in front of him. I sit opposite him, and I remember what Dawn told me on the way to the Magic Box. She told me to stop being silly. That I had to get over things with Spike. That I had to forget what had happened between us. She even suggested that we just start again.

I look up, and I see he's been thinking too.

"Do you know what Dawn said while you were out?" he asks.

I shake my head. "No, what?"

"She said we should start all over again. Pretend we're meeting for the first time."

I giggle, and he looks surprised. "She told me the same thing. But we can't, can we?"

"Don't know. Might be worth a try." 

He shrugs as he says that, and I know he's not sure whether to stay or run.

I hold out my hand to him. "Let me introduce myself," I say. "I'm Buffy Anne Summers."

He joins in quickly. "Pleased to meet you, Miss Summers. I am William Prescott, but everyone calls me Spike." He holds out his hand, and we shake. Then the smiles widen as we realise how ridiculous we must look. It's so good to smile around him. The smiles get wider, and we're laughing.

We drink our cocoa, and the laughter subsides. "Buffy, I'm sorry." His face is a picture of sorrow.

"I know, me too. But, we're supposed to be starting over. Let's make this the last apology, for things in the past anyway."

"Ok," he answers.

"Dawn took the news well, considering," I comment.

"She's more scared than she's letting on," he tells me. I look at him, and my surprise must show on my face.

"Vampires can feel fear. Like heat or cold, they can feel it. I still can. I 'spect you can too, but maybe you just don't recognise it yet."

I nod. There has been something about her since Spike's letter. I cast my mind back over the past year, and I think, yes, there were times I felt something, but I just didn't think in terms of feeling fear.

"Maybe you need to teach me," I say. "Teach me how to understand these things."

"Whatever I can teach you is small compared with what you can teach me. How do you control the demon? I can still feel it, inside me. I've got a soul, but the demon's still there. When you were hurt, I could feel it, telling me to feed from you. The scent of your blood was so strong. I don't need blood to live any more, but it would still give me strength, it would give me a buzz, make me feel good."

"I don't know," I tell him truthfully. "I guess I haven't given much thought to fighting my demon, 'cos I've only just discovered I have one. But, I suppose, yeah, I've been more inclined to beat on demons rather than just kill them. One demon in particular, but that's touching on things we're not supposed to be talking about. I've made other …. Mistakes. Maybe, it's just, I don't have a history of drinking blood, so that's not the way the demon uses to get to me. Killing, hurting demons, that's the way it comes out with me. So, I guess I haven't done much of a job of controlling mine either. Maybe we're just going to have to help each other."

"I'd like that," he answers, putting his mug down. "I suppose I'd better be going," he says, getting up.

I follow him to the hallway, and watch as he opens the door. As he walks outside, I grab his hand. "Take care," I tell him.

The look on his face is more reward than I deserve. The look is pure love, and gratitude, and not a little disbelief. He turns and walks to his car. I remember earlier today. "And, no more avoiding me at school," I call after him, and he turns around and smiles.

"Ok."

As I climb the stairs, I hear something moving above me. It's Dawn, I know it is. She's been listening in. I go to her room, and she's pretending to be asleep.

"Well, did you like what you heard?" I ask.

She opens one eye, then the other. "I was that obvious, huh?"

"Well, I heard you. And, where do you get off giving us both pep talks?"

"Duh. It worked, didn't it? You're talking again. Won't be long before you're doing more than talking."

"Dawn, stop that. We're barely friends, and there isn't going to be anything else. We've got to work together, and we'll do it. But, there's too much history to ignore completely. We're not going to talk about what happened before, but that doesn't mean we can just forget it."

"But he still loves you." Her statement is full of her confidence.

"Yeah, I think he does," I realise, remembering his expression when I took his hand.

"And you love him, don't you?" I pause. I did. I'm only just getting used to admitting that to myself. But now? I don't know any more. I'm not sure about admitting it to her. But I promised no secrets.

"Yeah, well, I did. Maybe I still do. It's just, Dawnie, love isn't everything. I thought so. When I was with Angel, I thought that as long as we loved each other, everything would work out fine. But love doesn't work like that. Life isn't like that. Love often isn't enough."

"But, you didn't love Angel like you love Spike."

"Again with the bold statements. But, you're right. I loved Angel like he was my protector. My knight in shining armour. Ours was a fairytale love. It couldn't survive in the real world. But what I feel for Spike isn't up to the real world either. Not yet, and maybe never."

She's smiling at me. It's that smile that says she thinks differently, but has decided not to argue. She's just polishing her 'I told you so' speech for when she gets to deliver it.

"Go to sleep," I tell her, turning my back on her grin. "I'm for a quick shower then bed. See you in the morning. Love you, Dawn."

"Love you, Buffy," she answers, burrowing herself under her covers.


	16. 16 A Spanner in the Works

****

Chapter 16 - A Spanner in the Works

I wipe my face down with a towel, and leave it draped around my neck as I walk to retrieve my cell phone from where I left it. I wonder who'd be interrupting this. It's not as if my number is general knowledge. I smile as I see the display, and put the phone to my ear.

"Sam, honey, what's up?" I know she wouldn't interrupt a training session unless there was a good reason.

"Hi, honey. Sorry to interrupt, but our new orders came through. We're shipping out tonight."

"Where?"

"Sunnydale." 

The implications of going back to Sunnydale flood into my mind, and I'm only brought back by Sam's voice in my ear.

"Riley, what is it?"

"Someone here trying to talk to me," I lie. Sam knows about Buffy, of course she does. She knows she's in my past. She just doesn't know how much of my present she occupies too.

"Ok," I continue. "I'll finish things up here and come back. Should be there within an hour."

"Love you, honey," Sam tells me.

"Love you too," I reply automatically.

The session was almost complete, and I dismiss the men I'm training. They look surprised, and well they might. It's a rare thing for them to get away with a short session from me. I head for the showers, strip off and get under the spray.

It's a bad move, because it gives me time to think. I love my wife, I really do. I love her more than I thought I'd be able to love anyone after … after Buffy. I thought I was doing ok. I started to believe that my feelings for Buffy had been exaggerated, made into some sort of fairytale, but I was wrong. Seeing her that last time, I knew it was all real.

The worst part was seeing her with Spike. Imagining what they'd been doing before they fell asleep made me physically sick. And Buffy, she was different. He's changed her in some way, I know he has. When I think about what he's done to her, I want to kill him, slowly and painfully. I would have too, if it hadn't been for Sam. I couldn't let her see how I was feeling.

She noticed though. She knew I wasn't myself. But, my wife's nothing if not resilient. She noticed, she asked gently, and she tried to help me get over it. Obviously I couldn't tell her the whole truth. That I loved Buffy more than I could ever love anyone. That memories of the time we were together are the barometer against which I measure everything in my life. That remembrance of holding her, loving her, making love to her, make every other experience in my life pale into insignificance.

Seeing what he'd done to her, it broke my heart. She was never mine, and now she never can be. He's seen to that. Or maybe the damage was done before him. Maybe it was Angel who made sure a mortal man could never hold her heart.

I remember she started to speak up for him over the eggs business. He told her not to, and she hit him. That's one of the few good memories of that trip. Funny thing is, when he said he was keeping the eggs for a friend, he was telling the truth. He wasn't the doctor. We eventually tracked down the doctor, and he turned out to have distributed the eggs around a dozen or more demons. It took us weeks to find them all. It seems one of the contacts heard we were on our way, and he palmed the eggs off on Spike. Offered to pay him. Didn't even tell Spike the eggs had to be refrigerated. Spike thought the eggs were headed for the menu of some new demon club.

Of course, I never told Buffy what I'd found. The whole eggs fiasco had put a wedge between them, and I wasn't about to remove it. That was the best result of that visit - I managed to split them up.

I finish showering, and pull on my clothes. I head out to the car, and drive home. Sam was calling from her office, but I know she'll be home when I get there. She is, her smile enough to lighten any man's heart. I've said it before, but my wife is the most amazing woman. Her love would be enough to complete any man. Any man who hadn't loved Buffy Summers.

"The orders are here," she says, handing me some folded paper. I open them and read. Sunnydale. Scientific examination of artefacts. An archaeological dig some twenty miles from Sunnydale. A lab being set up in an offshoot of what was the Initiative headquarters. Sam and I to head the investigation of what has been dug up, and any further finds.

I get to the bit at the bottom. Top Secret. No information to be shared with civilians under any circumstances. 

"Sam?" I call.

"What is it, honey?" she calls back from the bedroom.

I join her there and watch her pack the bare essentials into a case. I start to do the same, something we've both done so often since we married. Home is just a base to store things until the next mission. Packed, I check the time. We've got an hour before we ship out. Sam's noticed the same thing. She walks towards me, holding me close and kissing me. I react, of course I do. I'm a man, and I do love her.

We fly into Sunnydale early next morning. We're transported directly to our quarters. I didn't realise some of the Initiative base had been left intact. It's not a lot, just some basic labs and living quarters. It's spartan, especially for a couple, but that's also standard. Two, narrow, single beds squeezed into a room intended for one. Just as well we both travel light.

We take time to shower and change before heading for the lab. I'm introduced to Professor Jose Garcia, the archaeologist in charge of the dig. He's a military man too, although he prefers to use his academic qualification. Fortunately for him, his CO seems to tolerate his eccentricity. He shows us a map of the area, pointing out the dig site. It's unusual, because it was actually discovered when an old gold mine collapsed. The mine had been disused for a long time, and it took a road with it when the underground supports gave way. A couple of odd looking things were found there, and somehow, they came to the attention of someone left over in the area from Initiative days. He alerted the military, and they took over. I look at the finds so far. There're a couple of effigies that look like demons I've come across in various parts of the world. There are some other things, things I can't begin to imagine the purpose of.

"Is this it?" I ask.

"Oh, dear me, no. There's much more. What you see here is more or less what we picked up within the mine itself. Because of what we found, we started excavating the area around the mine - finding our way through rock that hasn't been disturbed in thousands of years. We're bringing in new finds every day."

"I'd like to visit the site."

"Of course, of course," he gushed in reply. "Whenever you wish. Tomorrow?"

I look at Sam who's looking carefully at something black, shiny, apparently metal. She looks up and nods.

"Yeah, tomorrow sounds good. That'll give us time to have an initial look here. What time?"

"We normally send a truck there at eight. Would that be convenient?"

I agree, and he goes back to his office to continue whatever he was doing.

"What do you think?" I ask Sam. I majored in psychology but I did a lot of Initiative work on Demon physiology with the inherent chemistry and biology, but Sam's archaeology major. She's the expert in this sort of thing.

"I've never seen anything like it. It doesn't look old, but where it was buried, there's no way it could be recent. I guess we'll start with a standard chemical and physical analysis and take it from there."

The rest of the day passes in meetings with the rest of the small team that's been assembled. It's late when Sam and I make it back to our quarters. Without comment, Sam starts to rearrange the furniture, pushing the two beds together. I join in, doing my best to make the best of a bad job. One thing's for sure. Our sex life is of necessity going to have to be fairly basic until further notice.

The drive to the dig site next morning is spent listening to Garcia describing the layout. We're going to have to go a fair way underground. The dig's going lower, and they haven't found any slow down in the find rate. We don the hard hats required, and head down. There were another six people on the truck, and they all start to work immediately, carrying on from where they left off the previous day. The work is meticulous, tiny amounts of earth being removed to reveal a number of unidentified objects.

We spend some time watching and listening, or at least I do. Sam is itching to get to work and does so. I watch her as she brushes earth away from something that was discovered a few days previously, but which no one had had found time to excavate before. It's a curved shape, but there's no indication of its actual size.

Sam reckons she'd be best to work at the site for the moment, and I agree. There may come a time when she'd be better back at the lab, but we're not there yet. I arrange transport back to Sunnydale. On impulse, I ask the driver to drop me in the centre of town. I tell myself I'm just getting my bearings, but it's more than that. Last time I was here, Buffy was working in a burger joint. I take a look inside, but don't see her. I cringe when I remember how she was then. Working for minimum wages in that place. 

I pass the Magic Box. Giles' store. It looks a mess, and there's a hand-written note in the window. 'Closed for Renovation' it says.

I bend my steps towards the Hellmouth. It calls to me in a way I can't understand. I know the school's no longer there. I heard Buffy tell the story of the ascension and how she and her friends stopped it, but, even when it's a wreck, it's still the Hellmouth.

I can see it while I'm still some distance away. They've rebuilt it. Why would they rebuild a school over the Hellmouth? I shake my head, unable to comprehend the folly that is Sunnydale town planning.

I give up my wandering around town and head back to the lab. I spend the afternoon reading my way through what's already known about what's been found, and suggesting further tests where that seems appropriate. It's getting dark when I get a call from Sam to say she's going for a drink with some of her fellow-diggers. She promises not to be late.

I consider what to do. There was a time when darkness meant patrolling - with the Initiative, or with Buffy. I have to admit, I really feel in need of a work out. I get myself out of the headquarters and walk the short distance to the nearest cemetery.

It feels good. It's been a while since our last bit of active duty. We've spent the past three months at the base, training new recruits, and I've been getting rusty. I stake a couple of vampires easily, and remember watching Buffy at work.

I must have been out for a while, I don't know. I don't feel any inclination to look at my watch. I hear a voice, and I'm drawn to it, unsure of its source at first. As I get closer, I wonder that I didn't recognise it before. It's her. It's Buffy, and she's doing her usual ongoing discussion with a vamp before she finishes him off. I stand out of the way, just watching the show. I love to watch her fight. I always did. It's only as she finally stakes her opponent that I see she's not alone. Spike's watching her, sitting on a raised tombstone, swinging his legs. He's giving her a critique of her fighting style, and she's listening.

"You're still giving away your intentions when you use your left. You're lucky he was just a fledgling, or he'd 've spotted it."

"You think you could do better, do you?" she asks.

"'Course I could. Next one, I'll show you."

I'm frozen to the spot. That's one thing I didn't expect. They're just talking, patrolling together, but the fact that Spike's still able to patrol is what surprises me. I was sure she'd have staked him by now. Or if not her, Giles or Xander. Xander. I remember him. I liked him. Had his head screwed on right about most things.

I decide to follow them. I've got to know what's happening. They patrol a bit longer, but it seems like a quiet night. They decide to give up and head home. They go to her house. They chat outside for a while. It's different from what I remember. It's more civil and less intimate than before. She invites him in, and he declines. Says something about meeting someone. She goes inside, calling for Dawn as she does so.

I keep my distance, hiding behind a large tree, but he's not fooled.

He walks towards me, slowly, but without hesitation.

"What're you doing back in good old Sunnydale?"

The voice sounds civil, but there's a background of malice that's unmistakable.

"That's classified," I tell him.

"Is it now? Well, you go about your business, and let Buffy go about hers. She doesn't need you snooping around right now. She's got enough to worry about without you turning up."

"Oh, and you're doing what, exactly? Still pretending to help? Still wanna be part of the Scoobies? You never will be, and do you know why? Because you're disgusting. You're evil. I should have staked you last time I saw you. But, do you know why I'm not going to do it now? Because, your existence is so pitiful, I think it'd be a kindness to take it from you."

He's looking at me, and the expression has none of the assurance that Spike has always had.

"Hm, not bad," he answers. "I've heard it done better, though. Even the Whelp can do it better. Listen, mate. I know what I am. I know what I've done, and I've got to live with that. Tell me though, can you live with what you've done?"

With that, he turns and walks away. I can't help thinking it would be so much more dramatic if he still wore that long leather coat he loved so much. Even so, he leaves me standing there, wondering what he means.


	17. Chapter 17 Watching and Waiting

****

Chapter 17 - Watching and Waiting

I've been watching him for days now. When I can't be there, I'm paying someone to watch him. And he hasn't put a foot wrong. I was so sure I'd catch him doing something - anything - that Buffy would hate, but I haven't.

I have to admit, that night in the Magic Box, I was almost convinced. He looked at me, and I almost believed that the reason he came back was to keep Dawn safe. He goes to work. He patrols alone, or with Buffy, or he sits with Dawn while Buffy patrols. 

They haven't asked me to sit with Dawn. They haven't asked Willow either. I'm feeling hurt by it, but Willow's more accepting. I've spent a lot of time with Willow lately - when I'm not on Spike watch.

He goes to work, and as far as I know, there hasn't been a single death in the school yet. He goes out some nights, after patrol, and has a few drinks. Sometimes to the Bronze, but only if he thinks he won't meet anyone he knows. Sometimes Willy's or another demon bar. But, as far as I can tell, all he does is drink. There's not even a suggestion that he's meeting someone to plan something. 

Tonight I paid off the private investigator I'd hired. He hasn't found out any more than I have. I'm still trying to pay my dad for the wedding that wasn't, and I'm paying the rent on my apartment, and I just can't afford it. I'm not saying I trust Spike, it's just that I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt for now. 

The interesting thing is that I know Riley's back in town. I don't think Buffy knows. I do know Spike spoke to him. I didn't hear the conversation, I didn't dare get that close. I don't think he's mentioned it. I wonder what Riley's doing back in Sunnydale. Whatever it is, it didn't seem to be anything to do with Spike.

I'm feeling a bit hurt that he'd come back and not look up old friends. I was his friend, right up to the end. I told her, Buffy, to run after him, to stop him going. It's just, I left it a few seconds to late.

So, as of tonight, I'm going to try to mend some fences. Not with Spike, it's way too soon for that. With Buffy and Dawn. I turn up at their house after work with pizza and every intention of finishing the decorating I started. 

Buffy looks pleased to see me and I feel happier than for a while. I hate not being on good terms with my friends. We eat, and I start to go upstairs. With any luck, I'll be finished by the time patrol's over. Buffy says that Giles is coming over to sit with Dawn, and I tell them to let Giles stay at home. I can cover Dawn-sitting and decorating duties at the same time. Buffy looks dubious for a few moments, and I can see the silent Summers communication going on. Somehow, Dawn must have given Buffy a thumbs up, because Buffy agrees. She phones Giles to tell him of the changed arrangements.

Spike comes to the door, ready to go patrolling. I've watched them lately. There's been no sign of a resumption of their earlier activities. No touching, other than in a 'let me help you up' sort of way. She's ready when he arrives, so he doesn't come in, just promises Dawn he'll see her at school the next day. They go off, and Dawn goes back to the TV. I had hoped she'd come and talk to me as I work, but the allure of whatever she's watching is obviously too strong. Then again, she may have agreed to me sitting with her on the assumption that I wouldn't actually be sitting with her.

It takes so little time to finish upstairs that I wonder why I left it unfinished in the first place. The room looks good. Feminine, but not frilly. She's chosen aquamarine colours for the walls, and a darker, almost teal for the carpet. She's going to buy some new furniture, too. She told me she's already saved enough for a new bed, and the rest will be bought as she puts the money aside.

When I've finished, I go downstairs. Dawn doesn't speak when I go in. She's still mad at me. "Dawn," I start, trying to keep the begging tone out of my voice. "Look, Dawn," she turns to face me and the look is barely contained impatience. "I'm sorry about what happened with Spike. Really. I was just trying to keep you and Buffy safe. That's all I care about."

"If you had killed him," she says, coldly, "then according to what Giles and Spike said the other night, I would die."

"I know what they said. And I said I'm sorry. Please, Dawn, friends?"

I know I'm begging. She's a child, and I'm begging. It's not a pretty sight. I think she realises it too, because there's a ghost of a smile on her face when she answers.

"Maybe, but you're going to have to stop having a go at him. He's really upset about the soul and things. He's having to face things from his past, and he doesn't need you adding to that."

"Dawn, I don't like Spike. I never have. Maybe, the best I can do is to ignore him. If that's how it is, that's what I'll do. But, the first time I get any sign that he's hurting anyone I love, the truce is off. I mean it."

She nods, that teenager nod that says, "Yeah, yeah, I know, but I've stopped listening."

Ok, I think. First bridge rebuilt. Still pretty rickety, but built. Buffy? I think she sort of understands. That bridge never burnt all the way through, but it needs serious repair work. Spike? No bridge ever built, and no reason to start one now.

I think about the other night. Seeing Anya. That hurt. It hurt seeing her so together. She's going back to the way she was, except I'm not in her life any more. She's going to fit in running the shop with being a vengeance demon.

Suddenly, I'm surrounded by demons. The woman I loved, no, love, is a demon. One of my best friends is a demon. It's almost like being human is going out of fashion.

I remember my recent chats with Willow. She still feels so bad about what happened. She went crazy with grief and tried to end the world. She thinks she's got as much to be sorry for as Spike. I tried to tell her that's not true, but she just smiled that strange, gentle smile that she uses so often these days. It's as if Tara's taken her usual smile with her, and left her with one that kind of under-powered.

I think about this orb of fire thing. Another threatened apocalypse. Well, we've prevented them before, I guess we'll do it again. But, Dawn's the cure for the next one by the sound of it. Maybe the rest of us won't even be needed.

I hear the front door opening, and I realise Buffy's back. I glance at the time and realise Dawn should be in bed. I look up guiltily as she comes in, Spike reluctantly following. I heard her insisting that he come in. He spots me, and his shoulders square up. I don't even think he knows he's doing it. 

"Dawn, what are you doing up?" Buffy asks.

"Buffy, it's Friday night. I can stay up later on a Friday, can't I?"

"A bit later, but …."

"Please. Are you going to make some hot chocolate? 'Cos, I'd really like some."

I hear the wheedling in her voice, and smile to myself when I hear Buffy give in. "Ok, Dawn. Hot chocolate, then bed. You want some?"

The question's addressed at Spike and me. He answers yes, and I do the same. I might not be watching him any more, but that doesn't mean I'm going to turn down opportunities like this.

When she comes back, Buffy tries hard to get a conversation going. The silence is strained, and in the end, I come to her rescue. I'm not much good at coming to her rescue in a cemetery, but this requires words rather than muscle.

"So, how's the job, Spike?"

He looks at me, surprise and caution in his eyes. "It's good," he replies. "Nothing too difficult to deal with so far."

Dawn snorts at this, starting to laugh. "That's so not true. You know you've got half the senior class lining up outside your door wanting to report things to the security officer. They're all, like, swooning. You're going to have to start fighting them off."

"Dawn," Buffy warns.

Dawn looks anything but contrite.

"It's true. Mary Perkins and her cheerleader cronies fall over their feet if they meet him in the corridor. It's because they're not looking where they're going, they're looking at Spike's …"

"Dawn, stop it. You're exaggerating, and you know it."

Spike has been squirming a little while Dawn was speaking. It's almost like he can't decide how to react. There's the old Spike who'd see a bit of female adulation as his due. Then there's the one who feels responsible for Dawn, and he wasn't happy about what she was saying.

I turn the conversation to Buffy, and she tells me a bit about her week. She's remembering something funny that happened, and I'm watching Spike. She's not looking his way, and he can't take his eyes off her. It's hard to watch. I don't know what he feels for Buffy. I mean, demons can't love, can they? But it's strong, whatever it is. 

Our drinks are drunk, and we two of the male variety get up to go. Buffy follows us outside, seeing us both into our cars. It's like she doesn't trust us to go home without inflicting bodily harm on each other.

She goes inside when she sees us both safely encased in metal and glass. As I drive away, I spot someone lurking across the road. I know who it is immediately. It's Riley. I just wonder if Spike spotted him too.

****


	18. Chapter 18 A Near Miss

__

Ok, there has to be something wrong here. Two updates in two days? It's just that this story's going well. I've actually got another four chapters in draft form, but I suspect some of them will need some serious editing!

__

Darryl, you got your daily update, this time at least.

dustyvamp, yes, I want more B/S too, but I'm trying to make it realistic. If you've read anything else I've written, you know I'm B/S through and through. It will happen, I'm just not saying when.

Haley and Sport, I'm sorry you don't like Riley, but he is necessary to the story.

Teri, I am trying to make Xander a bit more likeable. By going into his mind, I'm trying to show that he does what he does for the best of reasons. Sorry if that's not coming off, I'll try a bit harder for the next Xander chapter. (Not sure when that will be, maybe not for a while.)

t_geyer, As always, your comments are interesting. I'm not saying any more.

To everyone who has reviewed this, many thanks. I've broken my record for reviews on this one, and I'm really chuffed! I'm not sure when I'll update again, as we've got family visiting this weekend, and next week is a busy one for pre-Christmas socialising and other, more mundane matters. So, I'll just have to keep you guessing.

Chapter 18 - A Near Miss

I'm putting my things in my locker at the end of another day. All in all, High School could have been worse, but today has not been good. I'm working with two others on a science project, and we weren't allowed to choose groups. I got landed with Josh Handley and Dave Buerk. They think they're a comedy act, they really do. Anyway, even though I've been working hard on the things I have to do, Mr. Winston decided the project was failing, and we need to work on it tonight. I told him it wasn't my fault, but he said that with my record, he found that hard to believe.

Oh, I was so angry. Buffy would be too, if she knew. Not that I'm going to tell her, though, because, the last thing I need is to end up with the rep of getting my sister to fight my battles for me. So, now I'm stuck with those two clowns in the science lab for a couple of hours.

I had to tell Buffy about staying late, of course, and she didn't look happy. I almost felt a grounding coming on, so I pointed out the work I'd already done on the project, and she eventually agreed that I hadn't been slacking. She offered to talk to Mr. Winston, but I asked her not to. She just shrugged, and said she had plenty to keep her busy. I also noticed the way she headed straight for Spike's office when she finished talking to me. They're taking this joint responsibility thing very seriously. I mean, there was a time Buffy would have yelled at Spike for even suggesting she needed him for anything. Not that that stopped her asking for help when she needed it.

I smile when I think of earlier today. I heard Mary Perkins sounding off in the toilets earlier. She's obviously gone off Spike in a big way. I don't know what he's done, but I'm gonna find out. I should have known he'd do something after I told Buffy what was going on. Oh, it must have been good, to hear her talking about him now. 

I reach the science lab, and, surprise, surprise, I'm all alone. I go in, and start to get things set up. I'm so involved in what I'm doing that I almost missed it. There's a noise, a slight scratching in the distance. I look up, trying to identify the source of the sound. I gasp as I see it, a huge shadow, it's coming round the door towards me. I scream, wondering if Spike will hear, and then hear two idiots dissolve into convulsive laughter.

Another practical joke. I don't believe it, and as usual, Winston's not here to see it. I'm so angry, I can hardly speak.

"Did you hear that scream?" Dave gets out between bouts of incapacitating laughter.

The laughter halts suddenly as footsteps approach. Mr. Winston is standing there, his glasses too far down his nose, and his frown almost obliterating his eyes. "You two, are coming with me to the Principal's office now. Wait outside." He turns to watch them leaving, then faces me. "And Miss Summers, I had been told that your behaviour was now better. It seems I have been misinformed. That scream was completely out of order as a reaction to such a childish prank. However, in view of this incident, I am going to relieve you of the necessity to work with those boys. You will work alone, and I will not accept any excuses regarding the quality of your project on the grounds that it is a solo effort. I will assign them alternative time to complete their work, as I suspect the Principal will have something with which to fill their time this afternoon. You may carry on now."

At least half a dozen times while he was speaking, I tried to explain, to tell him that I was really frightened by what happened, but Winston has a way of carrying on regardless, not allowing interruptions. By the time he's finished, I realise that I'm best to say nothing. How can I explain to him why I'm so jumpy? Telling him that I'm this mystic ball of energy that's due to avert an apocalypse is really likely to impress him, now isn't it?

He leaves me to get on with my work, taking the others to see the Principal. Too soon he's back, going into his office at the back of the lab. He can look out of there and see what I'm doing, so it's kind of like being in a goldfish bowl. I pick up where I left off. I'm actually relieved. Sure, it would have been more fun to work on this with some people who were actually willing to contribute, but this way, at least I know where I am.

Next time I look at my watch, I'm surprised to see that my two hours are almost up. Winston's been watching me, but hasn't interfered at all, so it seems he approves. I'm just about finished. I mean, I'm going to have to write the report, but I've got all the information I need, so I start to pack up. Looking at my watch, I know Buffy will be expecting me, unless she's been side-tracked by something. I hear footsteps approaching, and I bend down to pick up my bag from the floor. When I look up, I see, not Buffy, but three, no, five vampires.

"There she is," the one in the lead tells the others. "You know what we've got to do."

They walk towards me, and I drop my bag and start to back away from them, towards Winston. He comes out as soon as he sees what's happening, spluttering at the intrusion. They ignore him.

"Hey, boss, why did they send us to get her? She's only a girl, even if she is the Slayer's sister."

"I guess they just wanted to be sure."

My back is against the wall, and I'm screaming. I remember with despair when I screamed before. Only Winston heard, and he's not going to be a lot of use against these. I scream again, but the closest is reaching out a hand to me. He's stroking my face, and the others are grinning stupidly.

"Such a pity he told us not to play. We could have had such fun."

Winston tries to get to me, crazy man actually thinks he can stop them. One of them reaches out to him, snapping his neck in a single movement, and drops the lifeless body to the floor.

I try to scream again, but something's wrong with my voice. "Why did he say we couldn't drink?" one asks.

"I don't remember," the leader replies. "But it can't hurt to have a little drink, can it?"

With a horrifying leer, he pushes my head over, turning his own head to bring his fangs down to my neck. I feel the sharp pain as they pierce my neck, then feel the blood flowing into his mouth, and down my neck, onto my sweater. My heart's hammering in my chest, louder and louder. I close my eyes to banish the picture of the creature in front of me, and I see red. The red's getting darker, and darker, and …

*-*-*

I'm doing a walk around, checking for anything out of the ordinary. It's been a quiet day, well, unless you count that little bint coming to my office, and locking us in. I couldn't believe the nerve of her. I felt like teaching her a lesson, I really did. Coming in, looking for trouble, I've seen too many of her type before. I've killed too many. 

I was deliberately dense. Pretended I didn't know what she was offering, and treated her like she was a little girl. I managed to get between the door and her, listening to her splutter her indignation, and walked out. She hadn't been in there more than a minute.

She stalked out after me, and I made a note to fix my door so that it can't be locked from the inside without a key. The last thing I need is for someone to try that again, and someone to think I engineered it. If that happens, Buffy'd never let me near Dawn again, and I can't protect her if I'm not around.

I'm just checking the basement, and I've found something. Someone has broken through the wall next to the boiler room. For some reason, the wall there is only made of plasterboard, and it leads to the infamous Sunnydale tunnel system. As soon as I notice that, I smell blood. I follow the scent, and go into the corridor. There's a door opened a few yards along from the boiler room. I remember the Principal saying there were some boxes in there that needed to be unpacked and sorted. I go in, and see two, twisted bodies. They're students here, or at least they were. I recognise the faces, even if I don't know their names. It doesn't take a genius to work out that they're dead, and that they were killed by vampires.

I start to walk away, thinking I'd better check on Dawn, when I feel it. It grips me in my stomach, and I start to run. Dawn is afraid, and I feel it like my own fear. I follow the sensation, running faster, remembering the nearest staircase, going up it two, no, three steps at a time.

As I reach the ground floor, I feel her terror intensifying. I increase my speed. I round the last corner, skidding as I do so, grabbing onto the wall to pull myself around, and down the corridor. I go into the science lab, and I see them. There are five of them. Four are watching, laughing, getting a kick out of seeing my Bit having her blood drained, and the fifth is …

I launch myself at the first, and then things become blurry. I mean, I see what's happening, it's just like it's happening to someone else. The detail's gone, it's just an all-consuming need to get to Dawn.

The next thing I see clearly, dust is falling around me, and Dawn is in my arms. She's so pale, and her heartbeat is weak. I stumble to my feet, lifting her as I do so, and head towards the car park. I almost stumble over the body of a man. I hadn't even noticed him before. All I could see was Dawn. He's obviously dead, beyond help, so I ignore him.

As I turn the corner towards the front entrance, I almost bump into Buffy. 

"Dawn," she screams.

"She's still alive, but she's lost a lot of blood. I'm taking her to hospital."

She nods, her skin almost as pale as her sister's. She follows me, and when we get to my car, I tell her to take my keys from the pocket of my jacket.

"Get in," I tell her as she opens a door to the back seat. I place Dawn in with her, her head on Buffy's lap, and run round to the driver's door.

As I pull out, she gasps, "What happened?"

"Vampire attack. There were five of them. It looks like they got two others before they went upstairs. I found two bodies in the basement. And, one of the science teachers. He was dead in the lab."

I can still hear her, although she's no longer talking to me. She's crooning at Dawn, telling her she's going to be ok, telling her she's on her way to hospital, telling her she's safe.

Safe. I've let her down again. I was nearly too late, I may have been too late. I feel the cold, clammy feeling of fear inside me. She can't die. The Bit can't die, and I'm not in the least concerned with the fate of the world. She can't die because Buffy couldn't take it. I couldn't take it.

I stop in a screech of brakes outside the hospital, and run around to help Buffy out of the car. She takes Dawn this time, reluctant to allow me to take the burden. As we're going inside, someone tells me to move the car. Can't they see we've got an emergency going on? He's insistent. Dawn's on a trolley now, and the medical staff has taken over, Buffy running along behind. Mr. Move-Your-Car isn't about to get out of the way, so it's either hit him or do as he's telling me. I very nearly go with the hitting him option.

I move the car to the car park as quickly as I can, and run into the building. I see Buffy, standing at a desk where someone's asking questions. The usual things - name, address, medical history. Buffy's answering as well as she can, but she keeps looking along the corridor. At last, the questioner seems to realise she's not going to get any more, and we're released. We continue along the corridor, stopping outside a room with glass panels in the walls. Inside, we can see Dawn, surrounded by the team of people who are trying to save her life. As Buffy tries to open the door, she's stopped again, told to wait outside, pointed in the direction of some chairs.

I put an arm around her, and lead her to the suggested area. She's shaking, I can feel the tremors as I lead her away. We sit down, and she doesn't pull away, so my arm stays around her shoulders.

She's looking at her hands, and they're in perpetual motion. Rubbing, scratching, entwining, over and over. The only thing that's keeping me sane is the contact. I know I shouldn't be touching her, but I know she needs to be touched. It's grounding both of us. 

I don't know how long we sit there, silent, fidgeting, wishing for news as long as it's good. At last, someone approaches.

"Miss Summers?" She's a doctor, I saw her in that room with Dawn before we were told to get out of the way.

Buffy stands up, and I follow.

"How is she?" Her voice is barely more than a whisper.

"She's lost a lot of blood. We're transfusing her now. She should be ok, but I've got to say, if she had lost any more blood, or if you'd wasted any time getting her here, I doubt I'd be able to say that."

"Can I see her?" Buffy's voice is less even than before.

"You can go in for a minute, but she's unconscious, and I think she'll stay that way for the rest of the night. Put your mind at rest with a quick peek, then go home and get some sleep is what I'd advise."

"I'd rather stay," Buffy insists.

The doctor nods, and leads us into the room where Dawn lies, blood dripping into her arm. She's still so pale, she looks dead, but I can hear her heart beat, and it's noticeably stronger than before. 

We sit for a while, just watching her, listening to her breathing, but then we're hustled out again. They're going to move her to a room, and we're in the way again.

We leave, returning to where we waited before. "Can you call Giles and Willow, ask them to call Xander? Let them know what's happened."

I nod, but I'm reluctant to leave her. I make sure she's sitting where I can see from the phone before I go to make the call. While I'm there, I call the authorities about the other bodies.

When I get back, we're given Dawn's room number, and we make our way there. My arm's around her shoulder again, and again, she's not pushing it away.

We go in, and it's a relief to see her without the tubes. She looks like she's sleeping peacefully, just the dressing at her neck to show for her ordeal.

"What happened?" Buffy asks, without taking her eyes off her sister.

"Found two bodies in the basement. I was on my way to check on her, when I knew she was scared. I ran, and found five vampires. One was feeding. What happened then isn't too clear, but when they were dust, I picked her up, and then bumped into you."

She's quiet for a while, then looks at me, a puzzled look on her face. "How did you know she was scared?"

I shrug, trying to find the words to describe the sensation. "It felt like I was scared. A clenching in my stomach, feeling slightly sick. But I knew it was Dawn."

"Funny, just before I left my office to try and find her, I felt a bit sick. I thought it was just something I'd eaten. Do you feel like that for anyone who's scared?"

I think about that. As a vampire, you feel fear, and it's a bit like I described, without the nausea. The demon loves to feel that, it's not too fussed whether it's the host who's scared or someone else. Either way, you get a huge buzz. Since I've been back, I have still felt that, the general feeling of fear, but only when I'm close to someone. In another room, or even across the street, I wouldn't pick up on it. "No," I answer, "I mean, I can tell if someone's scared, if they're close. But at that distance, it's only happened with Dawn."

We're silent again, but it's a silence based on comparative peace, rather than panic. Soon, the door bursts open, and Giles and Willow come in. As soon as they do, Buffy jumps up, running to them and hugging them. She sits again, but this time, she doesn't sit next to me.

I repeat the story, this time giving Giles all the details he needs. Willow looks shaken, listening to everything I say. Within five minutes, Xander crashes in. He takes in the group around the bed, Buffy surrounded by Willow and Giles, and me sitting apart. He takes a chair from beside me, and goes over to the others. The inevitable question is asked, and the answer is given.

To my surprise, he doesn't start yelling at me. He looks at me, as if he's trying to see into my mind, trying to get a direct line to my memory. It's obvious that Buffy's planning on spending the night, and the conversation shifts to who should stay with her. No one asks me if I want to be there. In the end, Giles agrees to stay, and Xander offers to take Willow home. They stand to leave, and Xander looks pointedly at me. 

"We're going now," he states unnecessarily. 

I ignore him, turning to Buffy. "Are you going to be ok?"

"Yeah, I think so. She's going to be ok. You go home and get some sleep. You'll have enough to do tomorrow without being here all night."

It's a dismissal, and I recognise it. I don't want to go, but she doesn't seem to want me here. If there had been any hint that she had, nothing would have moved me from her side.

Xander escorts me to my car, at least that's how it feels. It looks like he doesn't trust me not to go back as soon as his back's turned.

I drive back to school. I've got work to do. I need to arrange to have the basement secured. Then, I'll have to find out if there are any other walls on the school plan which don't actually exist.

Inevitably, while I drive, I think. I've always felt something for Dawn. I don't really understand it. I know it wasn't just because of Buffy. I've felt protective of the Niblet from the first time I saw her. I think she reminds me of my own sister a little. Eyes, hair colour and the shape of her nose. Then, there's the attitude too. She was about Dawn's age when Drusilla got her hands, or should I say her fangs, on me. I remember Katherine better than all the rest of my family. We were close. She used to come to me when she was scared. She really thought I was important. Strong. Brave. I wasn't any of those things, but my little sister thought I was. I was her hero.

It's after midnight before I get away from the school. I managed to get someone in to do a temporary fix on the wall, and did a survey of the rest of the walls. I found another four places where there doesn't seem to be any wall behind the plasterboard.

I head out to do a quick patrol on the way home. To my surprise, I meet Xander and Willow in one of the cemeteries. Xander claims to be surprised that I would bother without Buffy. Willow says nothing. I ignore him, and leave them to get on with it. Well, not exactly leave them. I stay where I can hear if they're in trouble. I know Buffy couldn't cope if one of then got hurt, but there's not much about tonight. I hear them agreeing to call it a night, and follow them back to Xander's car. When I'm sure they're safe, I head home.


	19. Chapter 19 – Watching and Sleeping

****

Chapter 19 – Watching and Sleeping

I'm feeling the relief in every part of my body. She's going to be ok. It was close. Too close. Even with me working at the school, she nearly didn't make it. She wouldn't have made it if it hadn't been for Spike.

I know it's not the first time I've had reason to thank him, but it's so much bigger than anything else. He's given me back my sister. I feel guilty too. The thing is, I finished my work twenty minutes before I left my office. One of the English teachers, Steve Jenssen, came in for a chat. He started by suggesting I keep a particular eye on one of the students, but that was just an excuse. He just wanted to chat to me. He even went so far as asking if I wanted to see a movie with him. 

It's been so long since I've had someone show that sort of interest in me. Unless you count Spike, of course, but he was never into the 'Movie and Dinner' type of date. Come to think of it, he might have been, but I never gave him the chance. There was Richard at my party last year, but he really wasn't my type. Steve was very different. True to his name, he's a Nordic type - tall, blonde, blue eyed. He plays just about every sport invented. I suppose, physically, he's a bit like Riley. It did me good to see he's interested. It's not good in other ways. I don't feel up to embarking on a relationship just now, even without the added need to protect my sister. I'm going to have to get used to so much, I'm different, and Spike is too. I don't want to muddy things up by introducing another person to the mix. So, I told Steve I couldn't see a movie with him, but I get the feeling he's not going to give up.

I watch Dawn, sleeping peacefully. I don't know what I'd have done if she had died. The funny thing is, it would have destroyed Spike too. If I ever doubted his feelings for my sister, I couldn't after tonight. He was as scared as I was. 

I think back. After he described how he knew Dawn was scared, I knew I felt it too, I just didn't recognise it. After that, though, I felt it again, but I knew it was Spike's fear I was feeling. Somehow, something has linked the three of us.

It's just Giles and me now. The others have gone, and I'm glad. Except, I wish Spike was here. Giles is great, but somehow, his presence isn't as comforting as Spike's was. I don't understand it. There was a time when it would have been different.

Spike wanted to stay. I know he did. But, Xander would have made a fuss, and I couldn't take that tonight. So, I told Spike to go. It's like before. I'm too weak to stand up to my friends, and he takes the brunt of it. He was hurt, I saw it on his face. The difference from before his soul was that he wasn't angry. He took the rejection as his place, and that almost broke my heart.

Giles knows I don't need chatter. He's been listening as I've told him how scared I was, but he hasn't felt the need to talk to me. Now the drama is over, I know I should ask him how the research is going.

"I've found another passage," he says in response to my question. "The first couple of books I found only had restatements of what I had already found. Earlier today, Anya brought me a copy of volume eight. It had some further writing, but it's pretty cryptic. I'm not sure I understand all of it."

"So, what does it say?" I ask.

"Well," he pulls a folded sheet of paper from the pocket of his jacket, and reads.

"There will come a time when the key must be hidden from those who wish to expend its power before due time. The Key will be given human form, but the human chosen for the task will live out of her time. She will be given to those who will protect her with everything that they are."

"Not so cryptic," I tell him, taking the paper from his hand and reading it again . "I mean, we already know that. The Key was hidden, and Dawn was the human they made to hide it. She was given to me because they knew I would protect her."

"But what about the statement that she will live out of her time? What about her being given to those, not one person, but those, who will protect her?"

"It just means all of us. You, me, Willow, Xander, and Spike."

"I think it's simpler than that. I think it means you and Spike. He's a major player in this. I don't understand why, but he is. He certainly wouldn't have been my first choice if I had to give the job of protector of the innocent to someone."

"Giles, I don't know why either, but you can't fault what he did today. He knew she was scared. If he hadn't recognised that, she would be dead. He saved her life today."

He doesn't say anything to that. I can see he's thinking about the implications of what has happened. It certainly means that Dawn can't be allowed to get far from us.

We sit quietly for a while longer, and I can tell by the way he's fidgeting that he's got something on his mind.

"What is it?" I ask. "You're squirming in that chair. I know it's not the most comfortable seat in the world, but you're not usually so squirmy."

He takes a deep breath, apparently deciding whether or not to tell me. I can see he's considering not saying anything else, but then I see the realisation that he knows I won't let it drop. I'll keep pestering until I find out.

"Buffy, since we heard from Spike about the changes in, well, in both of you, I've wanted to do some tests. I'd like to check both of you out in terms of strength, speed, agility and so on. Similar to the standard Slayer appraisal tests that I've done before."

"No problem, Giles. But that's not what was on you mind, was it?"

"Well, partly. There's another series of tests I'd like to have done. I have a contact. He's a doctor, but he's also interested in the non human population of Sunnydale. He's helped me on things before. I'd like him to do a complete physical on both of you. See what's changed. It's important that we understand your new strengths and weaknesses. You never know when it might be important. And, ..."

"And, ..." I mimic him. This is the crunch.

"And, I'd like to do the same with Dawn."

"But why? She's human. The spell proved that."

"Yes, she is. The reason I want her included is as a baseline. She's your nearest blood relative. I want to compare her with you. I need to understand how you would be if these changes hadn't happened. I know you were the Slayer before, and if we could get some DNA from then, that would be ideal, but even with that, the information I can get from Dawn will be essential."

"I'm not the person you need to ask. It'll be up to Dawn. And Spike, for that matter, since you need to get him tested, too."

"Naturally I'll ask them. I just wanted to get your approval first."

"Well, I can't really argue with the logic. It does make sense that we understand our capabilities now."

We sit in silence for a while, contemplating the young woman on the bed. I remember when she came home for the first time. I remember her excitement on her first day at school. I remember her childhood, the times she spent with Mom and Dad. And none of it was real. 

Giles heads off to get some coffee, and I put my head on Dawn's bed, pulling her hand into mine. I'm surprised how tired I am. I know I'm drifting off, but I don't care.

*-*-*

I come back bearing two cups of coffee, and find Buffy sleeping with her head on Dawn's bed. It's good to see her sleep. She was so tense earlier, not surprising really. Naturally she was frantic with worry about her sister. But I felt so inadequate. It's the Watcher's role to watch while others do the fighting and dying.

I almost let her see what was on my mind. I thought she was so wrapped up in relief about Dawn that she wouldn't see my guilty conscience. Just as well I had the whole thing about the tests to tell her about. I've been meaning to mention it for a while, but, with everything else that's happened, it kept being forgotten.

The thing is, I've exhausted my contacts regarding the remaining volumes of the Bartholomew Texts. The only other option I've got is the Council of Watchers. I know Buffy won't like the Council knowing anything about Dawn. They never did find out that she was the Key, and they're not going to now.

I've come to the conclusion that I need access to the Council library. Now, if I fly over there, someone is going to ask some questions. And most of the people I could ask to check for me, will report my interest to people I'd rather not be involved at all. Then I remembered Jimmy Donaldson. He's a friend of sorts. I mean, he's not someone I've ever socialised with. He's very, well, down to earth is Jimmy. But, he's good. He can find his way through ancient texts like no one else I know. Thing about Jimmy is, he's not interested in the whole picture. He gets so involved in the detail, he never actually understands what is really going on.

I'm sure I could come up with a good enough cover story to get him to check the texts I'm interested in. And, he'd do it, and send me the results without worrying about it. I know he would. I'm so sure, I had intended to call him in the morning. I think I still will.

I spend some time watching these two girls sleep. Buffy's been like a daughter to me for a long time. And Dawn, well, I know I have memories of her from before she existed, but she's my other daughter. The thought that Dawn could have died today, and what that would have done to Buffy, is enough to scare me. I've already lived in a world without Buffy. As the Slayer, she came with a short expiry date. The recent information received courtesy of Spike suggests that she may do better that the others, but there is no guarantee. And I'd like to think that I'll die an old man and leave Buffy and Dawn to mourn me. That is as it should be.

What did surprise me was Spike. Maybe it shouldn't have surprised me. I remember the night Buffy died. He was broken. The rest of us, well, except Dawn, we were bereaved, wondering how life could go on without her. But we knew it could. Spike and Dawn weren't like that. They were completely torn apart by her death, and I don't think either of them would have survived without the other.

Seeing Spike tonight was a little like seeing Spike after that awful day at the tower. It shocked me. The Council has always insisted that demons cannot feel the finer human emotions. I started to reconsider that dogma when I saw his reaction to Buffy's death. Then, knowing that Buffy is no longer human, that sealed if for me. I don't know how general my new theory is, but I know that demons can love. Two of them at least.

The connection between the three of them is surprising. They're like a family. It hurts a little. I consider Buffy and Dawn to be my family, the daughters I never had, but with Spike there, I don't feel I belong any more. I think that's what upsets Xander so much. He feels his rightful place has been usurped, but maybe it was never his in the first place.

Now, there's a surprising thought. It almost implies that Spike is meant to be central in their lives. Now, that's something I'd rather not consider right now. 

****


	20. Chapter 20 Convalescence

****

Chapter 20 – Convalescence

It's so good to be home. I don't believe they only kept me in hospital for two days. And, I get to stay off school until next week! Yay!

Xander took time off work to take Buffy to collect me. I wish it had been Spike, but Buffy said he had to work. 

It's not like I haven't seen Spike. He's visited me, normally when he thinks none of the others (except Buffy) will be there. He makes me laugh. He tells me silly stories about his past, and about school. The stories he used to tell me, the ones where he killed, they're not included. I guess they hurt him too much now.

Buffy wanted me to go to bed when I got here, but I pleaded, and managed to persuade her that I can recuperate perfectly well lying on the sofa with the TV remote in my hand.

She hasn't been to work since the attack. She says the Principal understands because she's my sister. I guess he wouldn't understand about Spike. I mean, he's not family or anything.

They don't talk a lot. When Spike visited me, they both concentrated on me, and didn't talk to each other much. They might not be fighting any more, but they're being too careful. It's like they hardly know each other. They're both scared to disturb the peace that exists between them.

Xander's coming over after work. He's trying hard to be nice, I can see that. He's even stopped making snide comments about Spike. Well, most of the time. I think it's just too much of a habit now.

I spend the afternoon watching TV, amazed to find that I'm bored. How often have I wished to have a day to spend lazing like this, only to have my wish granted? Of course, it would be better if I could actually do something, but every time I get up, Buffy shoos me back to the sofa with threats of bed!

She's spending the afternoon catching up on laundry and other things that got neglected with her almost living at the hospital with me.

"What do you want for dinner?" she asks, coming up from the basement with an armful of newly laundered towels. 

"Pizza?" I ask hopefully. She smiles at my response. I think she knew what I'd say.

"Ok, you want to make the call?" she asks, throwing the phone towards me.

"Xander too?"

"Yeah, he said he'd be here."

I phone and place the order, and as I put the phone down, Xander appears. He comes in, grinning, and walks straight over to me.

"How's the Dawnster, then?" he asks, planting a kiss on my forehead.

"Ok," I reply. I can't get used to him kissing me like that. It doesn't feel right. He didn't do that before, so why has he started now? I stiffen as he kisses me, and he notices. Now I've hurt his feelings! I didn't mean to, it's just, he's trying too hard. He thinks he should be my big brother, my protector. But that's Spike's job.

We eat the pizza, and for once, Buffy lets us eat it in front of the TV. Recently she's been insisting we eat either in the kitchen or in the dining room. I think it has to do with her whole 'make things better' drive. She wants to be a mom for me, and she wants to do things right.

She's clearing the things back into the kitchen when there's a knock at the door.

"That'll be Giles and Willow," Xander says, going to open the door.

"Since when have they knocked?" I ask myself, but I stay where I am.

I can hear Xander talking quietly, but can't make out who he's talking to. He calls Buffy, and now I'm really itching to know who it is. 

The next thing I know, someone is coming this way, and in walks ... Riley. I didn't see that coming.

"Hey, Dawn," he says. "You remember Sam, don't you?"

His wife comes into the room, smiling widely. I remember her, but I remember him more. 

"I hear you were attacked?" she says, coming to sit close to me.

"Yeah, but I'm fine now," I reply.

Riley takes a seat across the room, and Buffy offers to make coffee. Xander and Riley chat for a few minutes, while Sam mainly listens.

"So, what brings you to Sunnydale this time?" Xander asks.

"Government business," Riley replies. "I'm afraid I can't discuss the details. But, since we're here, I thought I'd look up some old friends."

"We're glad you did, aren't we Dawn?" Xander replies, looking at me for confirmation.

I never did like Riley too much. He and Buffy didn't belong together, and I'm just amazed it took her so long to see it. I try to smile an answer to Xander's question, but I don't think either of them actually expected one.

"So, what about the last time? Did you get everything sorted out?"

"Yeah, we did." It's Sam who answers. She's obviously not one to be sidelined in a conversation. "But, you wouldn't believe the merry chase we had finding all the rest of those eggs! We covered large parts of four states before we'd finished."

"I didn't think Spike had it in him," Xander comments. "I mean, planting the eggs all over like that."

"Spike?" Sam looks surprised. "Spike wasn't important. He was just keeping some eggs for someone else. Apparently he wanted money for something, and offered to help out. There was something funny about that, wasn't there? Honey?"

She looks at Riley, and notices for the first time that he's not comfortable with what she's saying. She looks confused. "What's the matter, Riley? It isn't classified. They know about it anyway. What was it Spike thought the eggs were for?"

Riley doesn't look well, but he covers. "Apparently he was told they were the latest in demon haute cuisine! Can you believe he'd be that stupid? The real Doctor was human. He had quite a racket going, too. He'd farmed the eggs out all over the place.

I sense movement at the doorway, and spot Buffy. I wonder how long she's been there, but not for long. Her face is unnaturally pale, but two red circles form on her cheeks. She's angry. 

"Why didn't you tell me?" she asks Riley.

"Tell you what?" Riley asks innocently.

"About Spike. Why didn't you tell me he wasn't responsible for the eggs?"

He's about to answer, but Sam gets in there before him.

"Why would you think Spike was responsible? We knew he was just a pawn when Riley went to retrieve the eggs."

I didn't think Buffy could get angrier, but she does. She doesn't speak for several seconds, and Sam is looking bemused. Riley's looking guilty.

"Why?" Buffy's question is directed at Riley who can't look at her. He doesn't answer.

"Why did you tell me he was the Doctor?"

Riley is still silent, but a glimmer of understanding forms on Sam's face.

"Riley wouldn't have said that. You must have misunderstood."

Buffy ignores her. "Why, Riley?"

Something breaks within him, and he looks up. "Because I could see what he was doing to you. Because he's not human. Because he's dead. Because he was bringing you down to his level. He screwed you on a tomb, Buffy! I had to do something. I had to stop it. And I happen to think it's one of the best things I've ever done!"

Xander's looking bemused at the whole exchange. Sam's looking angry, but Buffy's rage is like a physical presence in the room. "I think you'd better leave," she whispers, but there's no way anyone missed it.

Riley gets up, holding his hand out to his wife. Sam ignores it, and walks towards the door. 

"I'm sorry, Buffy," she says. "I'd have told you if I'd known what he said."

Buffy just nods, taking the other woman's hand for a second before standing back to allow Riley to pass. I can see her hands itching to hit him, but she restrains it.

When they're gone, Buffy starts to rant. The language she's using is a bit much for someone of my tender years. Xander's trying to reason with her, telling her he understands why Riley did what he did. It's not helping, and when Xander realises, he decides to leave.

"Will you be ok?" he asks me, retrieving his jacket.

"I'll be fine," I tell him. He looks really troubled.

When he's gone, Buffy slowly calms down. Unfortunately, as she calms, the tears start.

"Oh, Dawn, what am I going to do? It was hearing about the eggs that made me decide to finish things with Spike. That was what I used to keep him at a distance, and he was telling me the truth. All that time, he was telling me the truth, and I didn't believe him."

I get up off the sofa and go over to the chair where she's sitting. I sit on the arm of the chair, and put an arm around her. "Buffy, it's over. Whatever you said's been said, and Spike still loves you. I'm not saying an apology wouldn't be a good idea, but, that's all you can do now. It's not your fault. It's Riley's."

She's crying softly, but she nods. We sit like that for a while, before she realises I'm off the sofa. With an exasperated sigh, she hustles me back there, and goes out to the kitchen to clear up, leaving me with the TV for company.


	21. Chapter 21 The Painful Truth

****

Chapter 21 - The Painful Truth

Sam is mad at me, and I can't blame her. She didn't know I'd used our last visit to separate Buffy and Spike. She wouldn't understand it.

We drive back to the base in silence. When we arrive, she quietly walks into our quarters, picks up my toothbrush and a change of clothes and hands them to me.

"I think you should find somewhere else to sleep tonight," she says with an unnatural calm before turning her back on me and heading off to shower.

I know I was wrong not to tell her, but I don't see what else I could do. How could I explain how important it is to me that Buffy's not sleeping with a vampire? I couldn't cope with losing her because of a demon. I didn't know he was responsible at the time, that particular revelation only came later. She wouldn't believe I did it because of friendship, and she's already wary of my past with the Slayer, even though she's done her best to hide her insecurity.

The truth is that throughout our time together, the spectre of Angel hung over us. She was getting over him, I know that, and for a while I thought he was responsible for her not being able to love me. And, he might have been, at least partly to blame. Now, I know better. She always had a thing for Spike, and seeing the proof hurt worse than anything else ever has.

I picture Buffy's face tonight. I've never seen her so angry. I mean, Buffy's not exactly what you'd call 'even tempered'. I guess it all goes with the whole 'Chosen One' thing. But tonight, she was so angry that for a split second I actually feared for my life. But, instead of the expected violence, all I got was a coldness that was even more painful.

I want to talk to Sam, try to explain, but I know now's not a good time. I leave our quarters and head to an adjacent room I know is empty. I throw my meagre belongings inside and head back out. I'm tempted to go back to the lab, but the way I feel tonight, I'd only make mistakes.

As I drive, I try to think about the mission, and find myself recalling Sam's enthusiasm of earlier in the evening. She's spent the whole time we've been here painstakingly trying to unearth the object she found on her first visit to the dig site. Her description is certainly interesting. She says it's like one of those discharge globes you find in gift shops. You know, when you touch the transparent sphere, the green glow arcs to your finger. But, to find that in rock that's been undisturbed on thousands of years, well, it's amazing.

It's a sphere, and she estimates it's about ten inches in diameter. She says there's an occasional pinkish flash from it, but nothing too spectacular yet. She's hoping to finish unearthing it tomorrow, and she wants to bring it straight in. Of all the objects we've found at the site, this one sounds unique. Not that we've worked out what the others are. The materials seem to be polymers we've never seen before. They're certainly not Carbon-based. They have properties to die for. Strength and elasticity to rival steel. Optical purity to rival the best lenses we can make. If we can find out how to make these materials, we'll have a potential military advantage unparalleled in human history.

First indications are that the artefacts are not human in origin. It's hard to be sure when you don't know their purpose, but the current theory is that there was an advanced group of sub-T's living around Sunnydale before humans arrived. It's exciting, and I know I'm privileged to be involved. I just wish we hadn't had to come back to Sunnydale, and I can't wait to get out.

I find I've driven to a cemetery. Not any cemetery. Spike's cemetery. I wasn't actually giving any conscious thought to where I was going. Still, it seems like as good a place as any. I get out, and head for his crypt.

I kick the door and get my first surprise. It's locked. Since when has Spike locked his door? A few seconds later, I hear a voice from inside.

"Yes, can I help you?"

I don't recognise the voice, but I know it's not Spike.

"Where's Spike?" I demand.

"He's not here. He doesn't live here any more."

I'm not convinced, but I'm no longer able to force the door. Right now, I'd give a lot to have the increased strength of my time with the Initiative. The door's heavy, and my original kick hasn't made any impression on it. I give up, and start patrolling. I need to hit something, and if it can't be Spike, then I guess any demon will do. Anyway, this way, I can see if Spike comes back.

I walk for half an hour before I find a single vampire. He's rising from a grave in front of me looking bemused. I reach into my pocket for the stake that I keep on me all the time. We start to fight, and it looks like it's going to be an easy win for the good guys. I'm just raising my arm to stake the hapless creature, when I hear a sound from behind. The next thing I know, I'm jumped on by another vampire. I'm pulled off the first, and it's immediately obvious this newcomer isn't a fledgling. He knows what he's doing, and he lands hit after hit on my body. Then, strong arms are holding me, and the beating continues. I'm struggling to remain conscious, and only the thought that my life depends on it forces me to keep with it.

To my surprise, when it must be obvious that I haven't any reserves left, instead of killing me, I'm tied up, trussed like a turkey. The rope is attached to a handy marble monument, and I'm left to watch the goings on.

Apart from the fledgling, I knew there were two others. To my surprise, I now see there are six of them. They're all checking over my fledgling, relieved when they discover he's bruised but otherwise unhurt. As one, they turn towards me.

I look at the group of them. There are three males and three females. They're all dressed similarly, but then, jeans and a T-shirt is pretty much the standard uniform of a huge swathe of young Americans. The leader, a man, apparently similar in age to me, with dark hair, cut short, and the sort of face that almost screams 'movie star' at you, looks me up and down.

"Our brother is not seriously damaged. Just as well for you. Had he been, we would have had to make you suffer before you die. Now, you will simply be his first meal."

With that, my fledgling stood up, his legs obviously a little shaky, and makes his way towards me. He lifts me up, unhooking part of the rope that holds me to the monument, and pushes my head out of his way.

"I'd put him down, if I were you," a familiar voice chimes out. I wasn't really all that keen on dying tonight, but compared to this, death seems a perfectly reasonable option. The last thing I need is for Buffy Summers to save my life.

The fledgling drops me, and follows his friends as they circle her. I hear mutterings of 'It's the Slayer', and then watch as she systematically destroys them.

She's amazing. She always was, but tonight, there's a savagery about her that I've never seen before. It occurs to me that she's angry, and that I'm the cause, but if she's noticed who she's saving, she shows no sign.

When they are all reduced to dust, she turns to where I'm sitting, still bound hand and foot. She sees my face, and takes a step backwards.

"I should just leave you here," she tells me.

"But you won't," I reply. "You save people. It's what you do. You don't care who they are, you just save them."

She doesn't say anything, just pulls at the ropes that keep me bound then stands up and starts to walk away.

"Buffy, I'm sorry," I call after her.

She spins around, and I'm shocked at what I see. The anger is barely contained.

"No, you're not," she says, and I know she's right. Given the same circumstances, I would do the same thing. I close my eyes and for a second I'm back in Spike's crypt, seeing the two of them, naked under the cover on top of a sarcophagus. The nausea I felt then starts to rise, and I open my eyes quickly and shake my head to try to rid myself of the images that remain.

"You're right," I admit. "I'm not sorry. I'm not sorry that I care about you, and I'm not sorry that it killed me to see you throwing yourself away on that worthless demon. And I dare you to tell me that you're not feeling the same thing."

Her voice is quiet, yet it travels in the still night air. "You don't know a thing. You don't understand a thing. You're right though, because of what you told me, I stopped seeing Spike that night. I told him it was over. Now, maybe that was a good thing, because what we had wasn't healthy. But, do you know why that was? It was because of me. He wanted to love me, share everything with me, but I was too screwed up to be willing to give him anything. I took from him. I took his body and the pleasure it could give me. I took his sympathy, his understanding, and I gave him nothing in return. What I did to him broke him. Your interference only made sure I never got to put that right."

She pauses for a while. Her voice had been getting steadily louder as she spoke, but when she opens her mouth again, she's back to quiet.

"Do you know what he did?"

I shake my head. I don't know what she's talking about.

"Everything between us was based on violence. I used my strength to hurt him physically, and his love to hurt him emotionally. After I pushed him away, he tried to get me back. He did it by using my own tactics on me. He tried using violence - for the first time, he initiated the violence. When he realised what he'd done, that I wasn't responding the way he thought I would, he was so overcome with guilt that he left. He left Sunnydale and travelled to the other side of the world to get himself a soul."

I must have looked surprised, because she adds, "You heard me right. He got himself a soul. He endured trials, painful, agonising trials so he could have a soul. You know what he thought about Angel and his soul. You know how he hated the idea of having one, of having to cope with the guilt it would inevitably bring, but he still did it. He did it for me. To make him someone I could love."

She's crying now, and I want to comfort her, and move towards her, but she holds out an arm. "Don't you dare come any closer," she commands.

"And do you know what I realised while he was gone?"

I shake my head.

"I realised I loved him without the soul. I realised I had pushed away the one man who loved me completely. Without reservation, without wishing I wasn't the Slayer."

I can hardly believe what I'm hearing. Buffy's claiming she loved him. Yet, there's no sign they're together. So, maybe, I still did some good.

"Do you know what I remembered after I heard the truth about the eggs?"

"No."

"I remember, before you came back last time, Spike came into where I worked. Just like you did, but it was different. You came because you wanted help. He came in, just to see me, but he saw I wasn't happy working there. And I wasn't. I was so miserable. He told me to leave. I told him I needed the money. He said he could get money. You know, I never thought about that again, not until tonight. I called Clem before I came out, and he thinks my guess was right. He got involved with the eggs to get money for me. Now, I wouldn't have taken the money, but the fact remains, he did it for me."

She looks at her shoes for a minute, and I'm captivated by how vulnerable she looks. "Oh," she adds, "when I spoke to Clem, he told me someone had tried to kick down his front door. I take it that was you."

"Clem? Who's Clem?"

"He's a friend. He lives in Spike's old crypt."

"Oh, yeah, I did try to pay Spike a visit."

"Well, he doesn't live here any more. And, I promise you, Riley, if you lay one finger on him, I'll make you wish you hadn't."

Despite all the talk about loving him, I still can't believe she'd choose a demon over a human. "You can't be serious. You wouldn't do that."

"If there's one thing I've learned in the last few months, it's that there is no black and white in this world. I've found love and compassion, generosity and friendship among demons. Demons without souls. And I've found cruelty, selfishness and evil among humans with souls. Did you know Tara's dead? Killed by a human. Did you know that the man who killed her was killed by Willow. She pushed a bullet into him slowly, stitching his mouth together so she didn't have to hear him screaming. Then, she flayed him. She removed every inch of skin from his body before she killed him. And then, for an encore, she tried to kill Dawn, me, Xander, oh, and yes, she tried to end the world. So, I don't want to hear any more of your simplistic 'Demons are evil' crap. I've had more than enough of it to last a lifetime."

I'm stunned. I hadn't heard any of that. Willow, who'd have guessed?

She pauses then. It's as if she has something else to say, but she's not sure where to start. She takes a deep breath, and when she speaks, her voice is shaky.

"Something else for you to think about. When I came back, when Willow and the others brought me back, I was different. I knew it, although I didn't know why. It turns out, I'm not human either. Not any more. I've got a soul, I think, but otherwise, I'm one of those filthy demons you're so keen to eradicate. But, give credit where it's due," she says, tears spilling onto her cheeks. "What you did, the lie you made me believe, is at least part of the reason Spike and I will probably never be together. So, you did what you set out to do. You've kept me from the one man who can love me the way I need to be loved, the one man I could love. Who doesn't care who or what I am. Because, there's so much between us now, I don't know if we can ever get over it. But, as of tonight, I'm going to try. I'm going to see if we can get through this, because I think it's just the most important thing I can do just now."

With that, she turns and walks away. I consider following, but decide against it. I go back to my car, and consider what to do. I don't feel like going back to my lonely quarters. I remember Sunnydale from before. There were always places to drink in the early hours of the morning. They tend to have demons among the patrons, but, they're fairly peaceful just the same, so I head into town.

I walk into the dingy room and straight to the bar. I order a drink, and realise I've been here before. It was the night Buffy and I argued about her keeping me at arm's length over her mother's illness. It turned out that even Spike knew about it, but not me. So, here I am again, drinking because I fouled things up with Buffy.

Her last words to me are drumming in my skull. She thinks she's not human. I can guess who told her that. What I don't get, is why she believes him. Why would she believe a no good vampire, even if he's got a soul? And, has he even proved that? How do we know he didn't leave Sunnydale to set up something to kill her?

I'm startled by a hand on my shoulder. I spin around and see Xander. He's also got a drink in his hand, and he's motioning to the seat next to me.

"Feel like company, or do you want to get drunk alone?" he asks.

"Company's welcome, as long as it's human."

He sits, but neither of us speak for a while.

"So, what's up with you?" I ask him.

He shrugs, then answers, "The usual in this place. Women and demons."

"Which women, and which demons?" I ask.

"Now, oddly enough the same answer goes for both questions. Anya and Buffy."

"Don't tell me you're falling for that story about Buffy not being human? Where did it come from? As if I have to ask. And, why would you call Anya a demon?"

"I forgot you were out of the loop. Well, in order of it happening, I changed my mind about marrying Anya. I mean, I love her, but I was scared I'd turn out like my dad, and I'd end up hurting her. So, I walked away from the wedding."

He looks at me for a reaction, and he must see something on my face, because he goes on. "I know, I know, I'm a jerk. Thing is, Anya got the chance to go back to being a Vengeance Demon after that. And she accepted. The woman I nearly married is no longer human, but I still love her. I can't look at her without wanting to die inside when I realise what I've lost. But, enough about Anya. Now to Buffy. You're right, the news came from Spike. But, Giles got Willow to do a spell - one that lets you tell humans and demons apart. And, he's right. She's a demon. Something Giles's never heard of. What was it called? Eternal Souls or something. So, she and Spike are the same."

"But, Spike's a vampire, right?" I feel like I missed something important.

"Not any more," he replies, taking a long drink from his glass. "He's all comfortable with sunlight, and not fatally injured by wood in the heart. I should know, I managed to get a shot at his heart with a cross bow. He bled a lot, but no dustiness."

"You're wrong," I tell him. "You just missed his heart. You must have. Vampires don't change like that."

"Normally, you'd be right. It seems he couldn't take the soul. He dusted, and something sent him back. New body and everything. And, chipless, to boot."

This is more than I can take. Either something very strange is going on, or Spike's been doing some major brainwashing. "Are you sure the chip's gone?" I need to be sure.

"Sure as sure can be," Xander giggles as he says it. I think he's been drinking for a while. "When I went after him, he stopped me from staking him. Hurt me. Not bad, I admit, but he twisted my wrist, pushed me away. He couldn't do that before."

"But, how did you get away? You tried to stake him, so he tried to kill you, didn't he? Did Buffy save you?"

"She didn't need to. After I tried to stake him, he just stood there and waited until I put the cross bow bolt in his chest. After that, with all the blood, and not being able to stand, he wasn't in much shape to hurt me."

"So, what are you doing about it?"

"About what?" he asks, apparently confused.

"About Spike. He's having an unhealthy influence on her. And Dawn. Even if Buffy's not human, her sister is, and we've got to keep him away from Dawn."

"Kind of hard to do, considering he works at the school."

This whole situation is just getting worse. There are two demons working at Sunnydale High School, and who knows how many kids have died already.

"Have you told the Principal? The police?"

"Told them what? They're both so close to human, no one would believe me. I can't even tell them Spike tried to rape Buffy, because she won't back me up. Thing is, it's been ok."

He looks surprised at his last few words.

Now that wasn't what I expected. I know Buffy said something about Spike initiating violence, but I didn't think she meant that. Then I home in at the last sentence. "What do you mean, it's been ok?"

"I mean, up until when Dawn was attacked, there weren't any deaths at school. And those were vampires. And Spike saved Dawn from a whole bunch of them. It's as if, he actually cares. I didn't want to believe it, but I'm starting to … believe he's meant to be part of their lives. Never thought I'd say that."

It takes me several minutes and another drink before I'm ready to respond to that. "I can't believe you'd be taken in like this, Xander. You were always the one I knew felt right about this. I mean, Dawn's always had this thing about Spike, and Willow and Tara, they were always inclined to think he was worth saving or something. What about Giles? What does he think?"

"He's not saying too much. There's this prophecy, it says something's coming after Dawn and it'll take Buffy and Spike to keep her safe. So, I think he's tolerating him at the moment. I don't know how he really feels. Maybe he's just waiting to see what happens, I don't know."

"What about Anya?" I ask.

He sighs deeply. "That's the thing. If I got an idea she'd take me back, even a hint, I'd be there in a flash. I love her, demon or not, of I guess I'll take my chances. Which kinda makes me a hypocrite for wanting to save Buffy from Spike, doesn't it?"

I've heard enough, so I finish my drink. I'm not as drunk as I thought I'd be. I ask Xander if he's ready to go home. He shakes his head, and orders another drink. I head out, consider taking the car. I feel sober, but I'm probably not. I find a cab and get it to take me back to the base.

I'm tempted to go and try to talk to Sam, but a look at my watch tells me that wouldn't be a good idea. I head for my lonely bed, in my solitary room. I don't know what to do. For someone who's always prided himself on being decisive, on knowing the next step in his life, that's quite an admission. I love Sam. I love Buffy. Or at least, I did, before tonight. Can I love Buffy knowing she's not human any more? I don't know. I don't think I can, not really. I feel like I've finally lost her, and this time there's no getting her back. There's no future in loving a demon. I told her often enough, so it's time to take my own advice.

The thing is, can I put things right with Sam? I'm not even sure I know where to start.


	22. Chapter 22 Babysitting Dawn

****

Chapter 22 - Babysitting Dawn

__

Author's note: Chronologically, this happens **before** the last part of the previous chapter. I've tried not to do that elsewhere, but it seemed clumsy not to keep Riley's night together.

I know something's happened, but, uncharacteristically, the Bit's not telling. There was something different about Buffy tonight when I arrived for patrol. She seemed more subdued than recently. There was a time when the words 'subdued' and 'Buffy' wouldn't have belonged in the same sentence, but these days, they're right at home together.

Still, it's good to see Dawn at home again. She promised her sister she would get to bed early, but she's not showing any signs of heading that way. I'm not complaining. I haven't seen too much of her while she was in hospital. I visited, of course I did, but I tried to avoid the times I knew the whelp, Giles or Willow would be there. It's better if it's just the three of us.

I don't understand this thing I'm feeling. I've always been aware of something special about Dawn, but it's been stronger since I got back. It's as if I'm only able to relax when both my girls are near. That's another point. I can't think of them, either of them, without a distinct feeling of ownership. They're mine, almost like a vampire claiming a human. Almost, but not quite, because, with the 'they're mine' idea, goes the opposite. I belong to them.

I've talked around everything I can think of, so I give up and ask what's been on my mind since Buffy went out on patrol.

"Dawn, I thought I was going to patrol tonight. Why did Buffy change her mind?"

"I guess she just needed to get out. She's been pretty cooped up with me in hospital, hasn't she?"

"Well, I suppose, but it was more than that. Have I done something to upset her? She seemed a bit more … distant."

There, I've said it. My old insecurity's coming through. "I thought things were getting better. She hasn't seemed so .. uncomfortable with me. But tonight, she hardly said anything."

It's true. The whole business of Dawn being attacked has had one positive result. Not that I wouldn't have done anything to prevent the attack. Buffy'n I have been getting on better. Talking. Ok, mainly talking about Dawn, but it's a start. And it's something we have in common.

She's thinking about it, trying to decide what she should tell me. I'm shameless, and I allow the hurt to show on my face a little more than usual. She spots it, and there's a flash of guilt.

"Tonight," she starts, hesitantly, "before you got here, Riley and Sam came round."

"Oh," I say, getting up out of my chair. Riley's deigned to show himself, and Buffy's back to wishing she'd never let him go. Wait a minute.

"Who's Sam?"

"Don't you know?" she asks, astonishment on her face. 

She must realise that I really don't know, because she continues. "Sam's Riley's wife."

Whoa. Now, there's a little snippet that I missed. "Since when?"

"I'm not sure. Since before the last time he came."

"So, when he came back last time, he was already married?"

"Yeah, didn't Buffy tell you?"

I laugh, but there's no humour in it. "No, she didn't. I admit I was surprised she didn't get back with him then, but I never thought … Of course, she was busy telling me that whatever we had was over."

I think about that. The idea that Riley didn't try to get Buffy back during his last visit is kind of hard to believe. I thought that was behind his relish at finding me with those eggs. When he left, I assumed she had told him she wasn't interested. I was surprised, but, well, maybe her taste improved.

"So," I reason, "if she already knew he was married, and he turned up here with his wife, why did that upset her?"

I know one reason, that she still loves him, and the prospect is almost breaking my heart.

"Well, it was something Sam said. She talked about, you know, the eggs."

"Oh." Well, what else can I say? It was hardly my finest hour. I was thoroughly taken in by someone I thought was a mate. Well, I played poker with him. And, of course, Riley got hold of the wrong end of the stick, and given a choice of who to believe, Buffy was bound to believe Riley.

"She told Buffy that you weren't the Doctor, and that Riley knew that when he went to your crypt."

"Bloody hell!" I turn away as I say it. I can think of lots of other things to say, but not in front of Dawn.

"So, Buffy was angry at Riley, and I think she's feeling kinda guilty about you. Hence the strangeness."

I'm still not facing her. I don't want her to see me like this. Her voice continues. "But, you should have seen Sam! I don't think Riley's going to be experiencing any matrimonial bliss for a while."

I know I was stupid then. I trusted 'my mate', and I got done. Never even got paid the money I was promised. I don't even feel like I can face Dawn.

I don't know what's happened to my preternatural hearing. The next thing I know, Dawn's put a hand on my shoulder, and she's turning me around.

"Spike, it's ok," she's telling me. "What's wrong? Buffy knows you weren't trying to make money out of killing."

I don't talk, just walk towards the door. "Time you were in bed," I mumble, and go into the kitchen.

There was a time when Dawn would have stomped off in a fury at being dismissed that way. To my surprise, she follows me into the kitchen, puts her arms round my neck and kisses me on the cheek.

"Goodnight, Spike. It'll be ok, wait and see. She's just so stubborn, but she'll realise it in the end. She loves you. Maybe not as much as I do," she grins cheekily at me as she says that bit. "But she does love you."

I swipe at her arm as she retreats, and I know my voice is gruff. "Goodnight, Niblet."


	23. Chapter 23 A Meeting, A Kiss, and a Mid...

****

Chapter 23 - A Meeting, A Kiss, and a Midnight Swim

I can hardly believe the nerve of the man. He ran out on me, married someone else, yet he still thinks he knows best when it comes to my life. I walk away from him, doing my best to seem calm, when I'm anything but. He never understood me. Not even when we were together. He always wanted to protect me, keep me safe, when he was the one who needed protection. Still, I reckon I've made my point now. I just saved his life. Like he said, it's what I do.

I still cringed as I told him that I'd changed. That I'm no longer human. I was waiting for the look of revulsion which my admission must cause. I don't love him. I never really did, but there was a time when I cared, when I valued his opinion, and it hurts to know that I'm now classed with all demons without regard to their present or history. I know how Riley feels about demons. He calls them 'hostiles', or even worse, 'sub-terrestrials'. By definition, anything non-human is beneath contempt. 

I expected it. Revulsion, but I didn't see it. I saw, … disbelief. Yeah, that's what it was. He didn't believe me. But, I'm not sure whether I should be grateful that it's easier to imagine me a liar than it is a 'sub T'.

I'm calmer by the time I reach Revello Drive. The walk's done me good, giving me time, so why are my steps getting slower the closer I get? Because I know that at the end of my journey waits the man who suffered most through all our actions last year. Mine and Riley's. I don't know how to face him, I really don't. 

I wonder if Dawn'll have told him about Riley's visit. I suspect she will. She tells him things she tells no one else. So why not? He probably knows now, that I knew Riley so little, that I couldn't spot that he was lying. And I should have known.

I open the door, and walk into the lounge. He's watching something on TV, and doesn't raise his head to acknowledge my arrival. 

"Hey, Spike," I say surprised how soft my voice sounds.

He can't ignore that, so he lifts his head and smiles at me. His face is looking a little haunted again.

"Bit's in bed," he tells me. "Went up a while ago, so she should be asleep."

I nod, watching his face.

"She told you," I state, quietly.

"About Riley? Yeah, she did. Times like this I wish I could be rid of this bloody soul and just tear him to pieces."

"If it's any consolation, some vampires tried to do just that."

He looks surprised. And pleased. "What, Captain Cardboard got jumped by some vampires?"

"Yeah, there were seven of them, and they beat him up a bit. They were planning on feeding him to a fledgling, but I stopped them."

I can see it's on the tip of his tongue to ask me why, but then I see acceptance.

"Bet it hurt more being rescued by you that it would getting killed," he comments.

I stifle a giggle. "Probably."

When the danger of giggling is past, I manage to say what's on my mind. "I'm sorry."

Now he looks surprised.

"What for?"

"For not believing you about the eggs. For believing Riley. For not seeing he had an ulterior motive."

"Not for not telling me he was married?"

I shrug. "It wasn't important."

"Not important?"

"No, because I was never going to get back with him, wife or no wife."

He's nodding silently.

"Why did you want the money?" I ask.

He looks confused. 

"The money for looking after the eggs," I clarify.

"Oh, you know, fags, booze, the usual."

"And where were you going to get the money so I wouldn't have to work at the Doublemeat Palace?"

He shrugs, and I see the truth in his eyes. Just when I think I couldn't care more about him, I find that I can.

I've been standing during the conversation, while he continued to sit. It's given me an advantage I don't often have at five foot two, but I don't need it any more. I walk towards the sofa where he's sitting, and sit down beside him. I take both his hands in mine, and I say, "Thank you."

He's shaking his head. "You don't have anything to thank me for."

"You're wrong. I've got so much to thank you for, that I tend to forget it, take you for granted. Everything you've done for me, or tried to do for me, or for Dawn."

"I don't look after Dawn for you. I do that for myself," he points out.

"I know. And it doesn't matter why you do it, just that you do."

He's looking at me now, straight into my eyes, and it's difficult not to lose myself in just being close to him. It feels, … right. I can't help myself, I lean forward and kiss him on the lips. The kiss is gentle at first, but the heat builds quickly as he responds. Soon, we both need to break for air, and he pulls away. To my surprise, he stands up.

"Buffy, I'd … I'd better go. I don't want you to be grateful to me. I don't want you to do anything you'll regret later, and we both know that if we go on with that, I won't be able to stop. And I won't do that to you again. Never."

Before I can answer, he's gone, out of the house. I was going to say that I didn't kiss him out of gratitude. I kissed him for the same reasons I did before. I want him. So much, his leaving has me feeling almost unbearably alone. But, there was also another reason why I kissed him. I love him. I love him so much, that the prospect of being without him is unbearable. 

I scared him. I scared him by offering him something he wants, but without making sure he understands how I feel. I told him once that I didn't trust him. He's managed to earn my trust. Now, I've got to find a way to earn his.

*-*-*

My thoughts are in turmoil as I get into my car. She kissed me. And, immediately I was back there, wanting nothing so much as to take her there, immediately, satisfying the ache that her presence causes. Needing her, so badly it hurts. One kiss, and it ignited everything I've tried to subdue since I got back.

I ran. I'd never have considered myself a coward, but this is one battle I'll never win. I can't have her as a sign of gratitude, and then leave it alone. I can't start something like that if I can't finish it. I can't taste her again, just to lose her. It would kill me. It would kill her. That's what she told me before. That being with me was killing her.

I drive away. I need to do something. I need to fight, to kill. I think about Riley, and I consider what I'd do if I met him. So, it'd be best if I don't meet him. Not for a long time. 

Instead, I drive for a long time, not knowing where I'm going. I pass the 'Welcome to Sunnydale' sign, and feel no inclination to drive over it. I have no real inclination to do anything, just keep driving, turning off the road at a junction I've never noticed before. I find my way to a car park next to the ocean. It's deserted, and my senses tell me I'm completely alone. On a whim, I strip off, and head for the water. If I can't kill Riley, then I need something else. A cold shower might work, but, a late night, no, early morning swim might help too.

The water's cold. I wade until the water's waist deep, then dive forwards, pulling myself through the water, further and further from the beach. I keep going, not caring how far out I'm going, not caring about anything other than the cold, and the ache in my muscles. I'm swimming at a punishing pace. I haven't felt anything like this since, since, the last time I fought Buffy. I almost laugh at the idea. I pause, treading water, thinking about my life. I consider just swimming until I can't swim any further, but knowing my luck, that benighted child would just send me back again. I've still got a job to do. I've still got to keep Dawn safe. I know that whatever happens, I'm not going to get out of this easily. I turn around, and swim back to the shore, my progress much slower this time as I try to quell the insane giggling that's bubbling through me. I'm imagining what I'd say to explain killing myself after all that I promised to do. I pull myself onto the sandy beach, helpless with laughter. 

It's funny, really funny. I was on the verge of ending my existence, when I realise I just got one of my dearest wishes. Buffy. She kissed me. She isn't afraid of me any more. She isn't disgusted with me. There was a time that would have made me the happiest man on earth. It's not her fault it's not enough any more. I need her to love me, just a fraction of the way I love her. I need her to want to spend the rest of her life with me. To live with me. To be in every part of my life.

I ignore the sand covering my body, just walk to the car. I pull on my jeans, wincing as the sand scratches, then drive home.

When I park outside my flat, I sit for a moment, and the laughter starts again. I laugh until I'm aching, and then I laugh some more. I'm scared to stop laughing, because that's when I'll start to cry.

I force myself out of the car, keeping the laugher to a minimum, opening the door of my flat and locking it behind me. I turn on the shower, cold, of course, and rinse off the sand, drying myself roughly. My control is slipping with every moment. 

I throw myself on my bed, desperate to sleep before the tears start. Of course, I fail. It's what I do. I fail.


	24. Chapter 24 Prophecy Revisited

__

This took longer to post than usual, but I have a good excuse, honest. The thing is, this story feels like it's been writing itself lately. I've been so keen on getting on with my first draft of the remaining chapters, that coming back to edit what I've written has seemed boring by comparison. Still, I've forced myself to do just that, and here's a chapter to prove it.

And, if you're reading my other WIP - 'A Unique Specimen', then all I can do is apologise. I'm hoping that after this story's finished, I'll be able to concentrate on my alternate universe a bit more. 

Chapter 24 - Prophecy Revisited

The information arrived earlier today. Jimmy sent me a copy of some more of the references I'm looking for. Strangely, the final book isn't there. It seems to have gone missing from the Council library, and he doesn't have time to track it down. 

I intentionally left it until Willow went to bed before looking at it. She's been back at school for a while now, and she's settling well. Academically anyway. She doesn't seem to have made any friends. I know it's difficult when she's living off campus, but I had hoped for better. 

Xander visited tonight. He didn't seem too happy, telling us about what happened at Buffy's earlier. It seems Riley Finn's back, and his wife let slip that Riley's not been too generous with the truth. 

I can understand why Riley did what he did. There was a time when I'd have considered a similar action in order to keep Spike away from Buffy. Of course, the risk of lying in that situation, is that if the lie's discovered, it'll backfire. And it sounds like that's exactly what's happened.

The surprising thing is that Xander doesn't seem as upset as I expected. It's as though he's almost comfortable. 

All of that seems unimportant now. When Willow went to bed, I pulled out the information Jimmy sent me. I read it, and read it again, willing the meaning to change. Needless to say, it didn't. 

It's late. Very late. My glass is empty again. I don't know how many times I've refilled it, but the level of whisky in the bottle by my side is dropping alarmingly. I don't know how long I've been staring at the words in front of me, but I'm not seeing them any more. I don't have to, they're burned into my mind.

"The Orb of Fire has been hidden. It must be kept safe, away from interference, lest it be destroyed before its time. If this happens, the Key will be unable to compete its task, and the evil will be loosed and permitted to increase."

"The time will come when the Orb can no longer contain the threat. Early in the new millennium, the Orb will dissolve, loosing the terror and pain inside. Keep the Key close to the source of evil to keep destruction to a minimum. At that time, the vessel of the Key will fade, as must be. She is kept in that time only by the power of the Key. Without it, she will wane to rejoin her own time."

If I read that correctly, then it is an intrinsic part of the prophecy that Dawn will not survive. And, that , if everything happens according to the plan of those behind this, it will happen soon. If something goes wrong, it could happen before the Key is complete. If we can come up with a way to prevent it, we risk consequences even more dire.

How can I tell Buffy? How can I tell her that her sister has such a limited life? That she'll never see her fully grown? That she might never even graduate from High School?

And Spike. He was sent back to protect her, but is his purpose over so quickly then? It seems that his job is simply to keep her safe until the Key is strong enough to completely destroy the evil.

I remember the last time we thought we had to kill Dawn. I remember Buffy's anger. Her obstinacy that killing Dawn was not an option. And she was right. Someone wanted us to believe that killing Dawn was the only option. But, Buffy died in her stead. Saving the world not only from the threat we knew about, but also another as yet unknown.

I get up from my chair, and pour myself another scotch. I drink it quickly, desperate to feel less than I do.

I know I'm not going to sleep, so, despite the hour, I go into the lounge and take the bottle with me.

Suddenly, well, it seems that way to me, Willow's in the room too. One look at me, and she knows something's wrong. I've got to talk to someone, so I tell her what I've found.

She takes the news silently, but the colour drains from her face. Inevitably, her thoughts turn to magic, as she eventually speaks. "There might be a spell. A spell that'll keep her safe. I could start to research …"

I shake my head. She looks surprised. "Willow, the implications of that are dire. If we protect her, it could be that the Key energy won't be able to do its job. Even if we can think of something that would allow the Key to do its job and keep Dawn safe, there's the other side of things. It says that Dawn must rejoin her own time."

Willow reads the excerpt again, nodding her head in agreement. "Where are the other things you've found?" she asks.

I go back to the study, and pull out the sheets with my notes from previous volumes. She reads them carefully, frowning as she does so.

"Wait, Giles. This 'existing out of her time' thing. That means she's either already lived and died, or that she's …."

"Yet to be born," I finish her sentence. "So, if she isn't destroyed by the Orb of Fire, she may never actually be born."

The magnitude of this causes both of us to remain lost in our own thoughts. The silence is broken by Willow. "So, who is she?"

"I don't know. She must be close to Buffy in some way, or the portal Doc opened with Dawn's blood couldn't have been closed by Buffy. So, I think it's safe to assume she's a blood relative. Maybe the child of a cousin, something like that?"

"Or maybe a daughter." Willow's voice is quiet. The same thought had occurred to me, but I refused to give it credence. Slayers do not reproduce. They never have. But there's an even better reason.

"Willow, remember. Buffy's no longer human. Dawn is. So, how could that be? Unless it happened before Buffy was changed, and we know that's nonsense."

"Or, maybe, Buffy can regain her humanity!" Willow seems excited by the prospect. 

"I suppose so," I admit. "Certainly, whatever force changed her in the first place could change her back again. However, we need to agree exactly what we tell her. I don't want her spending the rest of her life wishing for something that might never happen."

"I don't think she would," Willow replies.

"Would what?"

"I don't think she'd wish for humanity. Not any more."

"But surely, …." I remonstrate.

"No. Before, yeah, I mean, she would have been horrified if she knew she wasn't human. But she's changed. I know I haven't talked much to her since I got back. She doesn't seem quite comfortable with me any more. But, I've watched her since she heard the news. She's comfortable with it. There's no squickiness."

I think about what Willow's just said, and I realise she's right. Buffy has accepted her own status in much the same way as she's accepted Spike's change.

"So, what do we tell Buffy?" Willow asks.

"Well, we certainly give her the wording of the prophecy. There's no point in hiding that. I think we just keep our extrapolation to ourselves."

"And, if she puts it together for herself?"

"Then, we'll have to deal with that when it happens. 

Willow agrees silently. "And Xander?" she asks.

"The same."

"And Anya?"

Now, that's a difficult one. "I think she'll work out the same possibilities we have. She's remarkably bright. I think I should tell her what we think, and ask her to keep it quiet."

Willow nods her agreement as she stifles a yawn. "I should get back to bed. I've got an early class, and I've got to get in an hour's swim before that."

"You go on, Willow. I'll tidy up here, and then I think I could do with some sleep too. Goodnight."

"Goodnight, Giles," she answers, getting up and heading back to her room.

*-*-*

It's surprising. This early morning swim that started out as part of my therapy has become so much a part of my life, that I don't know how I ever started my day another way.

I'm half way through my hour, and, as usual, the time spent in the water is time to think. I've done a lot of that lately. For a change, this time I'm not thinking about Tara, Warren, or me. I'm thinking about Dawn and Buffy. I'm wracking my brains for a way out of this whole disaster, but I've come up with nothing. There's a horrible logic that says that if Dawn continues to live in her current form, then she'll not be able to come into the world as she should. If we knew who she was, then, maybe, we could think of a way around it. I know Giles has set up some tests for Buffy, Spike and Dawn, to try to understand how Buffy and Spike have changed. He's already started the physical tests, and they're supposed to go to the Doctor's office tomorrow for further tests. 

I make a mental note to make sure to remind Giles to ask for a DNA analysis on Dawn to try to determine just how close a relative she is to Buffy. I know Giles said that the blood test he wants from Dawn will have to wait until she's completely recovered from the vampire attack, so there'll be time to get an extra sample for the extra tests.

I get out of the pool, and experience the familiar leaden feeling in my legs as they take my weight again. I head for the showers. The pool is normally busy at this time in the morning. A lot of students take advantage of the pool before classes, but it's quiet this morning. I wonder idly if there was a big party last night. That's normally the reason for a quiet start to the day.

The water's hot, and I've got it turned on high, so I feel the spray like something solid, pummelling my back as I shampoo my hair. I hear someone outside, and wonder which of the regulars managed to make it after all, when I see something fall at my feet. It immediately starts to hiss, and a yellowish gas seeps out. Before I can react, I know I've inhaled it, and everything starts to go woozy, before turning black.

I open my eyes, and look around me in surprise. I'm in a large space, disused factory at a guess. It's gloomy but light enough to see I'm alone. I'm tied to a chair, and, while the ropes are tighter than I'd want, I'm not too uncomfortable. I'm pleased to note that I'm dressed, even if the clothes aren't my own. I immediately consider a spell to free myself, and remember one which turns rope to a consistency of plasticene. I mutter the words, and nothing happens. I go through the spell again, trying to work out what went wrong, but I'm disturbed by a mirthless laugh.

"You won't do any magic when I'm around," the voice continues. It belongs to a demon, not as tall as many I've seen. He's just over six feet, and approximately human in build. The skin tone looks a little overdone - reddish, and there's no hair. It's wearing clothes, but it's not much of an advertisement for its shopping choice. The trousers are baggy and checked in a loud geometric pattern, and the shirt is striped.

"I'm what you might call a 'sink' for magic," he continues. "I soak it up. Of course, I can unleash it again when I want. One of the reasons you were the ideal candidate."

The reality of the situation hits me. He wants Dawn. But, if he wants Buffy to swap me for her, he really doesn't know Buffy very well. There was a time when she'd have been torn, it's true, but even then, she'd never have traded. Now? I'm not even sure she'd miss me. 

"She won't trade," I state. He looks pleased.

"I'm not looking to trade," he informs me. "You're going to work for me."

"Never," I tell him.

Now, he's laughing hard. He's coming closer, and his eyes. Why didn't I notice his eyes before? They're dark, so dark, and getting darker, until they're black. His whole body seems to be sucking light into it. I know what he's doing, and I'm powerless to stop it. He's reaching inside me, to the place where the dark magic is hidden. 

My stay at the coven cleared it out of my system, I thought it had cleared it out completely. Now I know it didn't. There was a tiny reservoir left, so small, I didn't even know it was there. Now, it's filling, I can feel it filling, expanding, taking over my being. My thoughts are being taken over by it. I'm back to holding Tara's body. I'm looking for revenge. 

Then it changes again. I'm feeling the pain of the world. And there's only one thing I can do. I've got to end it. I've got to end the world. And this creature in front of me has the ideal solution. All I've got to do is kill Dawn. Then, the end of the world will be inevitable.


	25. Chapter 25 – Analysis

****

Chapter 25 – Analysis

I get up early next morning. Not that I've slept well. I can count on one hand the number of times I've slept without Riley since we were married. Last night was awful. Finding out what he did last time. He's still so involved with Buffy that he doesn't even see that it was wrong. How could he marry me feeling that way?

I force my mind away from my personal problems. A transport leaves for the dig site in half an hour, and I'm going to be on it. I'll unearth the sphere I've been working on in another couple of hours, I reckon, then I'll bring it back and start work on it.

I shower quickly, and pick up some coffee and a danish from the mess. Then I'm on the truck.

Everything's as we left it, as usual, and I continue my work. I wanted to finish last night, but Riley wanted to do something and dragged me away. Now I know he wanted to visit Buffy. I'm not sure what he really had in mind. Maybe it was just an innocent visit, but I'm not sure I can trust him any more.

I work carefully, but the excitement's growing with every moment. The more of this sphere I've uncovered, the more interesting it's looked. It's now obviously pinkish/purple in colour - or more accurately, magenta. The movement inside is …. Violent. It looks like it's trying to get out. I shake my head. That's obviously not the case. I mean, that would imply intelligence.

At last, I finish the job. I make the appropriate notes on the dig log and take it outside to have a closer look. I'm just in time to catch a transport back to the lab, so I wrap the sphere carefully, and head back.

Riley's in his office when I get back. A glance through the glass in the door shows him, head down, reading something. His face looks, well, a bit bruised. I wonder what happened, but not so much that I want to talk to him. I know we've got to talk, but not yet.

Once in the lab, I get the technicians to set up the standard raft of preliminary tests. They haven't told us anything about any of the other artefacts we've brought back, so I've no great hopes, but I've got to stick to procedure.

While everything's being set up, I take the sphere to an examining bench, and give it the once over. In good light, it's even more interesting. The surface is incredibly smooth to the touch, but there's evidence of crazing - probably of the inner surface.

The sphere was tested at the dig site for radioactivity, and that was clear. The magenta energy - that's what it looks like - is in perpetual motion. It doesn't seem to favour any particular direction, unless you count 'out' as a direction. It certainly doesn't come towards my hand as I hold it - if anything it seems to shy away from me. I'm obviously imagining that. If it were an electrical discharge, it would arc towards my touch.

I get a call to say they're ready for the sphere next door, so I go in, and, rather reluctantly, hand over my prize to a technician.

I'm reading through some of the earlier reports while I leave them to finish the more mundane tests, when Riley comes in. He looks sheepish, as well he might.

"Didn't expect you back so soon," he comments.

"I unearthed the sphere. You know I'm keen to get on with analysing it." I can keep to business too.

"About last night," he starts.

"It's not about last night," I tell him. "It's about the last time we were here. You went out of your way to interfere in Buffy's life. Now, what I don't understand is why? If she's just a friend, why would you spin her that line? You knew Spike was useful to them. You knew he was chipped and couldn't hurt her. So why? Because the only reason I can come up with is good old-fashioned jealousy."

He shakes his head, but I don't think he's arguing with me.

"It's not as simple as that. You know, when I left here, left her, I thought I was heading off to die. That was the plan, well, sort of. I didn't think I could live without her, so I didn't really want to live. I blamed Angel for the fact that Buffy couldn't love me. Well, I did at first. Then, well, I knew Spike was obsessed with her. Then, when she tolerated him, even seemed to trust him, I wanted to kill him, to get him out of her life forever. But, she wouldn't let me. Another sign she cared about him. She insisted it was just because he was helpless, but I didn't believe it. There was more to it than that."

Riley pauses as someone comes in to put something on my desk. The intruder leaves without speaking. I wonder if everyone on the base knows we argued last night. If there's one thing I know about the military, it's that you can't keep secrets like that.

When we're alone again, Riley looks at me, expecting some sort of response. "So, you're telling me you don't love her. That you didn't love her when you married me, 'cos from where I'm sitting, it doesn't look that way."

He has the grace to look embarrassed at that. "Look, Sam, I love you. I wouldn't have married you if I hadn't loved you. But, yes, I love her too. There's no way she would look at me, and I'm resigned to that. It doesn't make me love you any less. It's just, different. What I felt for her wasn't something to build a life on. I know that now. It was, well, it was like the way you feel when you're sixteen and in love for the first time. Except I left it a bit late. I want to be with you, Sam, I really do. As soon as we get out of this hellhole, I'll forget about her, like before. It'll just be you and me, I promise."

"So, you love another woman. She's the one you feel the first flush of love for, but you want to spend the rest of your life with me? Is that it? Because, it doesn't seem such a good deal to me. I'm second best, but you're willing to settle, because the competition winner isn't available."

"I love you, Sam. I can't bear the thought of losing you. I need you. Please, give me a chance to prove I love you. Please."

"I'll have to think about it," I tell him. I turn back to my reading, and he knows better than to carry on. He leaves the office, and I allow the tears to fall. 

The problem is, when I first met him, I was drawn to his vulnerability. It was the first thing I noticed about him. He was hurting, and I took it as a challenge to put him back together again. And, seeing him today, he's back to the same Riley I met. He's hurting, and I'm itching to make it better. So, maybe he's going to get another chance, but I'm going to make the most of it. If he's not the most attentive, generous husband on the planet, he's going to know all about it. But, I don't have to tell him that yet, do I? I think I deserve another day or two of keeping him stewing. 

I get a call to tell me that they're ready for me in the lab, so I head along the corridor. The lab's overlooked by a control room, and I see Riley's there. I know he's as fascinated as I am about this sphere, and I'm relieved he's decided to watch things from up there rather than crowding me down here. He might outrank me, but this is my baby, and he'd better not get in my way.

In many respects, he'll actually get a better view anyway. Not only can he see what's happening directly through the glass partition separating the two rooms; he can also watch in detail on one of the closed circuit monitors. There's even a facility to over-ride the controls we have down here, but there's no reason for that to be used today. It's just a safety feature, and we really don't expect trouble.

As I watch the routine tests, including various types of spectroscopy, electron microscopy and output characteristics, I let my mind wander. 

This whole lab's an amazing place. To think it's just part of what used to be an amazing complex. Riley doesn't talk much about the Initiative these days. It wasn't a comfortable time for him, and he thinks it's better forgotten. The Initiative complex was the last word in safety and security. Of course, it didn't withstand what was effectively a saboteur in the person of Adam. Still, even the mistakes learned from that particular debacle were incorporated into the renovations for this part of the complex - the only part not destroyed. 

Each lab and room can be hermetically sealed - no chemical, be it liquid or gas can escape from a room once the lock down procedure has begun. The complex has state of the art security too. There's no way for anyone to get in here without proper authorisation. Which is probably just as well, since the materials we've found at the dig site would be worth billions in the right hands.

The first set of tests is complete, and I can't say I'm surprised. The other artefacts we've tested seem to be sinks for any sort of energy we throw at them. They absorb everything - it doesn't matter what wavelength, from microwave or radio wave, through visible, into UV, x-ray, even gamma, nothing comes back. Of course, the object, whatever it is, just heats up. We've taken some to temperatures of several hundred degrees Celsius, and there's been no sign of melting, or any other change in properties.

The sphere is different. Of course, it looks different. While everything else is black and opaque, the sphere is clear. And the results are different. The light coming from the sphere is specific to two wavelengths - one in the red part, another in the blue part of the spectrum. In terms of what we're throwing at the sphere, it's like a mirror. Everything but those two wavelengths is thrown back at us. The sphere looks like a perfectly reflecting mirror, and initial tests imply it's an unreasonably perfect sphere too - well beyond our ability to manufacture. 

I take the first printout back to my office, telling the technicians to carry on, alerting me if they find anything significant, or when they've finished. 

Within ten minutes of my arrival in my office, Riley's there too. He's all business, which is just as well.

"What do you think?" he asks.

"You've seen the results?" 

"I was following them from the control room. What else do you think we should try?"

"I don't know. We should certainly try some sort of abrasion - diamond, or one of those ultra-hard ceramics we've got. Heat it up, freeze it, check its output characteristics, same as we've done before."

Riley's nodding. "Some sort of chemical tests would be good, too. We'll try some acid and base solutions, start with something not too corrosive, and work our way up. Chlorine gas, or even Fluorine, if we don't get anything else to react."

"Have you tried Chlorine on anything else?" I ask.

"Not yet, we've had our hands full just putting everything through the standard tests. Now, I think we should concentrate on a single sample of the black stuff, and this sphere. I don't know about you, but the sooner we can get something out of this, the sooner we can hand the whole project over to someone else, and get ourselves out of Sunnydale. And that can't happen too soon for me."

There's a bit of pleading in his voice as he says the last bit, and I can't help but agree with him. If there's a future in our marriage, the sooner we get out of Sunnydale, the better.


	26. Chapter 26 – Protective Measures

****

Chapter 26 – Protective Measures

Anya and I have spent the day putting the last touches to the Magic Box. I can't believe we're actually ready to reopen. When I think how it looked after Willow ... and now, it's better than ever. We took the opportunity to do some minor redesigns around things that didn't work as well as they could. And, as a special gift for Buffy, I've had a shower fitted in the training room. I know she's always hated having to go home to shower after training.

Xander's been a great help, too. I suspect it's in part an excuse to be close to Anya, but, since she doesn't seem to object, I certainly don't.

Talking of Anya, the closer we get to opening, the more excited she becomes. It's as if the whole world of retail has taken over her whole being. I could understand that to a point when she was human, but now, she's got another whole career, and it's still this humble little shop that has her scurrying around like a child.

I have to say that her energy makes me feel old. I know she's impossibly older than I am, but it's true. Even after dealing with Buffy all this time, dealing with Anya leaves me an exhausted, quivering wreck, and all we've been doing is checking shipments of merchandise. I can't imagine how she and Xander would get on now, even if they managed to break down the barriers between them.

And, thinking about Buffy reminds me of the office I have to perform later. She needs to know about my most recent findings, and I'm expecting her and Dawn to come into the shop after school. I spent hours last night, worrying my way through the information, desperate to see a way out of what I read. But I found nothing. I suspect this really is an insoluble problem. It might be possible to lighten the blow for Buffy if she knows just who Dawn actually is, if I can hold out some hope of them meeting again, but how do I break it to Dawn? I think the answer is, I don't. It's got to be Buffy's decision.

Dawn's been back at school for three days, and she seems to have settled well again. At least, she doesn't seem too worried at being back there after the attack. 

From what I've heard, Spike's been busy too. Xander may not have been involved, but you don't keep secrets in the building industry. He's had parts of the basement of the school more or less rebuilt. And, he's trying to work out how it got built like that in the first place. I've got to agree that it's important, too. Because, if we can find out who arranged it, we might get some advanced information on who's behind the threat to Dawn.

Willow arrives, telling us that her last class was cancelled. She's not looking too well, but when I comment, she shrugs it off.

"Didn't sleep too well last night," she says.

"Really? I thought all these early morning and late evening swims were keeping you right in that respect."

"They were, no, they are. It was just one night. It's no big."

Willow seems to know instinctively what needs to be done, and, without instructions, she's helping to arrange some of the spell ingredients. I suppose it makes sense, that she would know the best arrangement. She's keeping those ingredients most likely to be used together close on the shelves, and ensuring the better, more expensive options are more obvious than the cheaper alternatives. I leave her to it.

At this rate, there'll be nothing to do when Dawn and Buffy get here. Well, that's not true. There's a lot of work still to be done on the training room. A lot of the equipment's still in Buffy's basement, but I've managed to wangle a few replacements on the insurance, and they need to be unpacked and set up. I think Spike'll be coming with the girls, so he might help with that. 

He seems reluctant to let Dawn out of his sight these days. I've heard mumblings from Xander on the subject, but I've got to say, he's more relaxed about it than I'd have expected. 

I finish arranging a case of Romanian crystal orbs, and look to see what's next. As I turn around, I hear the bell announcing the door, and in they walk. Three of them, looking completely natural together. Well, no, not quite. Spike's looking comfortable around Dawn, but he's keeping his distance from Buffy. I've had the impression that's how things are recently, and I wonder why. One glance at her face tells me she's aware of it, and she's hurt. I know I shouldn't interfere, but I can't help myself.

"Buffy, can I have a word?" I ask, gesturing towards the training room.

"More news on the prophecy?" she asks. She looks so hopeful. "In a moment," I reply. "But, first, can I have a word with you alone?" She looks puzzled, but follows me into the training room. Spike remains with Dawn.

The truth is, that although I know Buffy promised not to keep secrets from Dawn, I want to tell her what it says alone, at least at first. Then, she can decide how much to tell Dawn. I read the passage aloud, and have it snatched out of my hands as I finish, so desperate is she to read it again and see something different to what she just heard. Just as I did. 

"Giles, there's got to be something we can do," she says, her eyes pleading with mine. She wants hope, and I have none to offer.

"We'll keep looking for something," I promise. 

She nods, and I can see her face awash with indecision. 

"Are you going to tell her?" I ask.

"I … I promised. I promised I wouldn't keep secrets. But how can I tell her this?"

"I don't know, Buffy, and I really can't guide you on this. You know Dawn better than anyone, you know how she's likely to react."

There's silence for a few moments. "I have to tell her," she whispers. She turns to go, but I hold her back. "There's something else I wanted to say," I add.

She looks surprised, but relieved to have her conversation with Dawn postponed.

"What happened with you and Spike?"

She's surprised at the question, and tries to pretend she doesn't know what I'm talking about.

"Something happened. And, not today. He's looking rather skittish around you, and you're obviously not happy about it."

"It's nothing, Giles. Seriously, the only important thing is finding a way to make sure Dawn's around for a long time to come. You sure you haven't got any more ideas?"

"Don't change the subject. If it's none of my business, then tell me so. But, don't tell me there's nothing going on."

She deflates in front of me. It's an unusual sight. "The night Dawn got home from hospital," she starts. "The night I realised how unfair I was to Spike over the eggs. Well, I told him. I wanted to show him that everything's changed. He's done so much for both of us, and he didn't deserve to be treated the way he was. The way I treated him. I realised I love him. I mean, I realised it a while ago, but I was going to tell him, and I kissed him, and he ran."

The last part comes out in a torrent, and I almost miss it.

"You kissed Spike and he ran?" I'm still not sure I heard that part right.

She nods miserably. "I think he still loves me, but, it's as though he doesn't trust me. He thinks I'm going to kiss him today, and go back to hurting him tomorrow. And, since then, he's made sure there's always someone else around when I meet him. I haven't had a chance to tell him, and I don't think I'm going to get that chance."

"I must admit I'm surprised. The picture of Spike running from a kiss isn't one I find it easy to envisage. But, it's to be expected that he's feeling unsure, emotionally. His soul must be having a huge effect on him, and how he views the world. I can certainly believe that he'd be reluctant to embark on a purely physical relationship with you again. Especially if he loves you, and I believe he still does."

It always surprises me how the Slayer, the terror of demons everywhere, can look like a small child in need of a hug. That's exactly how she seems now, and I do my best to supply the need. I can't help thinking I'm a poor substitute, though.

I turn to go, and she calls after me. "Can you ask Dawn and Spike to come in. I might as well get this over with."

"Are you sure you want Spike too?"

"Well, you can try separating him from her if you want, but I don't think he'll listen. And, she might take the news better if he's there."

I nod my agreement as I walk back into the shop.

It's times like these, I wish I was blessed with vampire hearing. I want to know what's going on, but I thought it would be easier on Dawn if I'm not there. If she wants to cry, she'll feel less intimidated without me.

They're a long time. Longer than I expected. I have to admit I fully expected a hysterical Dawn to come running out of the room several minutes ago. When they do come out, I make a point of not looking. I notice Xander's watching them curiously. Of course, he doesn't know yet, and neither does Anya. I'll fill them both in later if necessary.

Dawn looks tearful. Buffy looks pale. Spike looks … furious. It's the only word I can think that fits. He looks fit to kill anyone and anything that threatens Dawn.

I drag my mind back to the present. Willow's gone down to the store room, and Anya seems quite put out by the fact. I suspect it's just that she's not waiting for instructions.

When she sees me, Dawn looks away. Spike's hand is on her arm, and she's leaning towards him, soaking up his strength. They're sitting at the research table, and Buffy's on Dawn's other side. I go back to displaying goods on shelves, and try not to worry about her. It's difficult, though. Buffy's always had so much on her shoulders, and she's never really had anyone to share it. It occurs to me, that, while Spike wouldn't be the partner I'd choose for her, especially in the current situation, he's the one most likely to be able to really share her burden. He's certainly single minded in his need to keep them both safe. 

Willow's come back upstairs, and she seems excited about something. She's carrying a jar of biticus weed, and when Anya spots that, she scurries over and tries to take it from her.

"Put that back, Willow," Anya insists. "Biticus weed's too potent an ingredient to have lying on the shelves up here. We need to keep it downstairs so we can be sure it's going to be used responsibly."

Willow ignores her, and approaches me, Anya flapping behind. "Giles, remember when Glory was after Dawn? Tara and I did a spell so that we'd get warning if someone tired to get in here?"

"I remember," I reply, putting a, hopefully, comforting arm on Anya's.

"Well, I'd like to do it again. It'll need some changes. We're not trying to keep out a Hellgod this time, but I think we can assume those behind the threats are demons of some sort. We just need to set up a spell that'll set off an alarm if a demon tries to get in. We can even do the same at the house."

Anya stiffens, and I can see she's about to explode. Really, Willow can be rather obtuse at times. Before I can speak, Anya starts the tirade I could see building.

"I can't see how that would help. I certainly don't want an alarm going off any time I walk through the door of the store I manage. It just isn't right, and I won't allow it."

"Then," I add, "there's Spike and Buffy too. They need to be able to come and go at will."

Willow looks exasperated. "Of course they do. And, that's one of the changes I have in mind. I can key the spell to the three demons we allow in here, and I can even arrange for the alarm to be heard by them, even if they're elsewhere. Think how useful that'd be. I know you don't like Buffy patrolling alone, and that's all she's doing recently. One of them is always with Dawn. What if they could leave Dawn here sometimes, knowing that if anything tries to get in, they'll have their own private alarm system? They could patrol together again."

I have to admit, it has possibilities. The spell Willow and Tara did before was certainly of a type which shouldn't harm Willow in any way. And if she can make the changes ... And, after my little chat with Buffy, maybe, if she and Spike can have some time alone together, maybe they can sort out their problems. I don't know if I'll like the outcome, but it's got to be better than what's going on at the moment. She needs his strength, that much is clear. And, he needs, has always needed her love. 

"That sounds good, Willow," I tell her. "Have you got everything you need?"

"Apart from the biticus weed, everything else is pretty standard. The only other thing I'll need, is something to key our three demons. A strand of hair should be enough."

"Good," I approve. "Why don't you go and explain what you're planning to Buffy, and we can do the spell for the shop tonight. There's no point in waiting."

As soon as Willow's out of earshot, I turn to Anya. She's standing open-mouthed with indignation at the fact that I'm allowing this to go ahead. "Anya," I plead. "You don't want anything to happen to Dawn, do you? This spell could be very useful, and, ..." She's about to interrupt, so I hold a hand out, "You're always so generous when it comes to helping us. I knew you wouldn't mind."

Anya exhales slowly. I think she realises she's been outmanoeuvred. I glance over to where Xander's putting the finishing touches to some shelves, and I see he's been watching carefully. The look he's giving me is one of open admiration, and I suspect he's filing that tactic away for future use. I'm loath to tell him that I suspect it's a tactic that'll only work on Anya once.

Half an hour alter, Willow's ready to do the spell. She's taken a hair from each of the demons, and has her other ingredients arrayed in front of her. She's drawn the appropriate symbols around the various entrances and exits, and she seems to have been thorough. She holds the hairs in her hand, over a metal dish. She sprinkles some biticus root into the dish, and adds some rosemary, sage, and three salamander eyes. She lights a candle, and holds it in her other hand as she starts to chant. She drops the hairs on top of the other ingredients, and sets everything alight. 

I can't be sure, of course, as my glasses were a little dirty, but I could have sworn there was a red hair in the dish as well as the two blonde and the darker one from Anya. It may have been accidental, of course. One of Willow's hairs could have simply fallen from her shoulder, or I may have seen it wrong.

The spell is complete, and Willow is clearing things away. Anya looks nervous, so I suggest she goes outside and tries to get back in again. She manages it, and looks much more relaxed. No alarms sounded. Now, if only we had a friendly, but unkeyed demon to try out the spell on.

"Do you think Clem would like to pay a visit?" I ask.

Spike looks momentarily surprised, then realises what I mean.

"For Dawn, I reckon he'd walk on hot coals," he states, his eyes lighting on Dawn as he speaks. And I know, Clem's not the only one who'd risk burnt feet.

"I'll see if he can meet us here when we lock up. He can try out the alarm system then."

"Maybe you'd better ring him now," I suggest. "We're just about finished here. And Anya and I have an early start in the morning. There are some things you really need to do at the last moment."

Spike makes the call, and Willow's trying to chat to Buffy. I notice that Dawn has put as much space between herself and Willow as she can. That's one breach that's going to take some fixing.

As soon as the call is over, Spike takes up his place close to Dawn, and the two put their heads together, looking for all the world like a couple of conspirators. I see Buffy watching them, and I feel a pang as I see her wanting to be a part of their group. 

Suddenly, there's the most awful noise. It's everywhere, and Anya, Buffy and Spike all have their hands over their ears. Willow's grinning, and goes to the door, opening it to reveal a very surprised Clem. There's a barrier in the doorway, and he can't get in.

"Finis," she says, and the noise stops. 

"What did you say?" Anya demands. "I run this shop, and I need to be able to switch off the alarm."

"I said 'finis'."

"Red, I'm not trying to be funny, but it's not much of an alarm if all you've got to do to switch it off is say 'finis'," Spike points out.

"Well, it wouldn't work if Clem said it. It'll only work if someone who was present when the spell was cast says it. Otherwise, it's just a word. And, all it does is stop the noise. It doesn't affect the barrier."

Spike nods his approval, and walks outside to talk to Clem. The others follow, leaving Anya and I to lock up. When we emerge, only Xander remains.

"Buffy wanted to get Dawn home, and Willow's wants some alone time. I think she's gone to the cabin.

"The cabin?" I ask, mystified.

"She never told you?"

"Told me what?"

"When Buffy was …. Gone, Willow and Tara offered to move into the house to look after Dawn. I mean, they didn't have to do it, they just did. But, they still wanted somewhere that was just theirs. So, they came across this cabin. I'm not even sure where it is. They never said. I suspect they hid it anyway. They used to go there when they wanted some time alone. I don't think she's been there since she got back from England, and she wants to make sure it's ok."

I take this news in silence. I'm surprised she never told me. All those quiet chats we had while we were in England, and she never mentioned this place. But then, maybe it's a good sign that she can go back there now. If the healing has started, she can deal with going back.

"So," Xander says a little nervously. "Anyone for a drink to celebrate the imminent reopening of the Magic Box?"

Anya's face brightens visibly. "Yes," she answers. "That would be quite appropriate."

She looks to me, obviously expecting agreement.

"Well," I tell them, "it may be appropriate, but I'm afraid I've got a bit of reading I need to get through before it's too late. So, I'll leave you to it."

I walk away, leaving, I suspect, a very pleased Xander, and a slightly irritated Anya behind me. Well, I tell myself. They need to sort things out too.


	27. Chapter 27 Darkness Falls

****

Chapter 27 - Darkness Falls

It wasn't my idea. This leaving the Niblet. Giles seems to have pushed it - and I'm really not sure why. So, Buffy and I are patrolling together again. We haven't spoken about it, but we both seem to have decided to stay close to the Magic Box. 

We all went to see the doctor earlier. He took all the blood samples and so on that he needed. Except from Dawn. We've got to wait a bit longer before he'll risk taking a sample from her. Did a range of tests on us - reaction speed, strength and whatever. Said what he did last time wasn't enough. Included Dawn in a few, but he mainly concentrated on those of us who aren't human. Didn't say much, either, but I could tell he was excited. His heart rate increased noticeably whenever we did something that gave results off his scale.

After the visit to the doctor, we came to the Magic Box. It had closed by then, and Anya was looking flushed and happy. Surprisingly, Xander took a day off work to help out. And, the way he and Anya kept looking at each other, I wouldn't be surprised to notice a certain mingling of scents again soon. Maybe even after tonight.

Giles insisted we head out to patrol. Said he was worried about the fact that Buffy'd been patrolling alone, and that now we had a system to keep Dawn safe at the Magic Box, she didn't have to. I argued, and so did Buffy, but, somehow, we got outvoted. Still not sure how it happened. Almost suspected the witch was up to something, but there wasn't any sign.

So, we're out together. Buffy's not comfortable. But then, neither am I. I've avoided being alone with her since the kiss. Thing is, it's already too late. I'm like an addict. Before I kissed her the other night, I could persuade myself that I didn't need to touch her - that I could get by with being friends. One kiss, and everything's changed. I'm aware of everything about her. Every hitch in her breathing, every increase in heart rate - I feel them all, and they're echoed in my own body. I hardly feel I can trust myself to keep my hands off her. 

Patrol is routine, nothing either of us would have had a problem with alone. Still, I'd rather go through the agony of not being able to touch her than worry about her patrolling alone. I can't help but imagine all sorts of things happening to her while I'm not there to protect her.

"Spike," Buffy starts, uncertainly. I knew something was bothering her, and it looks like I'm about to find out what. I look straight at her so she knows she has my attention.

"About the other night," she manages before I interrupt.

"It's ok, Pet," I tell her. "I won't do it again. You were just kissing me to say thanks, and I nearly took advantage of it. I won't do it again, I promise." It's a promise I'm not even sure I can keep. 

"Please, don't," she whispers, and I notice she seems to be shivering slightly.

"Don't what?" 

"Promise you won't do it again. It wasn't gratitude. Well, it was, but it wasn't just gratitude. I …. I love you Spike. I kissed you because I love you."

She's looking at me, desperate for some acknowledgement.

I'm shaking my head, and she's starting to look tearful.

"Don't, Buffy Love. Please don't. You've got so much on right now, it's hardly surprising you're grasping at any support you can get. But you don't have to. I'm with you anyway."

"I know that, Spike, and it's not just that."

I pause, remembering another night. "It's because of what they did to you, to us. Changing us. Making us the same. I told you once, I was the only one there for you. Remember?"

She nods.

"That's what you're thinking now. There was a time when I'd have taken anything you offered me, didn't matter why. Hell, it's exactly what I did. I took what I could get on any terms. But I can't, not now. You think you love me because you don't think a human could. But you're so wrong, Buffy. Any man in his right mind will love you. Love you because of your strength, your courage, your … soul. And that's only scratching the surface. But I can't be the consolation prize any more. I can't Buffy. I just can't. 'Cos it wouldn't last. Everything'd be fine until you meet someone else - someone who hasn't been dead for a century. Someone who could love you with a clear conscience. Someone who'd deserve you. And then, well, you know what I'm capable of, and I can't risk it." My words sound bitter, even to my own ears.

"How dare you?" she whispers. "Where do you get off telling me how I feel? I suppose I should be used to it by now. You've been telling me for long enough. Telling me I cared for you the night you chained me up and offered to kill Drusilla for me. Now you're telling me it's just because I'm confused. Because I need you to help me keep Dawn safe. Because I think so little of my new demon status that I'd settle for you because I can't do better. Well, from what Giles said the other day, looking after Dawn's only a short term job. Because there isn't going to be a Dawn soon."

Her voice was breaking as she said that last bit. I want to hold her so much. My own voice is unsteady as I reply. "We'll find something. We've still got time, Buffy." 

I didn't intend to do it, but I've come closer to her, and I'm holding my arms out to her, and she's moving into them, burying her head in my shirt and sobbing.

"You're wrong, Spike," she insists when her sobs have faded. "I mean, I do need you to help me keep Dawn safe, and I am grateful for what you've done for us, but that's not the whole story. I. Love. You. And you're right. I know what you're capable of. You're capable of loving me more than anyone deserves. More than I deserve. But, I can understand if you don't love me, or don't trust me. There're good reasons why you shouldn't trust me. I know that. All I'm saying is, give me a chance to prove it's real."

"Buffy, of course I bloody love you. It's because I love you that I can't let this go wrong again. Even now, you don't know how hard it is for me to hold you like this, and not kiss you. But if I kissed you, then it would be almost impossible not to undress you, make love to you. And I can't believe that's what you really want."

I step back, purposefully, showing her I can still control myself, but it's the hardest thing I've ever done. She's just told me she loves me. It's what I've wanted to hear for so long, dreamed about hearing, but I can't listen. I can't take it at face value. Having her and losing her, that way lies madness.

We're close to my old crypt, and I'm on the verge of suggesting we should call in and see Clem - anything to add another person to the explosive combination that is us, when we feel it. Dawn's afraid. How can that be? There's been no alarm at the Magic Box, unless … unless the assailant's human.

We share a look, and see understanding mirrored between us before we start to move. We're evenly matched, neither of us with an advantage as we run. It took us a while to reach this point, but we didn't walk in a straight line. Now, we take the most direct route back, but it seems to take forever.

At last, the Magic Box is in sight, and I pull open the door, and immediately run into a barrier. It's like the barrier before a vampire is invited into someone's home. It's the protection spell Willow performed, it must be, but it's gone wrong somehow. Or, it's been changed. I can see inside perfectly. Buffy's here, and she's hit the barrier too. We squeeze together in the doorway, and we see Giles and Anya, and Willow and Dawn. Somehow, Giles and Anya have been immobilised, they're still, but their eyes show their anguish. Willow's different. Like something from a nightmare. She's dark, her hair, and her eyes. The darkness has taken her again, and she's holding Dawn, her arms around her.

Dawn's eyes are begging me to do something, anything. I look at her, and feel a failure all over again. Willow's eyes glitter with malevolence, and I feel my heart constrict. She utters some words, aiming them at Dawn, but there's no result. Willow's face contorts, frustration etching her face, and she repeats her actions.

Somehow, I wrench my eyes away from Dawn to Giles. His expression has changed. It's looking hopeful, and I realise there's something else going on. Willow howls in frustration, growling at Giles. "What have you done?"

I don't know whether or not Giles can answer in his current state, but she doesn't wait.

"There's more than one way to do it," she threatens, and puts her hands around Dawn's neck, using her body to do what her magic will not. She screams in frustration as her hands refuse to do her will. That surprises me, until I see a wavering in her hair, and realise that the red is trying to shine through. Whatever's taken over Willow is having to fight to do it. She could have killed Dawn with magic, but something stopped her. Using her own hands to do it, though, seems to have reawakened her humanity, her … soul?

With strength which must be magically enhanced, she lifts Dawn over her shoulder, and with a glance at the door, heads for the basement.

This is my chance. Our chance. I know the tunnels better than any demon in Sunnydale, and a hell of a lot better than any human. I grab Buffy's arm, and run for the nearest man hole. There's no time for discussion, Dawn's fear which dissipated a bit when the spell didn't work, is growing again.

Once underground, I pause, getting the direction clear in my head before we start to run.

Ordinarily, there's no way a human could outrun Buffy and me. But, Willow's no ordinary human right now. All we can hope to do is follow.

I'm leading, trusting my sense of Dawn's direction better than Buffy does hers, but it's obvious that she's improving all the time. She nods beside me as I turn right at a junction, agreeing that I've made the right choice. 

It's times like these that I'd give a lot to be a vampire again. It's all very well, but only creatures that don't need oxygen can run at the limit of their ability without becoming breathless. And, apart from the short respite outside the Magic Box, that's what Buffy and I have been doing for half an hour now.

The tunnel we're in now is a long one, with no intersections for a couple of miles, so I'm giving some thought to where we are. Fortunately, I've got a good sense of direction, and it's not fooled by being underground. I think that last bit's a vampire thing. I realise we're heading south, away from the centre of Sunnydale, and the University. The more I think, I realise there's not actually much in that direction at all. It's just suburban streets that fade into woodland.

I'm wracking my brains to think of where we could be heading. The tunnel opens out in the woods, just south of the last homes. Once outside, I pull Buffy to a halt beside me, and we're both breathing heavily. We've got to be careful now. Following Dawn through tunnels is one thing. There's only a limited number of directions after all. Now we're in open ground, there's much more opportunity to be fooled. 

I point to my right, and Buffy nods her agreement. We set off again, slower now, needing to avoid tree roots which mar the narrow passageways between the trees.

This is part of Sunnydale that's new to me. I don't know it at all. Never had much time for woodland when I was a vamp. If I ever fancied being in touch with nature, I'd pick the ocean every time. 

I realise we must have made ground, because the feeling of Dawn is closer, and when I take a deep breath I can smell her too. I put an arm out to Buffy to slow her further, and I know she's noticed it too. We walk, and spot a small cottage ahead. Well, cottage is too grand a word. Shed? Bigger. There's a rainwater butt outside, and a picnic blanket airing under the eaves. It has an air of domesticity and innocence. I know Dawn's inside, and I leave Buffy in front of the door that's visible at the front while I circle round to see if there's another exit. We're in luck, there's only one door, and all but one of the windows are on that side too.

I'm just gesturing to Buffy to suggest we try the door, when there's a scream, and a roar from inside the house, followed by the unmistakable glow of flames from within.

I run forward, and yank the door open. I barely register anything about the interior beyond the line of fire that's separating me from Dawn. Somehow, whether by magical or mundane methods, Willow's set fire to a line right across the cabin. She's let Dawn go now, and she's looking strangely triumphant, and peaceful? Dawn's crying, sobbing, tears rolling down her cheeks. Buffy was beside me as I opened the door, but she's gone now, and I sense rather than see her at the single window beyond the flames. The smoke's thick already, and I'm having to work at not coughing.

Willow has turned around, ignoring me, her attention fully on Buffy. She's holding Dawn again, threatening that if Buffy comes through the window, she'll push Dawn into the flames. I sense Buffy's hopelessness, and I try desperately to think of something to do.

I run outside again, and pull the blanket down. I dip it in the water butt, soaking it, before wrapping it around me. Without giving it further thought, I jump through the wall of flame, landing and rolling on the other side to extinguish the flames that lick at the blanket. One of my hands was holding the blanket in place, and was outside of its protection, and I notice the burns on it with curious detachment. I don't even feel the pain.

Willow lets Dawn go, pushing her in the direction of the fire, but I dive to stop her momentum, and push her towards the window. With a howl of fury, Willow jumps at me, kicking and punching. There's no method to her fighting, it's like a child having a tantrum, lashing out without discipline, just trying to cause pain. Normally, I could hold Willow at arm's length easily, but not today. Whatever she's done to herself, she's a match for me in strength. Fortunately, she's not a match for me in fighting skills. She's never taken the time to learn, always relying on her magic to keep her safe.

I hear glass breaking, and wonder whether it's a side-effect of the fire, or if it's Buffy. I don't have time to look, as I duck to avoid being hit around the head. I knock Willow away, and use the second's respite to glance at Dawn, relieved to find her being helped through the window.

Willow grabs me again, but I don't think I need as much oxygen as she does, because the smoke's bothering me less that it is her. She's coughing hard, convulsively, and she's changing before my eyes. She's paling, her hair returning to its normal red, and it's obvious she's weakening. 

Willow's sobbing now too. One word, repeated over and over. Tara. I realise she's no longer trying to hurt me, just trying to get away, so I let her go, and she runs to the far side of the room, where she picks up something from a bed I hadn't noticed. She's hugging it, whatever it is, and then I realise what she's planning. She's walking directly towards the wall of flame that's now too close to me, it's heat painful, singeing my hair and eyebrows. 

She's already alight when I catch her, pulling her back, and rolling us in the discarded blanket to extinguish the flames. I carry her over to the window, handing her to a waiting Buffy before I manage to drag myself through. I collapse outside, unsure where my girls are, willing them to be safe, but knowing there's no more I can do.


	28. Chapter 28 Rescued

****

Chapter 28 - Rescued

I'm clinging onto Buffy, and we're watching the remains of the window where we got out of the inferno. I know Buffy's hurt, her arms and hands cut from the glass, but neither of us can take our eyes off the opening, both of us willing Spike to come out. I know she's torn, wants to go back and make sure he's ok, but she's also scared for me - that there's something else waiting in the wood for me. 

I've been so scared. Willow came in not long after Buffy and Spike left. At first, she seemed normal, well, sort of. She hasn't really been normal since she got back. Not that I've paid too much attention to her anyway. After what happened before, I've got to say, she's not been my favourite person.

I was sitting at the research table, trying to do my homework, and Giles was restocking the shelves while Anya counted the money. She waited until no one was watching, and the next thing I know, Giles and Anya can't move. It was like they'd been paralysed, except they could still stand, and their eyes could look around.

Then, I saw she'd changed. She was dark again, and I screamed. She smiled, that awful smile I remembered from the last time she wanted to kill me. And I knew that's what she wanted this time. Surprisingly, she didn't just do it. She started with telling me how much she hated me. She told me that before I came, Buffy was her best friend. That they used to do things together. That they were closer than sisters. Then there was me, and Buffy needed to keep me safe. She wasn't properly grateful for being brought back from the dead. She wouldn't admit Willow's power. Then when Tara died. Buffy didn't want her to take revenge, wanted to stop her. Buffy and Giles ganged up on her to stop her last time. Sent her out of the country like an exile, so she could learn to be a good little witch. She said she was waiting for them to get there before she killed me. She wanted Buffy to see me die.

The tirade went on forever. Or it seemed that way. My attention was pulled away from Willow to the door which flew open, and there was Spike. I was so relieved to see him, but he didn't come in. It took me a moment to realise that it wasn't that he stopped, he just couldn't come in. The look in his eyes when he realised there was nothing he could do was so sad, I felt my breath hitch, although that may have been pure terror.

Then, she grabbed me, and started to chant. I know she intended to kill me, but something happened. I don't know why, but the spell didn't work. She tried it again, and it still didn't work. Then, she put her hands round my neck and tried to choke me. Somehow, she couldn't do it. It wasn't lack of strength, I know that. Maybe it was just getting too close to things. It's one thing to kill someone with magic, another to do it with your bare hands. 

She shrieked then, and picked me up, running for the basement. I don't remember the journey through the tunnels, I really don't. Just a blur, and jolting as she somehow carried me. I mean, I'm taller than she is, it can't have been easy, and it certainly wasn't comfortable.

She literally dropped me when we got to the cabin. I must have knocked my head, because I was out of it for a while. When I came to, I saw things around me that I recognised. Tara's things. Clothes, a quilt, some other things I recognised from their room. Willow was chanting, and there was a line of sand across the single room, separating us from the door. I tried to stand, hoping to get away before she could stop me, but I was momentarily dizzy, and by the time I recovered, there was a wall of flame in front of me. The heat was tremendous, and Willow was grinning. Like she'd done something amazing. 

The door opened then, and I saw them. My rescuers, but I thought they were too late. Then we heard Buffy breaking the glass of the one window our side of the flames. Willow threatened to burn me if Buffy came through. The next thing I knew, Spike was jumping through the flames wrapped in a blanket. Willow pushed me towards the flames, but Spike stopped me, redirecting me towards the window. Then she lunged for Spike, and I moved closer to the window, eventually managing to get out. Looking back in the window it wasn't possible to see them any more, the smoke was so thick. 

Then the wait began. And it's still going on. I want to go back, help him, but I know there's nothing I can do. I'm scared he's not coming out, and I know Buffy's feeling the same. Her eyes haven't left the window either.

Then there's the noise, someone hitting the wall close to the opening, and Buffy scrambles to help. Spike hands Willow to Buffy. I don't know what's happened, but she's horribly burnt, and I can't take my eyes off her as Buffy carries her a safe distance from the cabin before putting her down on the ground. I look back to the cabin, and he's lying there, just outside, fallen where he dropped, and I see he's been burnt too. His hands, and arms are visible, and I start to cry again when I think of how much pain he must be in. Buffy runs towards him, picking him up and taking him away from the cabin.

I'm sitting beside him now. He's not moving, and I'm wondering if he's even alive. Thing about being a vampire, it's pretty obvious. They're either there or they're dust. Kinda hard to miss. Buffy's found her cell phone, and despite everything, it seems to be working. She dials a number, and there's relief in her voice when Giles answers. She tells him what happened, and gives some indication of where we are, but it sounds kind of vague. I shout over that it's where Willow was keeping Tara's things, and that must mean something, because, after a short delay, the call ends.

Buffy calls 911 then, asking for an ambulance, and giving directions she must have had from Giles. Then she collapses beside me, and tries to take Spike's hand. I gasp as I see Buffy's hands and arms properly. They're cut, hundreds of little cuts, many of them deep, which she must have had when she broke the glass. She changes her mind when she sees how badly burned his hand is, and she starts to murmur to him, telling his he's safe, that everything's going to be ok. I don't know who she's trying to reassure most.

Giles must have broken several speed limits, because he gets here before the ambulance, and he and Buffy carefully lift Spike into the back seat. He moans as they do that, and, although it's a pain-filled sound, I'm relieved to hear it. At least he's alive. Giles tells Buffy he's asked Xander to come and take us home, but we've got to stay for the ambulance. He adds that Anya knew from Xander roughly where this place was.

"No, I'm coming with Spike," I tell him.

"Dawn, you can't. We need you here. You're basically uninjured, aren't you?"

I nod. A few bruises are nothing compared with Spike.

"Then, Buffy might need you when the ambulance comes for Willow. We don't want her being forced into going to hospital, it's too dangerous."

I can see his point, and I nod, but it just fuels the anger I already feel for Willow.

He drives away, and within minutes, the ambulance arrives, quickly followed by Xander. Buffy keeps out of sight while the crew load Willow, and Xander promises to go straight to the hospital after he's taken me home.

We drive back to Revello Drive in silence. I'm filled with dread, scared that Spike might die before we can get back. I don't want him to die, and certainly not alone, and without saying goodbye. That's what Mom did, and, I couldn't bear it if it happened again.


	29. Chapter 29 Recovery

****

Chapter 29 - Recovery

I race upstairs to find Giles and Clem in my old room, Spike, conscious but otherwise as I remember him, lying on my old bed. Giles is slowly feeding him blood through a straw. I wonder why he's made no attempt to clean or dress his injuries. My expression must make my confusion obvious.

"Buffy, sit down. Dawn, will you see to your sister? She's going to need some first aid too. Clem was kind enough to bring some blood when I asked. I thought it best to fortify him with some first, before I start to clean him up, because, frankly, I'm not sure he'll be able to drink then. I'm amazed he's conscious now."

I nod, then wince as Dawn starts to pull at my arm.

"You'll have to come and get cleaned up," she tells me, pointing at my blouse meaningfully. She's trying to tell me that I'm going to have to get undressed, and that I won't want to do that here. The fact is that I don't care what else happens, I just don't want to leave Spike.

Giles spots my dilemma. "Go on, Buffy, I'm sure Spike will rest easier knowing you'll be more comfortable."

I look at Spike for his agreement, but he's staring at a spot on the ceiling, an unblinking stare that's eerily like the stare of a corpse.

I reluctantly follow Dawn to the bathroom, where she strips off my clothes, and checks me over. I've got loads of cuts to my hands and arms. I remember struggling to break that window, doing it with my hands, unprotected in my frantic attempt to rescue Dawn. I hardly notice what she's doing - even when she applies antiseptic liberally, I don't notice the stinging that normally elicits a vocal complaint. Once I'm bandaged, Dawn takes me back to Spike, then leaves to return a moment later with a mug of blood for me.

"No," I refuse. "Save it for Spike, he needs it more than I do."

"He's had enough for now. Clem managed a miracle looking at our fridge. There's enough blood to keep a vampire going for weeks. Drink it."

I wonder when my sister became such a bully, but I'm in no state to argue, so I drink it. The first sniff is doubtful. I know I've done this before, but I don't remember it too clearly. It doesn't smell too bad. Not as bad as I remember when Angel or Spike were drinking it as part of their standard liquid diet. I take a sip, and it's strangely tasty. I get the impression that the visual information is making this harder than it has to be, so I close my eyes, and drink it down. 

Giles is working on Spike now. His hands, arms and chest are badly burned. Apart from his hair being singed and the distinct lack of eyebrows, his face is pretty much unscathed. I remember Willow. She didn't fare so well. There's so much damage on his arms in particular that I don't see how it can ever heal. He doesn't make a sound. I realise he hasn't – not since I arrived.

The phone rings, and Dawn gets up to answer it. When she returns, she's tight-lipped with anger.

"That was Xander," she announced. "They're treating Willow, but they've asked him to contact her parents. They're not sure whether she's going to make it."

I hear the news, and it makes no impression. She was my best friend. But, she tried to kill Dawn, end the world, and went away to get better. She came back, and tried to kill Dawn again. We trusted her, and she did it all over. I don't think I want to see her again. By the looks of it, Dawn feels the same.

Giles' face changes when he hears the news. His already sombre expression changes to something else, something more desperate, but he doesn't speak.

At last, Giles finishes dressing the worst of Spike's injuries, and stands up. Dawn's immediately offering to get more blood, but Spike shakes his head once. It's a tiny movement, but its meaning's clear.

To my surprise, Giles pulls on his jacket and goes to leave.

"Where are you going?" I ask, confused.

"The hospital," he replies, as if its the most natural thing in the world.

"Why?" I'm genuinely bemused.

"Because I need to go. There are things I've got to do."

He doesn't elaborate, and by the set of his face, I know he won't say any more no matter how much I badger him.

"If you need me back here, just call," he promises, opening the door and heading downstairs.

And so begins my vigil. Clem leaves, and I tell Dawn to go to bed, and she eventually agrees. I sit in my old room, watching Spike on my old bed. He never once looks at me. He never once makes a sound. He doesn't respond when I offer him blood.

He falls asleep at last, and I do too, waking with a start when he moves even slightly. It's so different now. When Dawn was in the room, he watched her, following her around the room with his eyes. Now she's gone, he's back to staring at the ceiling. I want to hold him, tell him I love him, reassure myself that he's still there, but I daren't. I remember our conversation, was it only earlier this evening? I told him I love him, but he didn't believe me. Now, I don't know how he feels. Surely, if he still loves me, he could look at me? Has it all gone so easily? It can't be fear, can it? Fear that my comforting him would lead to something he's not ready for? I didn't doubt my feelings before, but seeing him now, when I don't know if he'll ever recover, it's scaring me beyond belief. I need him so much. And it's not just need because of Dawn, because of the things that are expected of me. I need him. The girl who happens to be the Slayer. I'd need him if I wasn't the Slayer. I'd need him is I was completely human.

Dawn's back a few hours later, offering blood and food, and he nods to the offer of blood. It hurts me. He can't even take me trying to look after him, but I'm not leaving. I've stood from this chair only to go and relieve myself since I sat here last night.

The phone rings again, and I pick it up. 

"Buffy?" Giles begins.

"Yeah," I reply.

"How is he?"

"Do you care?"

My question is met with silence. 

"I mean, you went running off to Willow."

"I did that because I had to. I had to see for myself how Willow was doing. If there's any chance she might recover, I need to inform the coven she went to. They'll have to remove her power now, there's no way to avoid that, unless .."

He doesn't finish the sentence. He doesn't have to. He means unless she dies.

"Spike's ... the same," I tell Giles. I know he's listening, so I can't say more.

"As is Willow," he says softly. 

I sit there through that long day, thinking about what happened the previous day. I'm still not sure what happened at the Magic Box. Why didn't Willow's magic kill Dawn? I wonder if Giles knows, but decide I'll ask him later. That cabin. It was filled with Tara's things, Dawn said. Almost like a shrine. I wonder how long Willow's been going there. Was it somewhere they shared when she was alive? I realise I haven't been close to Willow for a long time. There was a time we shared everything. Now, she's a stranger, and worse that a stranger.

I pull my mind back to the present, back to the man on the bed in front of me. He's still refusing to look at me, and its breaking my heart. I've made such a mess of my life. I've thrown away the greatest gift I've ever been given. The love of a man who loved me unconditionally. The way parents are supposed to; the way my father didn't. But, it was never the love of a parent. It was the love of a lover, of a partner for life. The love that's passion and contentment, heat and stability. It's the love I never thought I could have, the love I never expected.

As the day goes on, it becomes obvious that Spike's going to be ok. His injuries are noticeably better than last night, although it's going to take some time. That knowledge was tempered with the fact that he can't look at me. I've tried to talk to him several times. I've offered him blood, food, just looked for some acknowledgement of my presence, but all that's happened is that his body tenses, and he winces in pain. My presence is giving him pain. I feel like I've won the greatest prize in the world, and lost it the same day.


	30. Chapter 30 – Recovery Part 2

****

Chapter 30 – Recovery Part 2

After I blacked out outside the cabin, the next thing I knew, I was being carried. Every nerve in my body seemed to be on fire, every jolt a singular agony. I struggled to open my eyes, and found that when I did, it made no difference as I couldn't focus on anything. I think I passed out again, because the next time I opened my eyes, I saw Giles, blurred at first, but becoming clear. My eyes quickly scanned the room, searching for my girls, but all I found was Clem. 

"Buffy? Dawn?" I whispered. I tried to say it, but my throat was raw from inhaling the hot smoke, and that's how it came out.

"They're fine," Giles reassured me. "They're staying with Willow until the ambulance comes, then Xander's going to bring them here."

I felt the tension draining out of my body at that. 'They're fine.' Two words that mean the difference between Hell and ... something that isn't.

"Can you manage some blood?" Giles is asking gently. I nod, deciding not to attempt speech again until I have to.

"Clem got you some A Neg. He said it used to be your favourite. Although, I'm not sure that still applies." Giles sounds like he's trying to make polite conversation, and that's something he's never felt the need to do around me before.

He lifts a mug, complete with straw, towards my lips, and I drink it gratefully. Apart from the whole business of needing it to heal, the cool liquid on my scorched throat feels wonderful.

I manage to finish that mugful and I'm half way through my second when they arrive. I hear footsteps thundering up the stairs, and I wonder how it is that two girls whose every movement is normally so graceful can possibly sound like a herd of elephants. 

They come in, and I turn my eyes so I can see they're really ok. Dawn looks a little sooty, and she's still pale, but she looks fine. Buffy's not so good. She's cut, her hands and arms cut to ribbons, but she doesn't seem aware of it. 

Giles turns towards them and gives them instructions. "Buffy, sit down. Dawn, will you see to your sister? She's going to need some first aid too. Clem was kind enough to bring some blood when I asked. I thought it best to fortify Spike with some first, before I start to clean him up, because, frankly, I'm not sure he'll be able to drink then. I'm amazed he's conscious now."

Dawn drags Buffy out of the room then, and I relax. Now I know they're ok, the rest of it comes back. I almost did it again. I almost failed. She almost died because I didn't listen to what my own common sense told me. I knew we shouldn't have left her at the Magic Box, but I let myself be persuaded. I could kick myself, but I decide I'm in quite enough pain.

I finish the second mug of blood, and Giles starts to get me cleaned up. When I thought a few minutes ago that I was in enough pain, I was quite serious. Now, there's more than enough. He's being gentle, I know he is, but I can't help but wince as he cuts what remains of my clothes off the worst of the burns.

Buffy comes back in with Dawn at her heels. She sits on a chair, looking towards me. I notice all this with peripheral vision only. Because there's no way I want to look at her. I don't want to see the look on her face that says I let her down. Again. I redouble my efforts not to react to Giles' efforts to dress my burns. I watch Dawn some of the time. She's smiling nervously at me, like she's scared I'm not going to make it. Maybe I should tell her. I mean, that little bint who sent me back in the first place isn't going to let a few burns spoil her plans, now is she? So, I suppose I'm just going to have to lie here and suffer.

I eventually realise where I am. It's Buffy's room. I didn't recognise it at first, and I wonder why. It comes to me after a while. It's barer than it used to be. The photos and whatnots are gone. Curtains're different too. That's why I didn't recognise it. It's the place that launched a thousand fantasies, and I didn't even recognise it.

Giles finishes and heads off to see Willow. Buffy's not happy about it, and she's not shy about letting the Watcher know. He doesn't take her objections too seriously though. I suppose he's been dealing with her long enough to know how to do that.

She's just watching me. I'm staring at the ceiling, trying not to notice that she's here, and it's taking its toll. I want to touch her, hold her. I'm aching to put my arms around her, but that's past. I can feel pain radiating from her, and I know I'm responsible. I let her down again, and she must be hating me for it. Ha! She'd better form an orderly queue behind me, 'cos I'm hating myself too.

I almost thought I could do it. I thought, maybe, if I could keep Dawn safe, I'd start to deserve her. It would atone for everything I'd done. But, what did I do? I ignored the misgivings I had about Willow, and left Dawn. She'd be dead by now if Willow's magic had worked. I don't know why the magic didn't work, but if I find out who was responsible, well, let's say, I owe them. Big time.

I think I must have drifted off to sleep, and when I open my eyes again, she's still there. Dawn's gone. I assume to bed, but Buffy's sitting in her chair, dozing. My arm's cramping a bit through being still too long, and I flex it as well as my injuries allow. The movement causes her eyes to fly open, and I wish I'd kept still. While she's asleep, I can look at her. I can't meet her eyes.

She stays all day. I know she's waiting for me to apologise, to say something, anything. There are no words. No words to make up for what I've done. Dawn comes in often, sitting for a while, chatting to me but not expecting an answer beyond a slight nod or a shake of the head. She's my anchor right now, my reason to go on living.

She sat there all day, but as darkness fell, Dawn persuaded her to go to bed. She's exhausted, and despite the blood she's had, her cuts aren't healing as fast as they should. Could be something to do with the fact that she hasn't really slept. I relax when she goes. It's been so hard to be close to her, knowing that everything's finally ruined.

After she's gone, I just lie in the silence for a while. Of course, it isn't really silence. I hear Buffy moving around. My mind immediately tries to imagine what she's doing, undressing, getting ready for bed, but I stop that particular train of thoughts before it takes hold.

Dawn comes in and sits in the chair, and I wonder at her. She doesn't seem to hate me for letting her down. Still, it's the first time I've had the chance to apologise, so I do.

"What for?" she asks, sounding genuinely surprised.

"For leaving you, giving Willow the chance to take you," I state, feeling foolish for having to say the words.

"Is that what all this has been about?" Her voice is raised, and I'm hoping Buffy doesn't hear.

"All what?" I ask, purposely keeping my voice low as a hint.

"Not speaking to Buffy, not letting her do anything for you. Not even looking at her! Do you know how hurt she is?"

"I'm not trying to hurt her," I reply. "I just can't bear the thought of seeing in her eyes how much she hates me."

Suddenly, Dawn's looming over me, and her face is livid. 

"You know, I always wondered exactly why Buffy used to hit you so often. Now I know. If you weren't already hurt, I'd be pummelling your face right now!"

The picture causes a smile to hover on my lips, but it's immediately replaced by a grimace as healing burns pull painfully.

She takes the opportunity afforded by my silence to continue. "You think she hates you? How can you be so stupid? She LOVES you. Can't you see that? She's scared because you're hurt, and petrified that she's lost your love. For someone who's been around as long as you have, you're amazingly stupid."

I shake my head, and I'm embarrassed to notice that tears are leaking from my eyes. "Dawn, you don't understand. I told Buffy I'd protect you. The best way I could have done that was to save her from Glory. But I failed. Then she came back, and I tried to be what I knew I should be. I tried so hard, but the demon in me wouldn't allow it. I hurt her, you know what I tried to do, and then, rather than face her, I ran off to get myself a soul. Even failed at that, because I had to come back different. I left you and Buffy to face Willow the first time she went crazy. Buffy got shot and you nearly lost her. You did lose Tara. Then, at school, if I'd spotted those stupid partition walls sooner, you'd never have been attacked, and …."

"Now stop that!" She's not shouting, but her voice has a penetrating quality that makes me sure everyone in Sunnydale heard her. "I'm not listening to any more of this 'I failed' crap. **You haven't failed me.** You've saved me, more times than you know. Not just since you came back, but while Buffy was gone to. If it hadn't been for you, I'd have gone crazy, maybe done something really stupid. And, I know Buffy's got this blind spot where you're concerned, but she knows all this. She knows. And she loves you."

"That's what she said the night Willow …, but it's changed now."

She looks surprised at my words. "It hasn't changed, you idiot. And, if she said that, what was the problem? Why didn't it change things between you?" I take a few seconds to process what she's just said. The possibility that she still cares about me simply hadn't occurred to me. I go back to how I felt the night of the fire.

"I didn't ... I don't think it's real," I whisper. "She's scared. She's scared for you. She needs someone. Need and love aren't the same thing. And I can't be with her unless it's forever. I know it's more than I deserve, but I can't do it any other way."

"So that's it, is it? Because she can't promise forever, you think she doesn't love you? I've never heard anything so stupid. Did Dru promise you forever? 'Cos, I don't see her around now." She pantomimes looking round the room.

"No, Dru never promised anything, well nothing important. Dru never really loved me. She loved Angel, all I was, was a convenient surrogate. But, I can't be that with Buffy. If we're together, it has to be everything, and she deserves better than me. Sooner or later, she'll find someone better, and she'll be gone."

"So, you don't talk to her, don't look at her?"

"If I look at her and see that she hates me, I don't think I could take it. If I see anything but hate in her eyes, I'm going to beg her to hold me, and that'll be the beginning of something I won't be able to stop."

"Spike, have you told her how you feel?"

"Tried to, same night she told me. Don't know if she understood."

"And, do you think not looking at her is helping her to understand?"

I can't answer, but I know what I have to do. "I need to go home," I state.

"Home? You can't go home. You can hardly move."

"I can if I have to. I'll manage. I need to put some distance between us, give us both a chance to get our feelings sorted out. This room, it's too … "

She nods, understanding my thought even though it's unfinished.

"If I call Xander in the morning and get him to take you home, it's on one condition."

I look up expectantly.

"I'm coming round to check on you regularly. Ok?"

"No. You can't come round unless Buffy's with you. It's too dangerous. And, there's no point in me going if Buffy comes to me."

"Ok" she agrees, reluctantly. "Then I'll get Clem or Xander or Giles to check on you."

I wince at the possibility of having Giles or Xander playing nursemaid, but I agree with a reluctant nod.

It's much later. Dawn's gone to bed, and the house is as quiet as such a place ever is. I'm awake, and I wonder what disturbed me. It takes me a moment to work out what the noise is. I can hear soft sobs, and they're coming from across the hallway. I can't bear to hear them, knowing it's Buffy who's crying out her misery all alone.

I swing my legs off the bed, wincing as the injuries to my chest are stretched painfully. I stand up gingerly. I don't know how my legs escaped entirely, but they did. It's hard to walk, amazing how much you move your upper body, but I shuffle very inelegantly to the door, following my ears towards the sound.

She's in what was Joyce's room. I open the door slowly, the bandages on my hand making it impossible to do anything else. If she hears me, the only sign she gives is that the sobbing quiets. I approach the bed, realising from the contours of the impossibly small figure under the covers that she's curled in an almost foetal position.

"Buffy," I say softly. Her breathing is suddenly audible as a sharply indrawn breath, and she turns towards me.

She turns slowly, waiting for me to speak. The last time I was alone with her, upstairs in this house comes back to me. The bathroom. What I tried to do. I almost run, terrified that I'll lose control again, but with an effort and some deep breathing I manage to get my terror under control.

"I'm sorry, Love, so sorry," I tell her. I don't specify what I'm sorry for, because it would take forever.

"But, you don't love me now," she adds, her voice bitter.

I'm shaking my head. She really thinks I could stop loving her. "No, Pet. I'll always love you."

"Then why?" she asks, genuinely confused.

"Because I let you down again. I though you'd hate me because I let Willow take her."

She sits up then and flicks on the light by her bed.

"You didn't let me down. You've only done that once, and we agreed not to talk about that. You really still love me?" She sounds so vulnerable that I can't help it. I approach the bed, sit on it and take her hands in mine.

"Until the end of the earth," I promise, and I know it's a promise I'll never break.

"Stay?" she asks. Oh, the number of times I've dreamt of this moment. Of course, the dreams tended to require me to be able to actually do something about it. Right now, even sitting is agony, and the heat from her body is searing me. But, how can I refuse? I lie down carefully beside her, still dressed in some of Xander's cast off sweats, keeping out of the constriction of bed covers. I can't put my arm around her, but I carefully rest one bandaged hand on her hip.

"I'll stay until morning," I promise. "Then, I'm going home."

She stiffens at the news. "Why?"

"Because we both need some time to sort out how we feel. I know I love you, and you tell me you love me. I think we both need some time to see how we can live with those feelings, before we take this any further. It's too important to get wrong."

She nods, not speaking, but she relaxes a little. It's not long before she's breathing deeply and evenly, and I know she's asleep. 

Despite my words, I know it's already too late. Whether I want to or not, I belong to her, and I know that sooner or later, she'll break my heart, and I'm scared of what I could be capable of when that happens.


	31. Chapter 31 – The Sphere

****

Chapter 31 – The Sphere

I sit in the control room and watch the people below me, scurrying around to prepare for the day's tests. No sign of Sam yet, but that's ok. I moved back into our quarters last night. I stifle a yawn as I remember just how little sleep we got last night. I don't think she's completely forgiven me yet, but she's going to try, so I can't hope for better.

The beginning of her thaw was the fact that I stayed away from Buffy after the fire. We knew about it, because it's official policy to keep tabs on the Slayer. When the news came through, Sam expected me to run off to find out what happened. I wanted to, I mean, even forgetting Buffy, these people were my friends. I liked Willow in particular, and hearing that she was injured so badly, I really wanted to go and see her, speak to Xander. And, I admit it, I wanted to see Buffy, see how she was bearing up.

But I was smart enough to know that this was like the first hurdle. I had to stay away if Sam was going to believe my intentions to rebuild our marriage. I was tempted to go but cover my tracks, but, in the end, I decided to stay honest. And, last night, two weeks after the fire, I got my reward. We're not out of the woods yet, I know that, but, I moved back in, and we're going to be doing our best to put things back together the way they were before, or maybe even better.

The sphere is still a mystery. Well, everything we've found on this dig is a mystery. But, it's difficult to get excited about something that just soaks up everything you throw at it. I mean, it'll be incredibly useful if we can find a way to make it, or even shape it. Imagine a defensive material that soaks up everything you throw at it. All you'd need is some sort of cooling system and you'd have an impenetrable shield. But, it's boring.

The sphere's different. Apart from anything else, it's beautiful. It's a savage beauty - a bit like a storm-lashed sea, but there's no denying its appeal. It's easy to fall under its spell - just watch the movement inside, losing track of time as you do so. 

Nothing we've tried on it has done anything. We've tried abrasives, corrosive fluids, gases, and nothing has made any impression. Today's test is a last ditch attempt to find something. If this doesn't work, I just don't know what else to try.

We've got a high power pulsed laser set up in the lab. We're going to try hitting it with enough power to vaporise most substances, using a tightly focussed beam. The wavelength is so short, that we don't think anything will actually be able to escape from the sphere, even if we do manage to punch through.

Sam arrives, and she looks up at me. She's smiling, looking really happy again. Well, I did do my best last night. I grin back, and I feel like I did when we first fell in love. I just hope the tests today give us something to work on, so we can get back to our lives again. I hope I never see Buffy Summers again, never have any reason to come back to Sunnydale.

I can see that things are ready down below, so I speak to the assembled team.

"Everything set?" I ask.

"Yes, Sir," one of the technicians replies. Unusually, we've got four technicians and Sam working in there today. They're not really needed, but they could do with a morale booster. If this works, it'll make up for the hours of grinding routine tests they've done in the past couple of weeks. They deserve a break.

"Go ahead," I tell them.

Sam starts to give orders, and I settle down in front of a bank of displays. Some show me the sphere itself, some the lab, and others give me live feedback on various measurements being made on the sphere. Output characteristics, temperature and so on.

The laser is switched on. Minimum power to start. There's no effect, so Sam gives the order to step up. We're keeping the increments small, because we don't want to destroy this thing, just get it to give up some of its secrets.

An hour later, and there's still been no reaction. On the last test, there was the first suggestion of a temperature increase at the pulse site. The difference was within measurement error, though, so we're going with a step up. I know we're nearing the upper limit of the design spec. of the laser, and I'm resigning myself to another failure.

At last, there's a definite sign that the sphere is heating locally at the site of the laser bombardment. It's tiny, but it's there. We step up again, hoping for a clearer signal yet. Again, it's so tiny, it's almost insignificant. Any other material would be instantly vaporised by the treatment we're giving this sphere, and all we're getting is almost negligible temperature increase.

Two more steps, and we've reached the maximum output specified for this laser. When the results are complete, Sam calls a halt.

"Sam, try another couple of steps, we could be close to something here," I suggest over the communication system.

"Riley, the laser's not specified at higher power. It might become unstable."

"Nah, it'll be fine. Just another couple of steps."

"No, Riley, I think we've done enough. There's a team in Minnesota, and they've just produced a laser that gives twice the power of this one. We could get hold of that and try again."

"And how long will that take?" I ask. "Weeks. I want this finished today. We're going to try another couple of steps."

She flashes me a look of irritation, then shrugs. She understands I'm just trying to get us out of Sunnydale as soon as possible. I hit the override switch, and the laser steps up again. 

Two more steps, and there's still no change. Sam goes to power down the laser again, but I override. Just another one.

I'm looking at the temperature read-out, willing it to show something significant, when I hear excitement below. There's a flashing light on the power supply for the laser, and I hear the words "It's unstable, initiate emergency shut down." I move to kill the power to the laser from the control console in front of me, and as I do, I glance at the monitor showing the sphere. The crazing on the inner surface of the sphere is growing, visibly travelling over the surface, and it's turning opaque by the second. I watch, mesmerised, as it becomes obvious that the outer surface is starting to crack too. Those in the lab haven't noticed the sphere, they're all looking at the laser. 

The cracks are moving from the bombardment site, and travelling in random directions around the sphere, and then it happens. The sphere has been breached. The pinkish energy we've seen inside the ball is leaking out, tendrils of it swirling around the lab. 

I hear the first scream, just as the containment alarm goes off. The barriers come down around the room, titanium shutters sliding down the glass separating me from the lab. I catch a last glimpse of Sam's face before the shutters close. She looks terrified.

I continue to watch on the monitors. The scream came from one of the technicians. She's young, maybe twenty-one, and pretty too. Or she was. Where the pink tendrils are touching her, her clothes seem to be dissolving, but what's worse, is that the flesh underneath is doing the same. I'm watching in stupefied horror when another scream joins hers, a male voice this time, and I see another technician being touched by the colour and meeting the same fate.

I know it's hopeless, but I can't help myself. One glance at the monitor in front of me and I see Sam's terrified face. I run out of the control room, and down to the door of the lab. I'm running against the flow of others, the containment alarm being a general evacuation command. I know I can't get in, but I hit and kick the door a few times, making absolutely no impression. I fall to my knees, ineffectually punching the shutter.

A degree of rationality returns then, and I run back to the control room. There must be a way of reversing the lock down. And, if there is, it must be accessible from there.

The screaming's worse when I get back. Sam's still unaffected, but she's crouching in a corner, and it's getting closer. I start to interrogate the computer, searching for anything that'll let me get that door open. One part of my brain's saying I shouldn't even attempt it, because we've got to keep this thing contained. Another's saying that this is my wife, and I've got to do something.

I'm scanning the possibilities, using every password I know, and I'm getting nowhere. Another scream draws my attention back to the monitor. It's started on Sam. She's crouching in a corner close to the door, and from what I can see, it's getting through the door. Not destroying it, just seeping through.

The noise is more than I can stand, so I mute the speakers, but I can't tear my eyes away from Sam, as her flesh slowly melts away from her bones, her mouth open in a now soundless scream. I'm crying, I can feel the tears running down my cheeks, my breath hitching, sounding impossibly loud despite the alarm which is still shrilling all around me.

I know she must be dead. There's nothing left of her. I'm waiting for it to come to me. If it can get through titanium, there's nothing to stop it getting me here. I feel it at last, a stabbing pain in my back. I don't even turn to see the shape of my doom, just wait for the end with a total lack of resistance. 

As quickly as the pain hit me, it left. I don't know why. One look at the control room shows no sign of the pink stuff, and I get up and walk outside.

I head for the exit of the complex, away from the lab, and once outside, I spot it. It's leaking out of the unit a hundred yards from me, and it looks like it's got a destination in mind. It's not dissipating, spreading through space in a random manner. It's stretched into a long, thin, ribbon, heading in a straight line towards the centre of the town.

I start to follow, taking it slowly, not wanting to get in its way. It's moving through the familiar streets of Sunnydale, avoiding people, skirting buildings and cars. But, this is Sunnydale. The locals might not admit they've got a problem, but avoiding the unknown's always a good idea. People are running from it, panicking, one sole figure following it. Me.

Past the UC Sunnydale campus, along a road filled with cars. I wonder why it's avoiding people now, after what it did to those in the lab. It's as if it has a purpose now that it didn't know about then. I'm thinking about this thing as if it's intelligent, because that's how it seems to me. I wish I understood why it didn't it avoid the people in the lab. Why didn't it keep out of Sam's way?

I'm not hurrying; it's not trying to get away. It moves into the centre of town, single-mindedly keeping up its progress. It makes no sense at all, but my thoughts aren't coherent anyway. Throughout my walk, I see the face of Sam, my wife, the woman I love, dissolve under its influence, and I know that I'm responsible. For her death, and the others in the lab. There may be more to come, but my motives have more to do with revenge than prevention. 

I've killed before. In the line of duty – mainly demon, but an occasional human who was harbouring demons too. But this, this is something else. I've killed people. Good people. People who were fighting evil like I've always tried to do. Sam ....

I suddenly realise where I am. I hadn't been paying any attention to anything other than the trail I'm following. After avoiding other buildings completely, it's heading straight for the Magic Box.


	32. Chapter 32 – In the Magic Box

****

Chapter 32 – In the Magic Box

The past two weeks have been difficult. Spike did what he promised, he moved back home the morning after he spent the night in my bed. But it changed everything.

We've spent the time since then slowly trying to build trust between us. I've felt more than once that I'm walking on eggshells. He's so fragile, somehow, I'm doing my best not to break down the slowly growing confidence that I see. He's relaxing gradually. Every now and then I see a flicker of the Spike I fell in love with. A snarky comment, or an argument just for the sake of it. Not about anything important, of course, just keeping his hand in.

This past week, he's even trusted himself to touch me. Nothing too difficult at first, just stroking my hair out of my face, or putting an arm around my shoulders. Simple things that meant so much. I can hardly believe how convinced he was that such simple things could lead to him losing control. Then, three days ago, he moved from a chaste kiss on the cheek, much like he gives Dawn, to kissing me properly. The first one was short, but I persuaded him to take it further. Last night, he went home late, after spending long enough kissing me that I **really** didn't want him to go.

I want him to stay with me tonight. And I'm not talking lying the other side of the covers from me. He's healing very well. There are scars on his arms, and he winced when I touched his chest last night, but I'm not sure that was caused by pain. My cuts are completely healed. Slayer healing is pretty amazing, but what I've got now is phenomenal. So, there're no physical impediments. I love him, and I know he loves me. And I just feel I can't bear not to have him with me at night. I mean, I want him, that goes without saying. Even when I denied feeling anything but revulsion for him, I wanted him. It's different now. I feel like time spent away from him is wasted in some way.

If I had my way, he'd move in today. But, realistically, that's not going to happen. I'm going to do my best to persuade him to stay over tonight. After that, we'll take it one step at a time.

He's talking to Dawn, joking with her. It seems so natural. Soon, I hope we'll be as natural as that. Until then, I love watching the two of them together. It makes my heart swell to know that the two people I love best are so close.

Giles is discussing the day's business with Anya. He asked us to come here to tell us some of his findings. Dawn went to the doctor for a blood test this morning, finally providing the data he needs to complete the report Giles requested. Not that all the results are available yet, not by a long way. 

Xander comes in, standing beside me, but his eyes are on Anya. I know they're working on getting back together again. He's so impatient, but he's doing his best to let her have her revenge in at least doing it slowly. It's good to see him looking hopeful again. He's had so much sadness in his life. Even now, Willow's still hovering somewhere between life and death, and he still loves her. He's the one who's been there for her at every turn. He never doubted her when she came back, and even now, he believes there was more to what happened that we know.

Giles finishes, and gestures towards the research table, bringing a sheaf of notes with him.

"So, Watcher, what've you got?" Spike asks as soon as we're all assembled around the table. It's good to hear the 'Watcher' epithet again. It's a sign of his growing confidence that he'll use it. 

Giles gives him a look that speaks volumes, and I smile. 

"I've got the preliminary results of the tests here," he says, "and I've added my own observations. As you know, I did the standard Slayer evaluation tests specified by the Council of Watchers. There is a great deal of data on, not only Buffy's previous results, but on many other Slayers throughout the years. Buffy was always in the top ten percent of Slayers historically in these tests. Since the change, she's fifty percent stronger. She's about thirty percent faster. Her general fitness is significantly greater, but that's more difficult to put a figure on."

He shuffles through his notes before continuing. "The medical tests agree with my findings. You and Spike have metabolic rates which are off the scale in terms of humans. Your need for oxygen is minimal compared to the extrapolated values we would expect for humans. You have chemicals in your blood unlike any found in a living creature before. We may never discover their purpose. Other chemicals, specifically, some enzymes, are known. From tests carried out by the Council of Watchers over the years, we know that certain enzymes peculiar to vampires are responsible for their being able to ingest blood and derive nourishment from it. They are particularly unusual, as enzymes in mammals are normally effective only over a very narrow range of temperatures. This enzyme is effective over a range encompassing some thirty degrees Fahrenheit."

"The physical tests on Dawn show her to be within the expected range for her age. Everything checks out as would be expected. The initial tests from the blood sample she gave today look normal too, but we may have to wait another two weeks before the results are all in."

Dawn's normal, and Spike and I are freaks. I guess we already knew that. Funny. I once called him and me a freak show. It was truer than I knew. I smile at my own thoughts. Once those words would have been bitter. Now, it's different, the similarities between us binding us together, keeping us apart from the others around us. But, I don't feel any resentment on that score. Everything about what we are now just feels right.

There's a strange crackling sound in the air, and it drags me back from my own thoughts. I look towards the front wall of the shop, and I see something snaking towards us. Spike and I instinctively stand, putting ourselves between it and Dawn while Xander, Giles and Anya look on.

The tendrils of pink ignore our efforts to keep her safe. They're homing in on her, and she's shrinking away from them. We push her back, towards the training room, but as we move away, the speed of our strange pursuer increases, easily matching and overtaking us.

As the outermost finger of pink touches Dawn, there's a sound, a 'ping' like you get if you flick your finger against a crystal wine glass. Then Dawn starts to glow. She's glowing green, and the pink is invading her.

Instantly, her terror turns to ... peace. I can't understand it. My arm is on hers, but the pink ignores me completely, keeping its distance from me, and from Spike who's at Dawn's other side.

The expression on her face is ... beatific. There's a rapture on her face that I've never seen before, even in her happiest moments. And there's something else. She's at peace.

I find my voice at last. "Dawn, what's happening? Is it hurting you?"

"No," she answers, and her voice is filled with wonder. "It's ... good. I can't explain it. No, maybe I can. Remember when you came back? When you described the place you called heaven? That's what it feels like. I feel ... safe. Secure. Warm. Happy. This is how it's meant to be."

"How what's meant to be?" I ask, but the break in my voice shows I've already got my own idea.

"This is it, it's when I leave you," she answers. I try to speak, and at the same instant, Spike's voice croaks a single word. "No."

She turns to him, and puts her hand on his face. "You haven't failed," she tells him, knowing instinctively how he feels. "This is why I exist in this time."

She turns to me. "Do something for me?" she asks.

"Anything," I reply, and I mean it. I'll kill, torture, scream, bargain with Satan, anything, just to stop this.

"Hold me," she asks. "It won't hurt you," she adds as if it would matter.

"You too," she adds to Spike.

I stand on her right, and Spike is on her left. We both put our arms around her, and they end up partially around each other. She nods her head approvingly at us. "That's it. You need to be together. You need each other."

Everything in the room shrinks to the three of us. There is no one else. There is nowhere else. My world is contained in my arms.

*-*-*

I can hardly believe the tableau I'm watching. Watching. That's what Watchers do, after all. No bloody use for anything else. It's the saddest and most uplifting thing I've ever seen. I hardly notice Xander and Anya moving closer to each other, needing human contact. What we're seeing is something terrible and wonderful, holy and awful all at the same time.

All I can see is Spike and Buffy, holding each other, but with a green glow between them. The green is fading gradually, as a pink colour flows into it. There's no violence about the reaction, rather the reverse. There's a peace about it that's hard to describe. It's like imagining two enormously heavy freight trains colliding without sound, without anything to show for it except a bed of flowers.

I can hear Dawn's voice coming from the green. It's recognisably Dawn's voice, but it's Dawn as she will be some day. When she's impossibly old and wise. Wiser than I'll ever be. She's consoling the two who love her most. Telling them to live for one another, for the love they share. I hear Buffy try to disagree, but somehow, Dawn forces them both to accept the love they feel for one another. She's telling them not to be afraid, not to mourn her. That they are meant to be together.

The green is fading, becoming paler, and Dawn's voice is becoming fainter too. At last, there's a giggle. A laugh of pure joy that's so Dawn, that I can't help but smile. It's followed by words that I know will haunt me.

"I'm going now," she tells them. "I'm not sorry, really I'm not. It's as it should be. And, it won't be for long, I promise. I see it now. Really, you'd laugh too if you knew, but they won't let me tell you. Goodbye. I love you Spike. I love you Buffy. Listen to your hearts, both of you. Remember your love for each other. That's how this will be right. It's the only way."

The last words were so quiet as to be almost inaudible. The only reason they were heard is the total silence in the room.

It's gone, the green and the pink have gone. And, for the first time I notice a figure in the doorway. Riley Finn is propping himself up on the doorframe, weeping openly. I ignore him. Xander and Anya are crying, holding one another, and I'm seeing the room through a film of tears. My eyes return to where she was. Buffy and Spike are holding one another still, as she wanted, but both have fallen to their knees. Both are sobbing, unable to contain their misery.

"What just happened?" Riley's asking.

I take off my glasses, wiping my eyes with my handkerchief before cleaning them.

"I'm not sure I know," I reply. "Except that Dawn's gone. Gone to where she belongs, although I couldn't begin to guess where that might be."

"That ... pink. Why didn't it destroy them?"

He's pointing an accusing finger at the two grieving creatures on the floor.

"I don't know," I answer. "Should it have?"

"It killed everyone else it touched," he tells me, his voice shaky.

"What do you know about it?" I ask, immediately suspicious.

"The lab. We found a sphere. Buried for thousands of years. We were doing some tests, but something happened. I made it happen. I told her it would be ok, and I wouldn't let her stop, and then that pink was everywhere, and she's dead, and the screams, those awful screams. She's dead, and it's my fault."

"Who's dead?" I ask.

"Sam, my wife. I killed her. I killed her, and all the others."

With a sudden clarity, I understand. The sphere wasn't ready to dissolve, something this man did caused it to fail before its time. He's responsible for the fact that Dawn's gone. I move towards him, belatedly noticing that Xander has had the same idea. I get there first, hitting him hard, getting satisfaction from the fact that he falls to the ground looking stunned. As he tries to get up, Xander hits him, and he's sprawled on the ground again. He's sobbing brokenly, and I know it's nothing to do with physical pain. He looks so pathetic that I find my rage at him dissipating.

The two demons on the floor don't even seem to have noticed his presence. One glance at them shows them as they were.

"You did this," I manage to say coldly.

"You're responsible for that." I point to Buffy, knowing that such a display of raw emotion must be recognised.

"I don't understand," he mutters through tears.

"You destroyed the Orb. The Key was the antidote to its power. Sooner or later it would have happened, but maybe not for several years. We might have come up with a way that Dawn could have survived it, but, your meddling meant that we didn't get the chance. Dawn is gone, and you are responsible."

Anya has come up behind Xander, and she's holding on to him, preventing him from venting his anger further. I glance again at Buffy, relieved that the events in the room seem to have gone unnoticed by her and Spike.

"If you value your life, get out," I tell Riley. The last thing either Buffy or Spike need now is Riley's death on their conscience. I almost consider killing him myself, as I know my conscience won't have a problem with it, but I decide against it. Letting him live is simply the more cruel option. He's lost his wife, he's destroyed an innocent child, and he's going to have to live with that.

Riley tries to stand, but he's sobbing so hard, he only manages to get to his knees. I wasn't able to help Dawn in the end. I could do nothing except ruin the last days of her life by telling her that her life would be short. But, there's something I can do now. It's not much, but it's something.

I walk over to Riley, and to my surprise, Xander and Anya come with me. Between the three of us, we lift him to his feet, and pull him back towards the door. With an effort, we throw him outside. He's weeping, sobbing that he's sorry, but that's the last thing we need right now.

When the debris is removed, we move towards the two who hurt most. The five of us draw together, as the crying slows, and the first tears begin to dry. We cling together, remembering her words, trying to feel joy at her joy. But it's hard. It's so hard not to remember that she's gone, and to know that every day without her will be empty.

__

Ok, I did it. I finished the story before Christmas. As you may have realised, there's a lot still to be resolved. 

Just to remind you:

****

One for Sorrow,

Two for Joy,

Three for a Girl,

And Four for a Boy,

Five for Silver,

Six for Gold,

Seven for a secret, never to be told.

So, is there going to be a sequel? What do you think?

I won't be posting anything else until after Christmas. Life is just going to be too hectic over the next week and a half. When I do start posting again, I'm determined to get my other WIP 'A Unique Specimen' underway again. It's played second fiddle to this one for a while now, and I need to put that right.

To all of you who've sent feedback on this story - Thanks. I really appreciate all the comments. And if you haven't …. Now would be a good time! I write stories because I enjoy it, but feedback keeps me going when the ideas seem to dry up - at least that's how it seems.


End file.
